Beyond Secrecy, Privacy and Insecurity

I previously wrote a post called “Secrets, Confidences & Privacy,” in March or 2006, promising to write more. You can click this link:

Secrets, Confidences and Privacy

That blog gives some of the development of my thinking on the matter.

I notice that it was written a year before April of 2007. When I share this blog with people, I give a disclaimer that I no longer believe much of what I was writing prior to April 2007, but I leave it up as historical development and to connect with people who might connect better there. But what I would write now on the same subjects is significantly different. I re-read what I wrote, and while I would alter my allusions to spirituality and inner guidance to be more factual, and include conversation on “whose business am I in?” I would generally stand by most of what is written there.

My theme was the question of whether the expanding & contracting universe is a safe place or not. Let me review and then continue.

I will use words & phrases like “generally,” “usually,” “often,” and “most of the time,” for the benefit of those who are not seeing things the way I do.

Secrets generally hide something that we believe would hurt another or ourselves. Usually, we hold things secret out of shame or guilt, or fear of the judgment of others. We keep secrets usually to deceive or hide.

The Online Merriam Webster gives the origin of the word, “secret,” from the Middle English, from Anglo-French secré, secret, from Latinsecretus, from past participle of secernere to separate, distinguish, from se- apart + cernere to sift.”

It might be informative to check the synonyms and antonyms listed there:

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/secret

“Synonyms: backstairs, behind-the-scenes, clandestine, covert, furtive, hole-and-corner, hugger-mugger, hush-hush, private, privy, sneak, sneaking, sneaky, stealth, stealthy, surreptitious, undercover, underground, underhand, underhanded

Antonyms: open, overt, public”

Confidences, on the other hand, are generally held in areas where we may feel we are vulnerable, sensitive, “wounded” or learning. A confidence may be more temporarily held, and more likely to be shared when we learn … confidence! Internal confidence in ourselves, our views, our choices, preferences & lifestyle. We keep confidences to protect.  A confidence is held out of respect or for healing. Once we feel safe, we may share these more freely.

The Merriam Webster Online Dictionary definition of confidence that applies is “reliance on another’s discretion.”  “Discretion,” it says, comes from the “Middle English, from Anglo-French discret, from Medieval Latin discretus, from Latin, past participle of discernere to separate, distinguish between.”

Privacy, as I wrote before,  is often not explicitly spoken of, and thus, is harder to pinpoint, define or follow. It is quite a slippery subject, particularly from culture to culture and from era to era.

The Online Merriam-Webster, gives the origin from  “Middle English privat, from Anglo-French, from Latinprivatus, from past participle of privare to deprive, release, from privus private, individual; probably akin to Latin profor, in front of.”

The bold in the definitions is mine. I highlighted separate, deprive and individual.

Secrets, confidences and privacy separate one person or a group of people from others, deprive others of information or knowledge and are a feature of individuation, a word which contains the same root as “divide,” which also means “to separate.”

While I was Googling for other information on these topics, I found the following article by Thomas Nagel, “Concealment and Exposure” at:

http://www.nyu.edu/gsas/dept/philo/faculty/nagel/papers/exposure.html .

Nagel writes more about the social and political effects of constraint versus personal confrontation on matters that are generally private, and Nagel believes in a kind of privacy that protects people who hold unpopular views as a means to smooth wrinkles from the social fabric for the purposes of a “smoothly fitting public surface.”  Nagel writes that “it protects one from the sense of exposure without having to be in any way dishonest or deceptive, just as clothing does not conceal the fact that one is naked underneath.”

Such privacy seems to be a requirement in a society that is largely expressing itself in any of the following World Views:  Survival, Safety and Security, Outer Success and Relationship Lessons. From these perspectives, there is very much “two,” duality, not one. While truth is more than mere non-duality, this will do for now as a distinction for the purposes of this conversation. Everything seems to come from “outside” – until it doesn’t, about the time we become more inner directed, less blaming, less focused on others to meet our imagined “needs” and “wants.”

Unless society as a whole, is largely more secure and inner-directed, trusting and safe, it seems reasonable (is it?) and natural (oh?) to hold secrets, confidences and privacy. Anything outside of ourselves seems threatening, or at least holds that potential, and society adopts “norms” that “protect.”

It seems more reasonable to me, to question these assumptions, to find out if our attachment to “privacy,” is really only a way to divide and separate us from ourselves and others.

Does the desire for privacy actually spring from insecurity in a world that is truly safe in a bigger picture sense?  (Yes, bodies may die, be in pain, be injured – does that actually equate to a lack of safety?)

If you’ve been reading this blog much at all, you know what to do, and you have choices:

Write out a Worksheet. Ask the questions. Do the turn arounds.

Re-Pair Opposites

Release and Receive

Email me or Comment if you need help.

Love, Ann

“One and one don’t make two. One and one make one.”

~ Pete Townshend, The Who

On Being a Good Amoeba

Really.

The more I read on consciousness, decision-making, our thoughts about money, food, and happiness, our thoughts about thoughts, etc., the more I tend to see how we are still just amoebas.

How so?

We move toward pleasure and away from pain.

That’s pretty much all we do.

Oh, no. There is at least one more.

If we acclimate to the pain, get used to it, then we just stay in it, kind of oblivious.  Or maybe not. This, and a confusion about long term & short term can confuse us in the area of addictions, as well.

However, with Pain and Pleasure as opposite sides of a pendulum swing, anyone who has tried Re-Pairing the Universe, an IAM Meditation (see links on the right to that and Shampoo Methods)  I really like it when I find the Fulcrum, the StillPoint that is beyond the pendulum swing. It is the most blissful place. So clear. So glorious.  (Hi Gloria!)

I’d love to find a mate who can meet me there in that bliss.

So far, everyone seems to boomerang, unable to hold the Still Point with me.

That’s fine. I’m a good amoeba.

There are often other incompatibilibities, things that might make living together and planning a life together stressful rather than peaceful. Take Paul, for instance. He’s been doing a lot of The Work of Byron Katie, so much so that talking with him for hours the last few weeks, I was getting *very* turned on. He was, too, apparently. So we decided to spend Labor Day Weekend together.

The first night and day were pretty damned grand. Paul is delightful company and he’s fabulous in bed (but he doesn’t seem to know it.)

Then, somewhere, he lost his center. I lost my center.

I invited him back in, but he was busy boomeranging.  Well, that’s understandable. I’ve been doing this Re-Pairing, Investigating my Thoughts stuff for 7 years. He just got started. And before that, I was already meditating and learning about rising above these petty disturbances. I have a degree in it and thousands of hours of seminars, clients and practice.

Now, that doesn’t mean I always succeed. I certainly don’t.  Or, I do, depending on your definition of Success. We Re-Paired Success & Failure on Steven’s IAM call this afternoon.

(http://www.advancedmeditation.com/cmd.php?af=570391)

Paul and I went out to one of those famous Arkansas hot springs and relaxed naked in the pool. At one point, Paul said, “Can I tell you something and have you keep it a secret?”  Or words to that effect. I think he wanted to talk about what was triggering him.

He didn’t tell me why or what, but wanted a guarantee on that in advance.  Well, I just didn’t feel moved to guarantee that. Anyone who wants to be with me needs to be aware that I write, I blog, I talk to my friends. If they don’t want me to know something, mostly, they just shouldn’t tell me. If that is going to prevent honest, clear communication in the relationship, well, that’s something we need to know.

It’s stressful to always be monitoring what I can and can’t say. I’m an amoeba. I move away from that.

Yeah, there is a significant chance that with a little explanation, I might have agreed.

On the other hand, if he was only doing some manipulative image management, trying to keep people from knowing things about him that, really, are far more obvious than he thinks they are (like a Higher Alignment-trained person can read much of this from his eyes, and any counselor-trained person from that and a little bit more -and I am both) . . . in any case, if he was trying to hide his flaws or pretend to be someone he’s not, well, he’s got the wrong girl anyway.

At that point, I decided that for my own peace of mind, I would only answer insecure questions once. 

“Is that okay with you?” “Yes.” 

“Are you sure?”  No answer.

I kept quiet on the second repetitions. Time to put that behavior on extinction. It’s just stressful. Nothing peaceful about it.  It either means that this is a person who lies about his preferences to others, and therefore, cannot believe what others say they prefer or someone who is very insecure and needs constant reassurance. Or both.

It was amoeba time.

I was sad to see him going that manner, but detached, as well. I don’t need a man who can’t hold his own space. I want a man who can lead. He has some of those qualities, but not in my areas of expertise – peace & stress, worldview, personality, thinking, truth & lies.

I’ve tried to imagine Paul without the drama, without the overeactions and fears. Would he be suitable?

In some ways, absolutely!  That’s how we got to having such a delightful weekend together in the first place. Our amoeba selves wanted more. We wanted to touch, and taste and talk.

In other ways, well, I tend to be an optimist. I can do with a lot of things that I didn’t think I could ever deal with. (Laura had a dog!) I can do without things I thought I really needed. (I find most of that in myself.) Maybe he lives in the 40’s and I live in the 60’s, but hey, so did Forest & Jenny. But maybe I’m just acclimated to men who don’t mesh we me, my lifestyle and my values? 

Sharing, the kind where I am truly comfortable and blissed out with my partner, will be the result of Spontaneous Right Action – not wanting or needing, which are both lies – and certainly not from maniuplating or forcing.

“You’ve been a great crowd. I’m here all week,” Paul says. 

Well, Beloved, so am I.  So am I. 

Love, Ann

“You move totally away from reality when you believe there is a legitimate reason to suffer.”
 
                   Byron Katie
                   “Loving What Is” page 288

“To empathize does not mean to join in suffering, for that is what you must refuseto understand.” 
 
                   A Course in Miracles
                   Text, Chapter 16, 1st sentence
                   Page 330

(http://www.advancedmeditation.com/cmd.php?af=570391)

Truth/Lie, Pain/Pleasure, Works/Fails

I read something in Steven’s blog (http://www.sashen.com/blog) where he said there was only one thing he was interested in. I wondered what that was, so I asked. He says he is interested in how systems work. I asked if that includes things like his body and he said that was one of his favorite systems to learn about. He’s taken up sprinting and has a couple of meets coming up. It seems like he’s trying to see what he can do with that body-system-thingy.

Hmm. “How systems work” didn’t sound like anything I was interested in, but I tend to be interested in things he writes and says, so what is the overlap?

I’m sure that “how systems work” includes how minds work. Just look at the reading list at http://www.quantumwealth.com/resources.

Of course, I was wondering because I’ve always said there was only one thing I was interested in. But it has changed. Well, what I’m interested in didn’t really change, but how I think about it has definitely changed.

I used to say that spirituality was the only thing that I was interested in.

Nowadays, I can’t find a “spirit” to have a “ual” much less an “ality!”

Now what? I still have this stuff I do and stuff I don’t do.  🙂  

In fact, you may recall that questioning that has led me to some very interesting insights.

For example: 

I’m a person who is spiritual. Is that true?

or anything beginning with:

I need . . .

or

I want . . .

Is that true?

Anyway, there are a couple of other people who seem to have, if not just one interest, at least one umbrella interest that covers what I know of what they do. 

I’ve found myself very interested in what they do, so maybe there is something similar there. I’m curious. Maybe the one thing I am interested in is learning, but there are a lot of things I could care less about learning – how to fix my car, for example. I’m happy to pay someone else to do that! So, learning doesn’t really cover what it is that interests me, but it is part of it.

If I’m reading them right, it seems to boil down to:

Katie – Truth/Lie, which she seems to equate with Pleasure/Pain.

What she actually says is “If it hurts, you’re lying.”

Steven – Works/Fails

This is my way of expressing what Steven said as a duality about he is only interested in “how things work.”  Works/Fails is not what he said, but my interpretation of what he said. I think this may be important because saying you are interested in how things work could  be something that isn’t exactly a duality, but more beyond the idea of works/doesn’t work. 

(Bear with me, I write to think these things through.)

But, let’s start with Katie. She says that she is “someone who knows the difference between what hurts and what doesn’t.”  The Work of Byron Katie is based largely on finding out what is true and when we are lying to ourselves.

Question 1 is “Is that true?”

Question 2 is “Can you absolutely know that is true?”

Question 3 explores what happens when we believe the thought, “How do you react when you believe that thought?” Most of the time, it seems like the reactions are things I would describe as painful or undesirable.

Question 4 is “Who would you be without that thought? or that story?”  and most of the time, I find things like peace and other pleasurable feelings, experiences and situations.

Then we Turn It Around, another important thing about checking for truth:  check both sides, all sides, all possibilities. 99 times out of 10 (not a typo) I find that the Turn Arounds are at least as true as the original thought. Sometimes they are simply Someone Else’s Business, not something I can know.

Okay, that’s one person’s take on things. 

Steven’s interest in “how systems work,” sounds a bit more complex – a bit trickier.

The minute he said it, I could see how that fit. I love listening to him explain how things work once he has them figured out. On the other hand, sometimes I do tune out. I’m not interested in how everything works, just some things.

For the title of this blog, and for a little Re-Pairing the Universe (see Shampoo Methods on the right or Steven’s IAM Meditation on it) I rephrased what Steven said as works/fails. It’s often when something doesn’t seem to work, at least not the way I thought it would, that I start noticing it at all. We’re all that way. We can’t notice everything all the time, but when something isn’t working, we notice.

At the same time, as I think about it, it’s pretty clear that being interested in “how systems work” is quite different from just focusing on works/fails. That pairing is great for Re-Pairing, but the interest is beyond that. It’s quite subtle. And seems like it could be fairly potent – analogous to a quantum leap, even, which is to say that small difference can result in big differences. It’s one thing to be interested in a process and how it works, quite another to focus on whether it is “working” or “not.”

I wonder if the one thing I’m interested in is “how people work?”

No. That’s not it. I can see how a lot of people “work” and I can’t do anything much about how other people work.

Maybe it’s how I work? That’s pretty self-centered, but it’s honest. I can’t really know how anyone else works, exactly, except that we’re all pretty similar, as I discussed in a recent post.

I do tend to take whatever someone is saying and immediately check how that would be for me or how that would work for me, or I instantly think it wouldn’t be the same for me or wouldn’t work for me.

Hmm . . . people, communication, teaching, learning, words, all of these things interest me. I am certainly interested in truth. This morning while I was first thinking about this, before it became a blog, I was wondering if it’s truth I’m really interested in. I am very interested in truth. Genuine people, stories that give me an “aha,” things like that. It’s the “aha’s” combined with people that is part of what led me to say I was only interested in spiritual things, and then, that really, everything is spiritual. But I’m not really interested in everything. What is it?  

I’m open for comments here. 

I’m still wondering what it is that interests me. I’m looking for a little clarity here.

Every Time I Turn Around, Something Goes . . .

Right!

This is Me-Who-Does-Not-Write-at-Night doing it yet again!  That’s all Nat’lie’s fault! I swear that woman could get words out of a turnip. Speaking of words, did you know she said she doesn’t use the word, “spiritual?”  Interesting, isn’t it?

Well, the writing at night is partly to Nat’lie’s credit, but the lion’s share of the thanks for how I notice that Every Time I Turn Around Something Goes Right goes to the Anti-Guru, Steven Sashen, www.sashen.com/blog, for teaching me some really stupid obvious questions and thought-experiments and IAM Meditations, and stuff I call “The Shampoo Method – Lather, Rinse, Repeat.”

A lot of things have been changing for me this past month. I don’t remember ever being quite this clear or asking myself quite this many questions in quite the same way.

I’m asking questions about things I thought I’d never.

So far, I have questioned the following and found big whopping lies:

• Feng Shui
• Astrology
• Something can be “meant to be.”
• I/we/people are here to “grow” or “learn.”
• I/we/people should have a “purpose.”
• I/we/people can “do it wrong.”
• I/we/people have “blocks” we need to “overcome.”
• Anything Eckhart Tolle wrote.
• In fact, most spiritual books I ever read are full of lies just like the ones above.
• Even . . .  drum roll here . . . A Course in Miracles

Now, the books all brush past the truth in one way or another, but in order to sell, they seem to all include so many ideas that just don’t hold water.

In a slightly more personal vein, I’ve discovered that, contrary to prior (sometimes very loud and insistent) advertisment to the contrary . . . I am someone who . . .

• Writes at night.
• Has money in the bank.
• Knows how to “make” money.
• Can create a business.
• Can market herself and her services.
• Can wisely choose when to spend and when not to spend.
• Doesn’t need a “support group” or a “teacher” to know what to do.
• Doesn’t need to “talk before I know what I’m thinking.”
• CAN think in spatial terms and doesn’t always have to convert pictures to words. (That was a huge . . . something . . . I started to say “shock,” then I tried to say “surprise,” then I realized that it had been obvious all along and I’d been totally missing the obvious.)

In fact, let me take that out of parenthesis.

IT HAS ALL BEEN VERY, VERY OBVIOUS!!!

In addition, I . . .

• Moved out of a home I wasn’t comfortable in.
• Moved into a home I am far more comfortable in.
• Sold a car that was difficult and uncomfortable.
• Am in the process of buying a car that is easy and comfortable.
• Not in a relationship right now, which is far better than being in one I don’t want!

Now please don’t imagine there was anything “wrong” with my prior home, car or relationships. Paradoxically, there’s not. I loved that old 83 Toyota Corolla – green astroturf dashboard and all!  I loved the old roommate, the house, the cats, the times I had there. And I most certainly have loved all my relationships prior to now.

I cannot explain what this feels like. It’s a You’d Have to Have Been There. But that’s why I’m writing this. Piggy back on my experience, get a taste of this reality, try the Shampoo Methods. Read the Page on “Shampoo Method Instructions.”

Some of you reading this, whether you know me or not, are thinking, “Yeah, so?”

Well, that’s true. At the same time, it has changed everything.

I’ve been RePairing Opposites left and right. Err . . .   😉 (If you don’t know why that is hilarious, read the technique in any of the blogs or over in the sidebar under “Shampoo Method Instructions.”

Seriously. For example, I RePaired “going after things” vs. “things coming to me.” And now, nearly every time I think “I can’t  . . . blah blah blah” I have to check the other side of it, “I can. . . . blah blah blah.”

I’ve noticed that the following Turn Arounds are TRUER than my original lies (which I leave to the reader’s astute guesses):

• I’m a person who can start a business.
• I don’t get paid any more for being stressed while I’m working.
• I can do math in my head.
• I can tell what to spend my money on (This doesn’t mean that it always has a predictable outcome. It just means I can make a choice in places I was very, very unconscious.)
• Astrology disconnects me from my intuition.
• I don’t know how much money I’ll make this year, starting today. . . it hasn’t happened yet!

As far as money (and a lot of things) goes, I noticed that it really is a game!  God, how many years have I been reading this and thinking I understood?  That is not the same as understanding! For me, it’s like I haven’t been making straight A’s in something when all I have to do is go to do the homework. It’s not hard!  It’s easy!

I feel like I’m Teflon to lies and misperceptions, and I’m kinda blissed out on it.

Try it. You’ll like it. Or maybe not.  🙂

Love, Ann

“Success is a side-effect of clarity.”

                     – Steven Sashen, The Anti-Guru, www.sashen.com/blog

PS – Check this one out:  http://sashen.com/blog/44/we-are-in-the-matrix/  or any of the others!

 

 

Every Time I Turn Around, Something Goes . . .

Right!

This is Me-Who-Does-Not-Write-at-Night doing it yet again!  That’s all Nat’lie’s fault! I swear that woman could get words out of a turnip. Speaking of words, did you know she said she doesn’t use the word, “spiritual?”  Interesting, isn’t it?

Well, the writing at night is partly to Nat’lie’s credit, but the lion’s share of the thanks for how I notice that Every Time I Turn Around Something Goes Right goes to the Anti-Guru friend of mine, for teaching me some really stupid obvious questions and thought-experiments and IAM Meditations, and stuff I call “The Shampoo Method – Lather, Rinse, Repeat.”

A lot of things have been changing for me this past month. I don’t remember ever being quite this clear or asking myself quite this many questions in quite the same way.

I’m asking questions about things I thought I’d never.

So far, I have questioned the following and found big whopping lies:

• Feng Shui
• Astrology
• Something can be “meant to be.”
• I/we/people are here to “grow” or “learn.”
• I/we/people should have a “purpose.”
• I/we/people can “do it wrong.”
• I/we/people have “blocks” we need to “overcome.”
• Anything Eckhart Tolle wrote.
• In fact, most spiritual books I ever read are full of lies just like the ones above.
• Even . . .  drum roll here . . . A Course in Miracles

Now, the books all brush past the truth in one way or another, but in order to sell, they seem to all include so many ideas that just don’t hold water.

In a slightly more personal vein, I’ve discovered that, contrary to prior (sometimes very loud and insistent) advertisment to the contrary . . . I am someone who . . .

• Writes at night.
• Has money in the bank.
• Knows how to “make” money.
• Can create a business.
• Can market herself and her services.
• Can wisely choose when to spend and when not to spend.
• Doesn’t need a “support group” or a “teacher” to know what to do.
• Doesn’t need to “talk before I know what I’m thinking.”
• CAN think in spatial terms and doesn’t always have to convert pictures to words. (That was a huge . . . something . . . I started to say “shock,” then I tried to say “surprise,” then I realized that it had been obvious all along and I’d been totally missing the obvious.)

In fact, let me take that out of parenthesis.

IT HAS ALL BEEN VERY, VERY OBVIOUS!!!

In addition, I . . .

• Moved out of a home I wasn’t comfortable in.
• Moved into a home I am far more comfortable in.
• Sold a car that was difficult and uncomfortable.
• Am in the process of buying a car that is easy and comfortable.
• Not in a relationship right now, which is far better than being in one I don’t want!

Now please don’t imagine there was anything “wrong” with my prior home, car or relationships. Paradoxically, there’s not. I loved that old 83 Toyota Corolla – green astroturf dashboard and all!  I loved the old roommate, the house, the cats, the times I had there. And I most certainly have loved all my relationships prior to now.

I cannot explain what this feels like. It’s a You’d Have to Have Been There. But that’s why I’m writing this. Piggy back on my experience, get a taste of this reality, try the Shampoo Methods. Read the Page on “Shampoo Method Instructions.”

Some of you reading this, whether you know me or not, are thinking, “Yeah, so?”

Well, that’s true. At the same time, it has changed everything.

I’ve been RePairing Opposites left and right. Err . . .   😉 (If you don’t know why that is hilarious, read the technique in any of the blogs or over in the sidebar under “Shampoo Method Instructions.”

Seriously. For example, I RePaired “going after things” vs. “things coming to me.” And now, nearly every time I think “I can’t  . . . blah blah blah” I have to check the other side of it, “I can. . . . blah blah blah.”

I’ve noticed that the following Turn Arounds are TRUER than my original lies (which I leave to the reader’s astute guesses):

• I’m a person who can start a business.
• I don’t get paid any more for being stressed while I’m working.
• I can do math in my head.
• I can tell what to spend my money on (This doesn’t mean that it always has a predictable outcome. It just means I can make a choice in places I was very, very unconscious.)
• Astrology disconnects me from my intuition.
• I don’t know how much money I’ll make this year, starting today. . . it hasn’t happened yet!

As far as money (and a lot of things) goes, I noticed that it really is a game!  God, how many years have I been reading this and thinking I understood?  That is not the same as understanding! For me, it’s like I haven’t been making straight A’s in something when all I have to do is go to do the homework. It’s not hard!  It’s easy!

I feel like I’m Teflon to lies and misperceptions, and I’m kinda blissed out on it.

Try it. You’ll like it. Or maybe not.  🙂

Love, Ann

“Success is a side-effect of clarity.”

– Steven Sashen

PS – I wrote this 8 years ago. No idea why it wasn’t published then.

Shampoo Series – Oh Yes! or Oh No!

(If you reached this blog through a Tag and did not find what you were looking for, please comment and let me know.) 

Which way do you think you’d be more effective in dealing with something?  Peaceful or stressful?

Katie and other practitioners of The Work of Byron Katie ask this question a lot.

Somehow we got it wired up that we’ll succeed if we tense up, ready to spring into action with thoughts like “Oh no!” instead of relaxing with acceptance of what is and thoughts like “Oh yes.” I’d say 99.9% of the time this isn’t the key to success. It’s more likely to be a fight, flight or freeze reaction, rather than a clear, relaxed response.  

Most of the time it’s pretty obvious that a tense response blocks out information. It’s immediate tunnel vision. That is what a fight, flight or freeze response is supposed to do – focus us in case of an emergency.  What emergency?!

Katie says, “When you argue with reality, you lose – but only always.”

The car broke down.  Oh no!

My boyfriend broke up with me. How awful!

I have a headache. That’s terrible! 

Our culture calls this sympathy. It’s not. It’s commiserating.

To co-miserate means “to join in misery.” Why? Why have extra miserable tunnel-visioned people?

“To empathize does not mean to join in suffering, for that is what you must refuse to understand.”  
 
A Course in Miracles
Text, Chapter 16, 1st sentence, Page 330
 

Or, as Katie puts it:

“You move totally away from reality when you believe there is a legitimate reason to suffer.”

Byron Katie, “Loving What Is” page 288

 

We are taught that we aren’t being a good friend if we don’t join our friends in their suffering. Why debilitate both of us? Why cut ourselves off from our peace? Our knowing? Our power? Our present?

Denying with that “no” or “terrible” or “awful” won’t get the car fixed; it won’t get me on a bus. It won’t help me realize that I only want a relationship with someone who wants me and that there are other fish in the sea. It won’t lead me to take something for the headache or to stop eating or drinking things that may cause headaches.  And it definitely won’t help me see the variety of choices I have available.

A lot of my friends tell me that I’ve got a lot of “courage.” That may be true. I prefer to frame it as perspective. I can’t think of too many things that it would be useful for me to deny.

When we’re relaxed with an “oh yes,” letting the truth of the situation in, we are far more likely to see a broader vision, more choices, and more peace. In fact, it seems to me that I actually have the resources to find more choices in the peace of “oh yes.”

Is there a time for tension, springing into action, and focus?

Of course there is, but it is a brief, limited occasional thing. This response is great if a mountain lion is heading my way. Most of our daily challenges are not remotely like the mountain lion, but we respond with “oh no” and freeze our thinking and our resources. It’s no wonder we stay stuck in our same old relationships, same old jobs, same old life and wonder why nothing changes.

There is no mountain lion.

The previous blog talks a lot about trauma. Many of us are stuck in old  responses, including myself. That’s trauma. We may react to something n totally inappropriate ways out of habit due to some stuck thinking or stuck feelings that we internalized and have never questioned.

All of the Shampoo Methods are about questioning these and finding what is.

I’ve heard people express the fear that if they just accept everything with the “oh yes,” or another open, positive response, that they will succumb to inertia and never get up off the couch.

Is that true?

Far from it. When we do act, it will be more peaceful and more intuitive. We can sit on the couch until something moves us and the next thing we know, we’re fixing lunch or going to the store or calling a friend.

“A healed mind does not plan.” 

A Course in Miracles

A healed mind does not have to plan. Instead of blocking the creative impulses, we just do what’s next.

Love, Ann

A Home, A Job, A Dream – Trauma and Healing and Gratitude

Today, I could write about 5 blogs.

If you followed a Tag and didn’t find what you were looking for, please write a comment, so I know what you were looking for when you got here.

I woke up about 5 am, maybe earlier. I got out of bed about 5:30 am. This is beginning to be a lot of 5’s – a lot of change, the numerologist in me says.

One thing about living with cats is that you often remember your dreams. Why? The cat wakes you up in the middle of them. That’s why. Maybe it is  feature, not a bug.

Because there is so much, I’m will tell you what I’m going to tell you, tell you and then tell you what I told you. It’s an old formula for writing and speaking that can be very useful. While I may be no good at planning or cleaning, I am phenomenal at organizing. It helps me feel safe, so I got really good at it.

Several things play a part in today’s blog.

I’m going to tell you about home: my childhood home, the home I am working in for a temp job and the home I dream to live and work in.

I’m going to tell you about jobs. My first job was working for my father, beginning when I was about 12. This week, and maybe next, I am working in a house, donated to a mental health center and staffed by psychiatrists, counselors, nurses with office support staff to manage all the paperwork. Then there is my dream job.

I’m going to tell you my dreams, both waking and sleeping dreams. 

This is what an astrologer would call a Chiron story, a story of a wounded healer. Chiron is an asteroid only recently included in astrology.  Chiron is one of the centaurs, half human, half horse, just like my Sun, Mercury, Mars, Jupiter and Midheaven, which are all in Sagittarius – the sign of the centaur. You know the picture. We carry a bow and arrow and are known both for flinging them wildly and for hitting distant targets. I guess Centaurs have very good eyes. We see deep into people and situations. Other people call us psychic, but really, it’s just about looking rather than looking away. If you want to know more about Chiron and centaurs, check Wikipedia or read Eric Francis at www.planetwaves.net.

Back to the story . . .  

Let’s start with the dreams the cat helped me to remember this morning.

Last night before I went to sleep, I read the first 3 chapters of Peter A. Levine’s book, Healing Trauma: A Pioneering Program for Restoring the Wisdom of Your Body. I’ve known about Peter’s work for about 7 years. Some of the women I interned with during my master’s program were studying his work at a different school than mine. It sounded good to me, and I bought a copy of his book, Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma. I know I read some of it. Somewhere during the past 4 years of moving from home to home, I gave it away unfinished. Every now and then, I think I’ll try again.

The first dream the cat helped me to remember is, of course, not completely clear. I remember that someone wanted me to go out with him. It seemed like it was Michael, a former friend’s ex-husband. Okay, I remember thinking about him  yesterday. That makes some sense. I also remember being in an office building. It was kind of vacant and the time was early evening, I think. I was meeting my former roommate or at least he was there. Again, I emailed with him yesterday because he’s bringing me a bill of sale so I can register the car he so generously gave me. The last part of the dream, I was asking a chiropractor, actually, he’s the husband of a chiropractor I saw for many years. He rarely practices, but he is trained. I was asking him if I could pay his lowest price for a single adjustment. Single adjustments usually cost much more. He is a Network Chiropractor. I see a Flow Chiropractor now. But clearly the dream was about men, support and healing.

The second dream the cat helped me remember was about my childhood home. I was driving by and realized that the original red brick was back (some insensitive boob has actually painted the rich red brick, and it is now a creamy yellow – yuck). There were bushes sitting in pots ready to be planted. They were ligustrum, gardenia and something I used to call a bee bush, no idea what it really is, but the bees liked the white flowers. The old gardenias were dried and frazzled, but still alive and someone had removed them and placed them in pots. I suppose the nursery planned to bring them back to life.

Mema, my maternal grandmother, was there. She said that Mother still had the house and was refurbishing it. In the dream, I wondered what the rent would be and wondered about living there. I wondered if I could create my intentional healing community there.

I read both these dreams as stories of healing, healing trauma and sexual abuse, which is what this blog is mostly all about.

From my reading last night, here is a list from Peter Levine’s Healing Trauma.

Oh, first, let me say what trauma is.

On page 8, Levine says that after 30 years, it is still a challenge for him to define trauma. He says, “What I do know is that we become traumatized when our ability to respond to a perceived threat is in some way overwhelmed. This inability to adequately respond can impact us in obvious ways, as well as ways that are subtle.”

On page 20, Levine says, “The symptoms of trauma can be stable, that is, ever-present. They can also be unstable, meaning that they can come and go and be triggered by stress. Or they can remain hidden for decades and suddenly surface. Usually, symptoms do not occur individually, but come in groups. They often grow increasingly complex over time, becoming less and less connected with the original trauma experience.”

There are a lot of good lists in Levine’s book. It’s short and comes with a CD of guided exercises for re-visiting trauma and healing the body memories and associated symptoms. 

So, back to the lists I mentioned. You’ll find a list of “Obvious Causes of Trauma” and “Less Obvious Causes of Trauma” on pages 14 and 15. Levine suggests we pay attention to our bodies as we read these and notice any uneasiness or discomfort. I’ll let you get the book and do that.

He categorizes symptoms this way:

1. Hyperarousal
2. Constriction
3. Dissociation and denial
4. Feelings of helplessness, immobility and freezing

Now, here’s that list found on pages 18 – 20:

Symptoms: A Lengthy List 

• Hypervigilence (being “on guard” at all times)
• Intrusive imagery or flashbacks
• Extreme sensitivity to light and sound
• Hyperactivity
• Exaggerated emotional and startle responses
• Nightmares and night terrors
• Abrupt mood swings (rage reactions or temper tantrums, frequent anger, or crying)
• Shame and lack of self-worth
• Reduced ability to deal with stress (easily and frequently stressed out)
• Difficulty sleeping

Then he says some symptoms “can show up later, even years later.” He mentions that we are not meant to diagnose with these lists, just “get a feel for how trauma symptoms behave.”

• Panic attacks, anxiety and phobias
• Mental “blankness” or spaced-out feelings
• Avoidance behavior ( avoiding places, activities, movements, memories or people)
• Attraction to dangerous situations
• Addictive behaviors (overeating, drinking, smoking, etc.)
• Exaggerated or diminished sexual activity
• Amnesia and forgetfulness
• Inability to love, nurture, or bond with other individuals
• Fear of dying or having a shortened life
• Self-mutilation (severe abuse, self-inflicted cuting, etc.)
• Loss of sustaining beliefs (spiritual, religious, interpersonal)

Then he gives another list and says these “generally take longer to develop” (page 19). “In most cases, they may have been preceded by some of the earlier symptoms.”

• Excessive shyness
• Diminished emotional responses
• Inability to make commitments
• Chronic fatigue or very low physical energy
• Immune system problems and certain endocrine problems such as thyroid malfunction and environmental sensitivities
• Psychosomatic illnesses, particularly headaches, migraines, neck and back problems
• Chronic pain
• Fibromyalgia
• Asthma
• Skin disorders
• Digestive proglems (spastic colon)
• Severe premenstrual syndrome
• Depressionand feelings of impending doom
• Feelings of detachment, alienation and isolation (“living dead” feelings)
• Reduced ability to formulate plans

I imagine we have all experienced enough trauma, even mild trauma, that reading these lists make us feel a little edgy.

So, take a deep breath . . . several.

When you’re ready, continue.

There is one last symptom on page 20. Levine calls it “The Compulsion to Repeat.” It is well worth reading the story he tells there. It is an amazingly specific example.

Now, what does all of this have to do with this blog? Or with “A Home, A Job, A Dream.” I think you are beginning to see. Some of you, especially those with similar experiences to mine, see very clearly. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate the fact that you are still reading.

Trauma is a clear case of “reality is kinder than our thinking.”

Remember, it doesn’t matter if the threat is real or what is really going on. Thunder can traumatize a baby, says Levine, but there is no real danger. It is the perception that brings on these trauma symptoms. I’m not saying they are not real. Trust me, they are. I’ll get into some of my own symptoms as we go, and I’ve mentioned a lot of them in previous blogs.

But what Katie says is true, “The worst that can happen is a thought.”

Once we re-think the situation, and I feel Levine is right, we need to include the body in this re-thinking, once we re-think a situation, change our perception of it, healing happens.

A Course in Miracles  says “projection makes perception.” (Text, page 445) We project our thoughts onto people and situations, and believe this to be reality. It’s not. ACIM says we live in a dream world, not in reality. The 365 daily meditations in the workbook and the Text and Manual for Teachers are support in changing our perceptions and waking up to reality.

I call The Work of Byron Katie, A Course in Miracles in 4 questions and a Turn Around. It is much faster. I’m not necessarily saying it’s better, though. Time is a godsend when we are healing and taking a year or more to do A Course in Miracles can be very beneficial.

Steven Sashen gives a great and simple example of reality being kinder than his thinking in his Anti-Guru blog.

http://sashen.com/blog/34/rearranging-furniture-in-imaginary-houses/

Read his version. Basically, one element of his therapy for years was the idea that his parents took $42 from him as a child. The truth was much kinder than his thinking.

Steven is a great example of the Chiron archetype. After years of what you might call financial trauma, he woke up. The seminal event had more to do with relationships, and it generalized to everything. Reality was much kinder than his thinking, and he lived to tell the tale. I wish the book were out. Write and ask him for it. (steven@sashen.com)

And ask when he’s going to teach his next seminar, too. He only teaches on request.

The next seminar will hopefully be on the Instant Advanced Meditation or IAM.

http://www.advancedmeditation.com/cmd.php?af=570391

If Katie’s Work is ACIM in 4 questions and a Turn Around, Steven’s IAM is a kinder reality now. It really is instantaneous.

Again, instantaneous is not necessarily “better.” Sometimes a full Worksheet in Katie’s way is exactly what I needed. Sometimes A Course in Miracles. Sometimes IAM. 

I’ve learned a lot from Steven.

So on with my story.  

I’ve told you about last night’s dreams, which include my childhood home. Let me tell you about a job.

Right now, I’m working a temp job at a place that houses counselors, nurses and psychiatrists who see the mentally and developmentally challenged members of our community. There is also an office manager, a person who helps these clients manage their money, and a couple of other business support staff.

Maybe I work temp jobs because I was traumatized by working for my father and going down on him both at the office and at home. I always knew some day I’d grow up and be able to work some other job. But there’s that compulsion to repeat that Levine mentions. I even had sex with co-workers at my very next job, working for an attorney when I was 16 and just out of high school.

I’ve been blessed to be supported by boyfriends and husbands for several periods in my life. This has allowed me to go to school, write, teach and work towards doing something with my background that might be healing for others and continue my own healing in the process.

That’s the job I really want. Well, more truthfully, that’s the job I really have.

So, if you’re a regular reader of this blog, I’ll bet you can put some pieces together and understand how it is that I have tried many major leaps to see how they would go in my attempts to create my dream home, which is my dream job. I moved to Georgia one year to see if I could build my dream there. My dream is how I came to go to Ireland last September. It is what I dreamed of doing with Audrey’s home. It is why I jumped in feet first to see if Paul was the partner I dreamed of who would work with me and complement my talents of writing, teaching and counseling, with his talents in storytelling, sales and money management.

When something looks like the Next Step toward my dream, I take it.

A Home, A Job and A Dream – Healing Trauma

It is my dream to live in an intentional community where I work with like-minded others teaching, writing and counseling.

Maybe I’ll post the latest version of that as a Cowgirl Interlude.

I would love to find others who share that dream with me, living and working together.

In fact, let me put that as a request.

If you feel moved to live and work with others who have experienced life paths of trauma, healing trauma and sharing with others about how to heal trauma, especially the perceived threat of sexual abuse, comment on this blog. I will reply to all serious inquiries.

We need funding, a location, a business manager, an editor, a book publisher, a computer geek or three, as well as teachers, healers, counselors and writers.

So that is my story of my childhood home and jobs, my current home and jobs, and how they relate to my waking and sleeping dreams.

It’s almost time to go to the temp job, so I’ll post this and I may edit it some over the next few days.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Love and many blessings, Ann

Shampoo Series – Spiritual Enlightenment – What If?

What if . . .

Think of the things you complain about, dread and dislike in your life. Make a list.

Now, what if your happiness, your peace, your “spiritual enlightenment,” depended on having exactly those things in your life?

We have this idea that if we achieve these concepts of happiness, peace and spiritual enlightenment everything will be some kind of “All Bliss, All the Time.”

Well, check.

I was at the Gathering for the Work of Byron Katie, when someone said that she couldn’t follow her spiritual calling unless she had the freedom to move out of state, something she cannot do with her child, by divorce decree.

Steven looked at her and asked, “Nelson Mandela was in prison for how long?”

We all laughed.

“And the Christian saints and martyrs? They were free to move and travel about all the time, right?”

Er…

I added, “and Ghandi got around really well while he was fasting.”

No, he could barely lay on his pallet sometimes he was so weak from fasting from what I have heard.

For myself, incest in my childhood, the exciting and exhilarating journey from grief to gratitude, were all part of following my spiritual calling. The story is in this blog.

So, the next time you have a complaint or some stress you think is keeping you from . . . anything . . . check. It might be merely the next step in following your spiritual calling.

Love, Ann

Shampoo Series – Green Eggs and Ham Re-Pairing the Universe

(If you followed a Tag and didn’t find what you were looking for, please write a comment, so I know what you were looking for when you got here.) 

First, my mother’s wisdom on the subject:

“Ping or pong – it’s still the same game.”

Mother re-paired the universe there. So, did the little guy in Green Eggs & Ham. All he had to do was to try them. I have a friend in Texas, Kurt, who says, “Always try it twice- it might be an acquired taste.”

Ping – I know Paul and I could make a fabulous couple, enjoying life and doing things together in the world.

Pong – Marriage after 3 visits? Essentially 3 dates? Well, no wonder I balk at that. I’m willing to commit to moving in that direction, certainly.

Paul said “I feel pressured.” He also turned it around and noticed that “I am pressuring you.”

Clarity reigns.

He has been attracted to me for 35 years. I thought he was a nice guy, a good friend, but since he is like neither my father, nor my mother, I did not have the instinctive chemistry that we all have when we meet someone who is the same familiar Higher Alignment archetype as our parents.

I am extremely attracted to Paul’s conversation, goals, values and the way he opens to reality and truth in a heartbeat (especially when I challenge the Southern Baptist Conventions).

My attraction is different. Sexual attraction is learnable. I know that. I am even trained in how to create it. Might take some practice. That’s okay. Sometimes I look at him and think he’s the sexiest man I’ve ever had.

We keep doing The Work of Byron Katie together, the IAM meditations from Steven Sashen, especially Goal-Free Goal Setting, Re-Pairing Opposites and Releasing Contractions.

I’m enjoying the greatest game on Earth – two people dancing their lives together.

Your serve, Paul!

Love, Ann

5 Minutes to Deep Peace on Thursday 9/13

You will be entertained at the very least and enlightenment is an option.

http://advancedmeditation.com/cmd.php?Clk=2095310

Thursday, 9/13, there is a teleconference call where you can learn more about this. There will be sample meditations and a chance at a free gift worth $400.

http://advancedmeditation.com/cmd.php?Clk=2095310 

Trust me. You want to try this. The IAM Meditations are the product of the fertile mind of Steven Sashen who is also responsible for much of the Shampoo Method we talk about here every day.

It’s completely safe. I’d trust this guy with my life.

This feeling, this is what we have all been looking for our whole lives. It’s like coming home.

Love, Ann