Sexual Desires

Sometimes people wonder where I am as far as what I look for in a relationship, or, more specifically, in a sex partner. I wrote the list below recently and decided it might be educational to post it. Besides, I am available and single again.

I want a relationship with more peace than stress, one in which both partners take full and complete responsibility for ourselves without blame, and if we find ourselves blaming, we inquire and find the truth. I want the spontaneous right action that arises when truth is engaged beyond our illusions of me/you, self/other, right/wrong.

Oh, is that all?

Anyway, here is a list I came up with when someone asked what I look for in sexual relationship:

1.  Connection – that blissful, rolling, energy-exchange that happens when two people are blissed out together and the energy moves between them. Both of us connect in that space. 
 
2.  Trust – I want my partner to so thoroughly know and trust me that we can fully relax.
 
3.  Relaxation – relaxing into the moments together. (i.e. no stress, no games, no putting on an act)  Just being there and being open.
 
4.  Love – it either can’t be defined or has too many definitions to be meaningful. These 3 less-abused words above combined would be something like it. But i still can’t describe it. 
 
5.  Commitment – a stable, monogamous (unless otherwise discussed) commitment to be wtih each other and not fly away at every little upset, but to stay and use The Work, IAM, or whatever works to investigate our *own* thoughts without blaming the other. I am pretty sure that each person taking full responsibility for themselves is the key, the core, the essence, the essential piece of the relationships I have watched that seem to work really well.
 
I know – where’s the sex? you may be wondering. Without the above, sex is just rubbing the slippery bits together.
 
6. Submission – I would love to some day be able to trust my partner’s lead, not just in bed, but in other things. To have our values and goals and lifestyles aligned so that we could easily speak for one another – but don’t because “whose business are we in if we do that?”  From this trust, flows trust in the bedroom, letting my body bend to your will whether you are spanking my ass or f*king my pussy or talking to me (dirty, sweet, whatever).
 
Yep, still not much on specific sex acts. Those aren’t the most important at all – in sex or in life.  Peace first, then let the details arise. Still, I suppose I should give you a list of that sort of thing, too. Just for fun. 
 
7.  Orgasms – yeah, that’s not exactly a sex act, either, and honestly, I don’t care how I get there. 
     Never stop at 1.  Always a minimum of 2 even for quickies.  Sometimes as many as 20.
 
There’s an exception to that, though – at times when I am totally blissed out – it’s *all* orgasm and counting is pretty meaningless, though there *are* physical peaks that go with the full-body high.
 
My name is Ann and I play for orgasms.
 
8.  Domination – a general description of many acts – getting closer.  If you have read this far, and have some perspective, I suppose I can list a few details:
 
I like to be manhandled, spanked, called names, talked to, told what to do, bent over, bent back, turned over, hair grabbed, mouth forced down on your cock or kissed.  I like being f*ed in the ass. I like being f*ed in the pussy and in the mouth.  I like being f*ed between my breasts and anywhere else you want to f*k me. Come?  Anywhere. Come on my tits, my face, in my ass, in my pussy. Just come!
 
 
Sure, I like deep and sweet, too. That is a lot harder for me to describe because it varies so much from person to person.

 9. After Care – and then I like to cuddle, be held, maybe start all over again.

Post comments if you like, and please keep it courteous!

Love, Ann

“What this world needs more of is loving:  sweaty, friendly and unashamed.”

                                     – Robert A. Heinlein
                                       To Sail Beyond The Sunset

“Those whose power is genuinely absolute are incorruptible.”

            – Spider Robinson
              In both “DeathKiller” and “Time Pressure”

More on Internet Dating

Internet dating is such a hit-or-miss numbers game.

I’m kind of fond of some of the sites, like OK Cupid, because I like taking tests. (Don’t bother to look for me there. I use a pseudonym.)  I’ve met a couple of fne people on Plenty of Fish, too.

But they can be such time sinks! Especially, if I find someone that looks like a “maybe.”

It’s almost like gambling. I think I’ve said this before. I get just close enough, just often enough, to keep me looking at these a couple or three times a month for a couple of days at a time. Then that potential bubble is burst, and I go back to thinking that meeting in person is really the way to go.

Internet dating has everything backwards.

You find out a ton of things about the person, dependingon their profile, or nearly nothing, not even what they look like, depending on their photos and how recent they are. You have no idea whether you will be drawn to them in person or not. And I am so verbal that I can mistake really good email and phone compatibility for more potential that really exists.

It’s a bit annoying.

That’s okay. I imagine at some point I will meet and mate and take down my profiles from all of these silly things forever – unless I don’t. I do strongly prefer to be partnered, and at the same time I’d rather have no partner than one that isn’t working out.

One thought I have is that I should just create my *own* dating site and reap some rewards that way.

Love, Ann

Sorting By ASL

Age, Sex, Location – if you don’t know.

I cannot tell you how often I get a reply on Craig’s List or Match.com or oOKCupid.com or some other dating site reply that says, “I’m X number of years old, but age is just a number,” from men 20 years younger than I am or “I’m X number of years old, but I don’t look it,” from people who look like my grandfather.

I’ll admit that I’m in the middle-aged range. I’m in my mid-40’s. 

I also know there is a thing called the “cohort effect” in psychology that is also something we find in dating. In psychological studies, you would not run a study on people who were teenagers in the 60’s and people who were teenagers in the 90’s and expect them to have the same values about sex.  One was “free love” time and one was “post AIDS.” They are different groups with different ideas simply because they were born earlier or later and participated in a different decade of events.  

Nothing wrong with either of them. They’re just different.

I get letters from guys who are 28 or 29 telling me how they love older women, we know what we want, we don’t play games, etc. Sure, it might be fun to romp with one of these kids, but they could literally be my kid! So, I don’t.  

I send them a reply that goes something like this:  

“I understand your point of view.  I was way beyond my years, as well. At the same time, have you noticed how you don’t even speak English the same way as someone my age? I find it offensive when someone says “whazzup?”  You think you’re just saying “hello.” 
 
We don’t know the same music, the same TV shows, the same movies, and while I realize those things are shallow in one sense, we take them for granted and don’t notice the deeper bonds they contribute to unless we get with someone 20 years away from us.
 
In a sense, you are totally correct, age doesn’t matter. At the same time, no one I know of who is over 40 says age doesn’t matter. It’s really the younger portion of people who think that because they haven’t been where we are. I’d love to hear what you think about this in 20 years.
 
But the most important thing I notice here is that you didn’t say a thing about the erotic, intuitive, spiritual connection that is the only thing I requested in my ad. That’s okay, the older guys miss that, too.”

Usually, sorting by Sex and Location is a lot simpler.

I’m a woman looking for a man. Simple, right?

Oh, I’ve dated a few transgendered men, and I’ve definitely loved women, but right now, I’m simply a woman looking for a man.

Location?

If you’re more than 50 miles away you are an LDR (Long Distance Relationship) and I’m not interested. You need to be close enough to count, ok?

So, let’s make these dating site emails count. Read what is requested and respond specifically. There may be a lot of variations and details that we’ll figure out as we get to know each other, but c’mon, how hard can ASL be?

Love, Ann

Dating or Polyamory

Back when I was seriously dating Wolf, and we were sorting through his relationship preference for polyamory and mine for monogamy, he asked me, “Why do you say you’re just poly when you’re dating?  Aren’t polyamory and dating the same thing?”

Not to me.

Dating generally stops at least at third base, ie heavy petting, in high school terms. If I’m dating, I’ve made no committment beyond that date. When I’m dating, I’m still checking you out, not sure whether I’m staying or going until I know you better.

Polyamory implies a relationship, sex in any form, and some kind of commitment to the continuance of the relationship. It implies we know each other well enough to be planning to be around for a while.

Yes, yes, I’ve done the sex-on-the-first-date thing and no-sex-till-the-third-date thing and the let’s-wait-till-we’re-married thing (got married in 11 days once on account of that.) I can find all kinds of variations in sex and the plans or expectations of a continued relationships. At the same time, I notice that there is this phenomenon I experience that I call, “One orgasm and I want to get married.” 

Apparently, it isn’t like that for everyone.

Eric Francis just wrote this in-depth series on sex and love (www.planetwaves.net) and in the last installment he compared what astrology calls 5th house love, creativity and children and 8th house love, marriage, and transformation. One of the first questions he posed in this series was “would you rather have sex in an art studio or a bank?”

A bank!  There’s soft cushy furniture, maybe dark wood paneling and desks to bend over. Elevators can be fun, too.

An art studio, to me, is too messy, no place to sit, stand or lie down comfortably – all bar stools and hardwood – probably pine and light stained or worse – concrete! Too many colors, too little order. Yuck!

Different strokes for different folks.

I’m all for having love and creativity, of course. I just prefer it in the crucible of monogamy and the transformational awareness that I find in that.

I will date more than one person at a time, with or without sex, depending on what is there between us. But when I find a good fit, I much prefer to find the many in the one.

Love, Ann
 

A Home, A Job, A Dream – Trauma and Healing and Gratitude

Today, I could write about 5 blogs.

If you followed a Tag and didn’t find what you were looking for, please write a comment, so I know what you were looking for when you got here.

I woke up about 5 am, maybe earlier. I got out of bed about 5:30 am. This is beginning to be a lot of 5’s – a lot of change, the numerologist in me says.

One thing about living with cats is that you often remember your dreams. Why? The cat wakes you up in the middle of them. That’s why. Maybe it is  feature, not a bug.

Because there is so much, I’m will tell you what I’m going to tell you, tell you and then tell you what I told you. It’s an old formula for writing and speaking that can be very useful. While I may be no good at planning or cleaning, I am phenomenal at organizing. It helps me feel safe, so I got really good at it.

Several things play a part in today’s blog.

I’m going to tell you about home: my childhood home, the home I am working in for a temp job and the home I dream to live and work in.

I’m going to tell you about jobs. My first job was working for my father, beginning when I was about 12. This week, and maybe next, I am working in a house, donated to a mental health center and staffed by psychiatrists, counselors, nurses with office support staff to manage all the paperwork. Then there is my dream job.

I’m going to tell you my dreams, both waking and sleeping dreams. 

This is what an astrologer would call a Chiron story, a story of a wounded healer. Chiron is an asteroid only recently included in astrology.  Chiron is one of the centaurs, half human, half horse, just like my Sun, Mercury, Mars, Jupiter and Midheaven, which are all in Sagittarius – the sign of the centaur. You know the picture. We carry a bow and arrow and are known both for flinging them wildly and for hitting distant targets. I guess Centaurs have very good eyes. We see deep into people and situations. Other people call us psychic, but really, it’s just about looking rather than looking away. If you want to know more about Chiron and centaurs, check Wikipedia or read Eric Francis at www.planetwaves.net.

Back to the story . . .  

Let’s start with the dreams the cat helped me to remember this morning.

Last night before I went to sleep, I read the first 3 chapters of Peter A. Levine’s book, Healing Trauma: A Pioneering Program for Restoring the Wisdom of Your Body. I’ve known about Peter’s work for about 7 years. Some of the women I interned with during my master’s program were studying his work at a different school than mine. It sounded good to me, and I bought a copy of his book, Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma. I know I read some of it. Somewhere during the past 4 years of moving from home to home, I gave it away unfinished. Every now and then, I think I’ll try again.

The first dream the cat helped me to remember is, of course, not completely clear. I remember that someone wanted me to go out with him. It seemed like it was Michael, a former friend’s ex-husband. Okay, I remember thinking about him  yesterday. That makes some sense. I also remember being in an office building. It was kind of vacant and the time was early evening, I think. I was meeting my former roommate or at least he was there. Again, I emailed with him yesterday because he’s bringing me a bill of sale so I can register the car he so generously gave me. The last part of the dream, I was asking a chiropractor, actually, he’s the husband of a chiropractor I saw for many years. He rarely practices, but he is trained. I was asking him if I could pay his lowest price for a single adjustment. Single adjustments usually cost much more. He is a Network Chiropractor. I see a Flow Chiropractor now. But clearly the dream was about men, support and healing.

The second dream the cat helped me remember was about my childhood home. I was driving by and realized that the original red brick was back (some insensitive boob has actually painted the rich red brick, and it is now a creamy yellow – yuck). There were bushes sitting in pots ready to be planted. They were ligustrum, gardenia and something I used to call a bee bush, no idea what it really is, but the bees liked the white flowers. The old gardenias were dried and frazzled, but still alive and someone had removed them and placed them in pots. I suppose the nursery planned to bring them back to life.

Mema, my maternal grandmother, was there. She said that Mother still had the house and was refurbishing it. In the dream, I wondered what the rent would be and wondered about living there. I wondered if I could create my intentional healing community there.

I read both these dreams as stories of healing, healing trauma and sexual abuse, which is what this blog is mostly all about.

From my reading last night, here is a list from Peter Levine’s Healing Trauma.

Oh, first, let me say what trauma is.

On page 8, Levine says that after 30 years, it is still a challenge for him to define trauma. He says, “What I do know is that we become traumatized when our ability to respond to a perceived threat is in some way overwhelmed. This inability to adequately respond can impact us in obvious ways, as well as ways that are subtle.”

On page 20, Levine says, “The symptoms of trauma can be stable, that is, ever-present. They can also be unstable, meaning that they can come and go and be triggered by stress. Or they can remain hidden for decades and suddenly surface. Usually, symptoms do not occur individually, but come in groups. They often grow increasingly complex over time, becoming less and less connected with the original trauma experience.”

There are a lot of good lists in Levine’s book. It’s short and comes with a CD of guided exercises for re-visiting trauma and healing the body memories and associated symptoms. 

So, back to the lists I mentioned. You’ll find a list of “Obvious Causes of Trauma” and “Less Obvious Causes of Trauma” on pages 14 and 15. Levine suggests we pay attention to our bodies as we read these and notice any uneasiness or discomfort. I’ll let you get the book and do that.

He categorizes symptoms this way:

1. Hyperarousal
2. Constriction
3. Dissociation and denial
4. Feelings of helplessness, immobility and freezing

Now, here’s that list found on pages 18 – 20:

Symptoms: A Lengthy List 

• Hypervigilence (being “on guard” at all times)
• Intrusive imagery or flashbacks
• Extreme sensitivity to light and sound
• Hyperactivity
• Exaggerated emotional and startle responses
• Nightmares and night terrors
• Abrupt mood swings (rage reactions or temper tantrums, frequent anger, or crying)
• Shame and lack of self-worth
• Reduced ability to deal with stress (easily and frequently stressed out)
• Difficulty sleeping

Then he says some symptoms “can show up later, even years later.” He mentions that we are not meant to diagnose with these lists, just “get a feel for how trauma symptoms behave.”

• Panic attacks, anxiety and phobias
• Mental “blankness” or spaced-out feelings
• Avoidance behavior ( avoiding places, activities, movements, memories or people)
• Attraction to dangerous situations
• Addictive behaviors (overeating, drinking, smoking, etc.)
• Exaggerated or diminished sexual activity
• Amnesia and forgetfulness
• Inability to love, nurture, or bond with other individuals
• Fear of dying or having a shortened life
• Self-mutilation (severe abuse, self-inflicted cuting, etc.)
• Loss of sustaining beliefs (spiritual, religious, interpersonal)

Then he gives another list and says these “generally take longer to develop” (page 19). “In most cases, they may have been preceded by some of the earlier symptoms.”

• Excessive shyness
• Diminished emotional responses
• Inability to make commitments
• Chronic fatigue or very low physical energy
• Immune system problems and certain endocrine problems such as thyroid malfunction and environmental sensitivities
• Psychosomatic illnesses, particularly headaches, migraines, neck and back problems
• Chronic pain
• Fibromyalgia
• Asthma
• Skin disorders
• Digestive proglems (spastic colon)
• Severe premenstrual syndrome
• Depressionand feelings of impending doom
• Feelings of detachment, alienation and isolation (“living dead” feelings)
• Reduced ability to formulate plans

I imagine we have all experienced enough trauma, even mild trauma, that reading these lists make us feel a little edgy.

So, take a deep breath . . . several.

When you’re ready, continue.

There is one last symptom on page 20. Levine calls it “The Compulsion to Repeat.” It is well worth reading the story he tells there. It is an amazingly specific example.

Now, what does all of this have to do with this blog? Or with “A Home, A Job, A Dream.” I think you are beginning to see. Some of you, especially those with similar experiences to mine, see very clearly. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate the fact that you are still reading.

Trauma is a clear case of “reality is kinder than our thinking.”

Remember, it doesn’t matter if the threat is real or what is really going on. Thunder can traumatize a baby, says Levine, but there is no real danger. It is the perception that brings on these trauma symptoms. I’m not saying they are not real. Trust me, they are. I’ll get into some of my own symptoms as we go, and I’ve mentioned a lot of them in previous blogs.

But what Katie says is true, “The worst that can happen is a thought.”

Once we re-think the situation, and I feel Levine is right, we need to include the body in this re-thinking, once we re-think a situation, change our perception of it, healing happens.

A Course in Miracles  says “projection makes perception.” (Text, page 445) We project our thoughts onto people and situations, and believe this to be reality. It’s not. ACIM says we live in a dream world, not in reality. The 365 daily meditations in the workbook and the Text and Manual for Teachers are support in changing our perceptions and waking up to reality.

I call The Work of Byron Katie, A Course in Miracles in 4 questions and a Turn Around. It is much faster. I’m not necessarily saying it’s better, though. Time is a godsend when we are healing and taking a year or more to do A Course in Miracles can be very beneficial.

Steven Sashen gives a great and simple example of reality being kinder than his thinking in his Anti-Guru blog.

http://sashen.com/blog/34/rearranging-furniture-in-imaginary-houses/

Read his version. Basically, one element of his therapy for years was the idea that his parents took $42 from him as a child. The truth was much kinder than his thinking.

Steven is a great example of the Chiron archetype. After years of what you might call financial trauma, he woke up. The seminal event had more to do with relationships, and it generalized to everything. Reality was much kinder than his thinking, and he lived to tell the tale. I wish the book were out. Write and ask him for it. (steven@sashen.com)

And ask when he’s going to teach his next seminar, too. He only teaches on request.

The next seminar will hopefully be on the Instant Advanced Meditation or IAM.

http://www.advancedmeditation.com/cmd.php?af=570391

If Katie’s Work is ACIM in 4 questions and a Turn Around, Steven’s IAM is a kinder reality now. It really is instantaneous.

Again, instantaneous is not necessarily “better.” Sometimes a full Worksheet in Katie’s way is exactly what I needed. Sometimes A Course in Miracles. Sometimes IAM. 

I’ve learned a lot from Steven.

So on with my story.  

I’ve told you about last night’s dreams, which include my childhood home. Let me tell you about a job.

Right now, I’m working a temp job at a place that houses counselors, nurses and psychiatrists who see the mentally and developmentally challenged members of our community. There is also an office manager, a person who helps these clients manage their money, and a couple of other business support staff.

Maybe I work temp jobs because I was traumatized by working for my father and going down on him both at the office and at home. I always knew some day I’d grow up and be able to work some other job. But there’s that compulsion to repeat that Levine mentions. I even had sex with co-workers at my very next job, working for an attorney when I was 16 and just out of high school.

I’ve been blessed to be supported by boyfriends and husbands for several periods in my life. This has allowed me to go to school, write, teach and work towards doing something with my background that might be healing for others and continue my own healing in the process.

That’s the job I really want. Well, more truthfully, that’s the job I really have.

So, if you’re a regular reader of this blog, I’ll bet you can put some pieces together and understand how it is that I have tried many major leaps to see how they would go in my attempts to create my dream home, which is my dream job. I moved to Georgia one year to see if I could build my dream there. My dream is how I came to go to Ireland last September. It is what I dreamed of doing with Audrey’s home. It is why I jumped in feet first to see if Paul was the partner I dreamed of who would work with me and complement my talents of writing, teaching and counseling, with his talents in storytelling, sales and money management.

When something looks like the Next Step toward my dream, I take it.

A Home, A Job and A Dream – Healing Trauma

It is my dream to live in an intentional community where I work with like-minded others teaching, writing and counseling.

Maybe I’ll post the latest version of that as a Cowgirl Interlude.

I would love to find others who share that dream with me, living and working together.

In fact, let me put that as a request.

If you feel moved to live and work with others who have experienced life paths of trauma, healing trauma and sharing with others about how to heal trauma, especially the perceived threat of sexual abuse, comment on this blog. I will reply to all serious inquiries.

We need funding, a location, a business manager, an editor, a book publisher, a computer geek or three, as well as teachers, healers, counselors and writers.

So that is my story of my childhood home and jobs, my current home and jobs, and how they relate to my waking and sleeping dreams.

It’s almost time to go to the temp job, so I’ll post this and I may edit it some over the next few days.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Love and many blessings, Ann

5 Minutes to Deep Peace on Thursday 9/13

You will be entertained at the very least and enlightenment is an option.

http://advancedmeditation.com/cmd.php?Clk=2095310

Thursday, 9/13, there is a teleconference call where you can learn more about this. There will be sample meditations and a chance at a free gift worth $400.

http://advancedmeditation.com/cmd.php?Clk=2095310 

Trust me. You want to try this. The IAM Meditations are the product of the fertile mind of Steven Sashen who is also responsible for much of the Shampoo Method we talk about here every day.

It’s completely safe. I’d trust this guy with my life.

This feeling, this is what we have all been looking for our whole lives. It’s like coming home.

Love, Ann  

Ping

My Yogi Tea tab today says:

“Where there is love, there is no question.”

My friend in London sent me a gorgeous voice recording of Sonnet 116 by Shakespeare. I’ll post that as a Cowgirl Interlude soon.

Paul sent me “On the Street Where You Live” from My Fair Lady.

He is on his way to Phoenix to meet my mother and her husband?

Oh, how did that happen? Well, Mother is cleaning out some books. She had a couple of Linda Goodman’s astrology books to give away and wondered if I wanted them. I don’t, but Paul was interested in taking a look at them. Okay. Now he is on his way to Phoenix. He has business there, and he will be visiting his parents. Then he will have dinner with Mother and her husband on Thursday.

Me?

Oh Jeez. I don’t know!

It’s just the most romantic thing that’s every happened to me and I’ve had a lot of romance in my life, a lot.

I’m nervous. That’s what.

I only know one person who did a complete about-face on a relationship. Steven Sashen’s wife did that. The story is in Byron Katie’s second book,  I Need Your Love – Is That True? It wasn’t until Sashen really let go of the tension of wanting a relationship with her that things relaxed, clarity prevailed and she looked at him and thought that she could have the freedom and love she had always wanted.

Up until then, she was not interested in him.

That gave them a couple of years to become friends first. She says that made all the difference. Steven proved he’d be there, that he wanted more than a fantasy. That took some time.

And I’ve got time.

I will marry when it is simply the Next thing to do.

I will marry when there is no aching, needing, wanting, gotta have it on either side – mine or my husband’s. When marrying is the next obvious step to having the life that each of us wants. When it is not an attempt to fill some imaginary void inside, but an expression of the fullness of who I am, and who he is.

I want that decision to arise naturally and spontaneously from a place of peace and clarity.

I think you begin to understand that now if you’ve read a few of these blogs.

You also understand why, when we are “needing” and “wanting” it tells me clearly that in that moment, that this is not it.

And when we are clear and peaceful, I can see the possibility.

Now, when *I* am clear and peaceful about marrying someone – Paul or whomever – then and only then, will I say, “yes.”

Ideally, all decisions – cars, furniture, vacations – arise from that clear, peaceful, God-centered spontaneous place.

Love, Ann

“Success is a side-effect of clarity.”

                   – Steven Sashen

                    http://sashen.com/blog/

Cowgirl Interlude – Hunting Girl & Jack-in-the-Green by Jethro Tull

Hunting Girl

One day I walked the road and crossed a field
  to go by where the hounds ran hard.
And on the master raced: behind the hunters chased
  to where the path was barred.
One fine young lady’s horse refused the fence to clear.
I unlocked the gate but she did wait until the pack had disappeared.

Crop handle carved in bone;
  sat high upon a throne of finest English leather.
The queen of all the pack,
  this joker raised his hat and talked about the weather.
All should be warned about this high born Hunting Girl.
She took this simple man’s downfall in hand;
  I raised the flag that she unfurled.

Boot leather flashing and spurnecks the size of my thumb.
This highborn hunter had tastes as strange as they come.
Unbridled passion: I took the bit in my teeth.
Her standing over — me on my knees underneath.

My lady, be discrete.
I must get to my feet and go back to the farm.
Whilst I appreciate you are no deviate,
  I might come to some harm.
I’m not inclined to acts refined, if that’s how it goes.
Oh, high born Hunting Girl,
  I’m just a normal low born so and so.

Jack-In-The-Green

Have you seen Jack-In-The-Green?
With his long tail hanging down.
He sits quietly under every tree —
  in the folds of his velvet gown.
He drinks from the empty acorn cup
  the dew that dawn sweetly bestows.
And taps his cane upon the ground —
  signals the snowdrops it’s time to grow.

It’s no fun being Jack-In-The-Green —
  no place to dance, no time for song.
He wears the colours of the summer soldier —
  carries the green flag all the winter long.

Jack, do you never sleep —
  does the green still run deep in your heart?
Or will these changing times,
  motorways, powerlines,
  keep us apart?
Well, I don’t think so —
  I saw some grass growing through the pavements today.

The rowan, the oak and the holly tree
  are the charges left for you to groom.
Each blade of grass whispers Jack-In-The-Green.
Oh Jack, please help me through my winter’s night.
And we are the berries on the holly tree.
Oh, the mistlethrush is coming.
Jack, put out the light.

Friendship – A Reason, A Season, A Lifetime

I warn people that I am a tenacious friend.

I don’t lose touch easily because I communicate so much and so often. I’d keep most of my friends for a lifetime if it worked out that way.

One of the men I met through his personals ad back in January, asked me not to be a tenacious friend. He was leaving the country for a while and said he didn’t have the time to give to a real relationship, and that was why he was posting in the “casual” area of the list. That was really frustrating to me. But when he told me he felt “empty,” I did understand. One of the things I have learned is that the only thing that can be missing from a situation is whatever we did not give.

We had a good connection.

I’m friends with nearly every ex-lover and ex-husband I have, except the ones I knew pre-Internet. I’ve even managed to find some of those, or they’ve found me, and we’ve stayed in touch.

What triggered this particular series is that an old friend from like, 7th grade, just got in touch with me through Classmates.com  I’ve always wondered why more of us don’t get in touch and stay in touch with such a wonderful method available to us, not to mention the Internet itself. I got an email saying this man had sent me a note through Classmates.com but I would have to subscribe to see it. I’ve avoided doing that. It seems like kind of an unnecessary expense in my life, but I think his email changed my mind.

I took the free 7-day subcription, but when that expires I’m going to let them bill me for a year. Why?

Well, what did I just say?

The only thing that can be missing from a situation is what I am not giving to it. So, I’ll sign up and be available there for old friends to find me more. I’ll send more emails to more of them and see what comes back.

I was thinking about how to approach this huge subject of friendship. I discuss it often. I’m sure I’ll learn some new things as I write. I definitely can’t get it all in one blog.

I have, so far, considered Old Friends, Lost Friends, Close Friends, Ex-Lovers Who Are Now Friends and New Friends.

Circumstantial friends are what I call “acquaintances.” Those are people we interact with, even closely for a time, that we never stay in touch with after circumstances change.

High school and college create circumstantial friends. So do work environments. Even family members can actually be more like circumstantial friends, though we might go farther to be there for them in a crisis. Maybe.

Sometimes we outgrow friendships. Have you ever had a friendship that evolved because you both complained about the same thing and then one of you stopped complaining? Maybe you left the job, the relationship, or better yet, you got the job or relationship? And there was nothing to complain about, and nothing to talk about with that person anymore? I’ve got a couple of those.

I got some uncomfortable perspective on my tenacity, too, back in October when Steven pointed out that the reason a circumstantial friend of mine didn’t want to continue was because she didn’t want to be obligated to talk about things she didn’t want to talk about. Even in silence with me, or talking about other things, she could feel my interest, my desire to know how things were going. And she simply didn’t want to talk about it. Not to me, not to anybody. (there’s a blog on that.)

I think I still have some things to learn about that, but it was a real eye-opener to see how intrusive I can be under the guise of being a friend and being helpful. Embarrassing. Wrecked a bit piece of my image management.

I’ll post this as a kind of introduction and write stories later.

Love, Ann

“Friendship is one mind in two bodies.”

                                 – Menecius

Cowgirl Interlude – Prologue to LifeHouse by Spider Robinson

“The Tar Baby alarm caught them making love, or the whole emergency might never have happened.

It might seem odd that they let something as frivolous as sex distract them even momentarily from their responsibilities. They were as dedicated, motivated and committed to their work as any guardians in history, as responsible as it was possible to be. And they had, after all, been married to each other for over nine centuries at that point.

But then, theirs was – even for their kind – one of the Great Marriages. They had mutually agreed on their five hundredth anniversary that in their opinion, things were just getting really good, and as their millenial approached, both still felt the same. And perhaps even we mortals can dimly understand that any hobby which endures over such a span of time must have within it certain elements of obsession. They had long since taken into their lovemaking, as into their marriage itself, the spirit of the Biblical injunction, “Whatsoever thy hand findeth to do, do it with all thy might,” and they were good at finding things to do.

The precise timing of the alarm, moreover, was more than diabolical: it was Murphian. For several hours they had been constructing a complex and beautiful choreography of ecstacy together, a four-dimensional structure of pleasure and joy extending through space and time. A DNA double-helix would actually be a fairly accurate three-dimensional model of it. It was itself part of a larger, more complicated structure that had been under creation for nearly a week, a sort of interwoven pattern of patterns of pleasure and joy of which this particular movement was meant to be the capstone. The tocsin sounded in both their skulls just as, in the words of Jake Thackray, “They were getting to a very important bit . . . ” and for two whole seconds, both honestly mistook it for hyperbole of their imaginations. By the time they understood it was real, a necessity at once emotional, biological and artistic urged them to ignore it – just for a moment.

This, in their defense, they did not do. Their responsibility was too much a part of who they were. Orgasm may be the source of all meaning – but it needs a universe in which to mean. The instant they realized the alarm was not a shared hallucination they stopped doing what they were doing (or more precisely stopped paying attention to the fact that they were doing it), queried the Tar Baby, downloaded a detailed report of the situation, and studied it, fully prepared to leap out of bed and hit the ground running if the emergency seemed to warrant it.

It did not. Indeed, it seemed to be practically over. Only one sophont appeared to be involved – and not a sophisticated one. It carried only a single (pathetic) weapon, and no data transmission gear of any kind. The Tar Baby reported no difficulty in investing it, and was even now reprogramming it. There was another higher lifeform of some kind present, about fifty meters away from the Egg, but it did not display sentience signatures and thus could not be a significant threat. To top it all off, the whole nonevent was taking place less than two thousand meters away, a distance they could cover in seconds.

Yes, doctrine did mandate a suspenders-and-belt physical visit to the site to obtain eyeball confirmation of all data. But doctrine did not (quite) say that it absolutely had to be done this instant . . . not unless there were complicating factors present. They both double-checked, and there were not. They very nearly triple-checked. They concluded, first separately and then in rapport, that a delay of as much as fifteen minutes in the on-site follow-up inspection could not reasonably pose a serious or even a significant risk. They ran their logic past the Tar Baby, which concurred. It agreed to notify them at once if the situation were to degenerate, and to preserve all data.

This whole process had taken perhaps three seconds, a totaly of five seconds since the alarm had gone off. The weeklong work of art was still salvageable. Sighing happily, they returned to their erotic choreography, and in under ten minutes brought it to a conclusion satisfactory in every sense of the word, the brief hiatus actually improving it trivially, both as sensation and as art. They spent an additional five minutes on breath recovery and afterglow, and were just about to get up, less than fifteen minutes after the Tar Baby’s first call – when suddenly it called again.

And this time it shrieked.

They came that close to being vigilant enough. Less than fifteen minutes late on a pointless backup. Less than one minute too late.

Unfortunately, they were not playing horseshoes.

And so the whole universe very nearly ceased to have ever existed . . .”

Well, don’t ask me! And don’t just sit there! Go get the book!

Love, Ann