“You’re Not Too Much” by Leela Sinha

August 25, 2016

 

I’ve recently read, You’re Not Too Much by Leela Sinha

She writes of a model of personality that, to me, recognizes and brings together elements from other models to show a whole continuum I find very valuable every day in interacting with other people, both with finding those who resonate with me and knowing what is going on when we don’t.

Yesterday, I received instructions on how to approach some homework in a spiritual business class. We were told to take our time, digest and not rush through it just to get it done. While I can appreciate the idea that someone might get the information better more slowly, that  is not so true for me.

In Leela’s model, I am Intensive. The instructions to go slowly work well for someone who is more Expansive. You can find a graphic showing the differences here:

You’re Not Too Much Web Site

So, I wrote the teacher to offer the Intensive perspective on the instruction to take a few days to do the homework.

Here is what I said:

For me, and probably for most Intensives, if we did it that way, it would be painful and might never get done. We operate at a different speed, or pacing, than Expansives.  The information actually does get digested quicker, and yes, there will be trickles to come, but the initial stage is fast.

There is another model that is more specific that includes factors such as Pacing (Jim Carey’s fast vs. Rodney Dangerfield’s slow) and Process (the order in which we take in information – for me, Think-Feel-Act – thinking & words come quickly, I hang out in feelings.

For others, probably yourself, Feel-Think-Act where Feelings are quick and easy, one hangs out in Thinking & words come more slowly (hence, the need to take more time with homework).

This model comes from Larry Byram at Alignment Technologies. The text there is dense. The graphics are very helpful.

Intensives, as Leela Sinha writes in her book, You’re Not Too Much,  being maybe only 20 or 30% of the population, are our own minority, we tend to be marginalized.

Expansives value doing things bit-by-bit and our working world is set up to reward that in certain ways (stay 30 years at a job and get your retirement money).

Yes, Intensives get rewarded, too, but not in the day-to-day maintenance. We are valued at the faster paced or the edgy innovative beginning of a thing. After it gets going, we need someone with the Expansive skills to keep the thing going.

I considered not writing. They don’t really need all of my personal models, my understandings of myself or my information. They do just fine without it!

At the same time, the teacher of that class and his business organization are Expansive, slower Paced, and Feel-Think-Act oriented.

I was lucky to have these models on my own and able after a few months to see what was happening and stick around anyway to receive the value that is most certainly there – even if I don’t “fit in” to the Expansive business culture.

I offered this in case it might be helpful at times when we see this happening in your own world – family, business associates, friends, even on the evening news or social media. For me, it helps me to value those who are different. I know that’s something that he and his business do value.

I hope that this rings a bell with some of you. I hope it points to a useful truth.

 

Love,

Ann

I wasn’t going to share this yet

August 20, 2016

I’ve heard it said that if you think you’re enlightened, go live with your parents for a week.

Well, I’ve been living with my parents for a few weeks and I think they are right! I have hesitated to share this part of my journey until I get through it. I mean – living at home and on food stamps – at my age? But I also know that I am living in a gold mine and learning so much about how I came to be the way I am, the things I copied, took to be true and lived out – that were not mine.

So, there it is. A crash course in who I am and who I am not. People used to call me “Little Clara” because I looked so much like my mother. I tried to take on so much of who she was. Now, I can see some huge differences and many ways that this did not work for me, besides the obvious way that we cannot be someone else.

Simply fascinating!  (When I am not frustrated and finding someplace else to be.)

How did I get here?

Clarity.

Yes, I know that sounds odd. I’ve moved twice in the past 18 months or so.

First, to Santa Fe. Also, from Clarity.

I don’t like the desert. I don’t like adobe. And if green chile is the default sauce on my Mexican food – I am in the wrong state.

However, there I was, sitting in Joy’s living room about April 3 of 2015, and she was saying, “Oh, I wish I could find a compatible roommate to share a home with me in the city again. I’m tired of this long drive to work.” And in my mind arose these words, “Oh shit, I’m moving to Santa Fe.”

11 days later, I was there.

I stayed for a year. Joy was in a car wreck and I was glad to be there to support her during the beginning stages of managing that and her head injury. She supported me immensely and I helped her, too. At the end of the lease, it was time to go.

I did not know what next. I wanted to go back to Colorado – or maybe to Oregon. But nothing was clear. I did not have Clarity. So, I kept doing the things I know to do – The Work of Byron Katie, TRE (Trauma Releasing Exercise), Releasing, Flowtrition, BreathWork, etc.

It was immediately after one of the BreathWork sessions, that I sat up with the Clarity of knowing that I was moving to Fort Worth, to my mother’s. Really? Yes, really.

I sense it will be time to go soon. Feels late to me, but also early – I’ve been in Texas during the hottest months of one of the hottest years. I suppose I will be leaving just as it temperatures become bearable again.

I really hate the heat and humidity. I am homesick for Colorado. I want to go home – find a home. I also like the idea of a home on wheels, some time of traveling and being on the road. Those things take some bucks.

I tell myself and others, “I will know when I know.” It’s true. I have, so far.

I am committed to making decisions from Clarity, or, as A Course in Miracles says, “Today, I will make no decisions by myself.”

See this link for the full context of that idea:

“Today I will make no decisions by myself.”

As usual, I wish I already knew. And as usual, I know that Clarity “arises when it does, and not a moment sooner.”

*sigh*

Thank you for listening.

~ Ann

Victim No Longer?

August 16, 2016

Crap.

I’ve spent almost 2 years, more, really, feeling like a victim.

I could write BOOKS on how I’m not, but there it is again.

Since I lost the job (that I didn’t really want) 2 years ago, I have been feeling & acting like a victim. No, wait, since before that, because the reason I was leaving had to do with a certain vicious habit I had of being rather intense in over-explaining to someone who wasn’t getting it. Very condescending to people. The office manager noticed, realized that was “bad” customer service and eventually, since I didn’t know what I was doing, I wasn’t able to catch myself in the act or do anything about it.

He never told me when or how I did it, so I could not pinpoint what the hell he was talking about. It was so unconscious. But that made me a victim, yet again! Doing something wrong. Eager to change it, not really ready to leave the job – and bammo!

I just kept being vicious – unconsciously. Not that I belonged there, really, either.

Crap.

Time to pull out the tools and work on this.

Crap.

Byron Katie says, “Victims are vicious people.” Yes, I can see that I have been.

I should say, though, that “crap” is code for “Thank goodness!” I mean, if I didn’t catch this, I’d keep living that way, right? So, thank goodness!

I’ve probably done this one before. Yeah, I’ll take out the probably. Surely, around here somewhere. Okay, here goes. This is going to be embarrassing.

I am a victim.

Is it true? Gut no.

Can I absolutely know that it’s true? Couldn’t be. I’ve seen the other side and the whole of it.

How do I react when I believe this lie?

I do, in fact, get violent. I am suspicious, feel attacked. Feel unsupported, criticized. I attack others in my mind. Who? Just about everybody, really.

Can’t move forward in anything. Both undervalue myself and feel undervalued. Hold untrue perspectives of all kinds. See others as victims/attackers. They may be in their own minds. Probably are. Feel like they are watching & judging me, like I can’t do anything right. “Fail to succeed.” Notice the pun.

First time? Having to work for Daddy? Being told not to talk in class in 1st grade.

Who would I be without the thought, “I am a victim?”

Fear would drop to nearly zero. Ability to move forward would increase. I could hear my inner voice so much more. More self-sufficient, from my thinking on up. Clearer. Knowing what to do and where to go. Being more loving and helpful.

I am no victim (in spite of these bug bites right now).

  1. So sleepy… TAs tomorrow.

That is where I left it a few days ago. I really was passing out sleepy and it was late.

I am no victim.

I didn’t define a situation. There are so many. Let’s go for a zinger: I don’t have enough income and the ways I feel like a victim about that. I am just so exhausted a lot of the time. I grew up required to work for my father.  Sure, I see some gifts in that, too. This is about the stress and what didn’t work. Daddy himself does the victim thing – and he has a lot more claim to it than I do. He was abandoned by his mother to an orphanage as a small boy. Then again, Katie says she has never met a victim, and I see that, too.

With work and income as a situation, present day:

I am no victim.

  1. People give me money.
  2. I have clients, even though I could/should have more
  3. I have the ability to work on the internet and do great things with my clients.
  4. Basics, like I can walk and talk and such.
  5. Worst that can happen is a thought – and those can be questioned – like this one.

My thinking is a victim.

  1. Same as #5 above.
  2. I get stuck in victim ways of thinking for a period of time, thinking someone should have explained something to me, or I am helpless about getting more clients or what I should be doing or where I should be living.
  3. In a sense, since thinking just arises, it could be seen as a victim. Still, I see what Katie means when she says she has never met a victim.

I am a . . . hmm . . . winner, survivor, thriver, ugh – I want a better one.

I am a . . . volunteer – that’s Christine Lavin’s song. Love it, but it’s still blaming.

Victim/Volunteer by Christine Lavin

I am a . . . hero?  I like it okay. It’s too strong in some ways. Hmm.

I Need a Hero by Bonnie Tyler

Hero in Me by Jeffrey Gaines

Proofs:

  1. I’m a hero to others – clients and friends tell me this.
  2. Hero to myself?  Oh yes. I’ve gotten myself this far!
  3. I have made up to $40,000 per year.
  4. I am currently paid up to $150 for my hour.
  5. Hero, hero… hmm… I’ve forgiven Daddy *and* Mother. Stuff comes up, but I get it handled.

Hero.  Yeah, I think I’ll work with that one for a while.

Thanks for “listening!”

~ Ann

 

 

 

 

 

 

Uncomplicated by Rick Derringer

July 14, 2013

Listen on YouTube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2V4K01L3Igc

Everyone seems kinda silly to me
Running around never trying to see
Looking for help in the telephone book
Always trying to find the invisible hook
A whole lotta times, you know, I tried to find
Any way to get a little peace of mind
But then one day, quite accidentally
I came across a man, and found out it was me
And I’m

Uncomplicated… Uncomplicated
Uncomplicated… Uncomplicated

It’s as easy as that if you wanna be free
You can swim like a fish in the bottomless sea
You can keep on rocking till the day you die
And you never never even have to wonder why
Some folks slip when they’re out on the limb
They think they went too far and rush to get back in
So don’t get scared when you see yourself
Just thank the lord that you ain’t nobody else.

Uncomplicated… Uncomplicated
Uncomplicated… Uncomplicated

I like to feel the heat, but I don’t know why
It’s just as easy to live as it is to die
I feel alive when I’m playin’ that rock and roll
Don’t let nobody tell ya that you got no soul
Love me now cause we’re here alone
And I’ll love you with a fire that you’ve never known
I’ll love ya’ deep inside so everyone can see
It’s the reason I’m alive it’s the way to be free

Singin’
Uncomplicated… Uncomplicated
Uncomplicated… Uncomplicated
Uncomplicated… Uncomplicated
Uncomplicated… Uncomplicated

What is Perversion, Really?

October 30, 2012

A friend of mine from elementary school, circa 1966 – 1969 has opened a therapeutic massage business. Unfortunately, a few patrons have misunderstood this business and requested sexual favors or “happy endings,” which invoked her ire on Facebook.  She posted that she wants to install security cameras and called these men “perverts.”  While I do not condone sexual misconduct in any form, her post is not clear as to whether the men merely made a request or were in some way actively inappropriate with her massage therapists. 

After a 3 day internal debate with myself, I woke up this morning with words to share on the subject.  My friend was raised Catholic and we have had only the slightest Facebook contact and maybe one email exchange when we first reconnected.  

This is what I posted: 

My opinions on this are a bit controversial, so feel free to delete my note if you choose.  Wikipedia says, “Originating in the 1660s a pervert was originally defined as “one who has forsaken a doctrine or system regarded as true, apostate.”[3] The sense of a pervert as a sexual term was derived in 1896, and applied originally to variants of sexualities or sexual behavior rejected by the individual who used the term.”  Freud was wrong about many things, and this was largely due to the suppression and repression of what is known to be the strongest and most basic drive of human (or any) beings:  the drive to procreate.  He was a product of one of the most repressed times in Western history, the Victorian age.  But he was correct that “eros” or the life urge is strong in us.  Without openness, good information and understanding, it does become “perverted.”  Religion, specifically at that time, the Catholic church was one of the fierce forces of this sexual repression.  It was not until the 1960’s that this mistake truly began to be reversed, and we have yet to come into our own as clear, healthy sexual beings.  Until then, I feel it is our responsibility to respond with understanding and education, and yes, of course, cameras if need be until we grow up and grow out of our repressed, misguided attempts to be sexual.\

With any luck, she will hear this and leave it up.  If not, I leave it here for the time being until such time as I find the editor of my dreams and actually get any of this into print. I could expand on this a lot, but kept it brief for the purposes of posting to Facebook. 

How We Project our Lies and Expectations onto Others

March 26, 2012

I explained to my lover, Jill, last night that we each have an internal story about who we are and what we like, what we do, etc. We both have a story about the other person, as well. When we get along, it is partly because we are believing our own internal story about the other person… which is incomplete and false in many ways.
Then, when the other person does something that flies in the face of the story we are telling ourselves, “she’s getting better at … (some thing I/she wants changed)” and suddenly she does the same thing that upsets us again, we are jarred back to reality.
Jill has accused me of being unpredictable. I’m not, really. Sometimes nothing is going on that challenges her inner story about me, but when I do or say something that reminds her of the reality of me,she (or I, or both, depending) get upset because now reality isn’t matching our story or our expectations.
I didn’t say this part to her, and maybe I should connect this dot, but what we do is think the *other person* has been lying, when, in fact, it was we who were lying to ourselves *about* them. We mistakenly blame the other person, when the truth of who they are was in front of us all along. (Note: this says nothing about the content of what they are or are not being, doing or saying that upset us – the truth is that they are fine the way they are. It doesn’t matter how we want them to be different. Each of us thinks we have the “only right way,” even when we are educated and open-minded and think we know better. It is our nature. We evolved to believe we were right. See “On Being Certain” by Robert Burton.)
Can you see what I’m saying?
In fact, this is the source of all of our upsets about others. We blame them for not meeting our expectations, when, actually, we were lying to ourselves believing they would always meet our expectations, and of course, they won’t.
That’s why “no blame” works and nothing else does.
Love,
Ann

“Reality is kinder than your thinking – but only always.”

– Byron Katie, Loving What Is

Truth Is

November 10, 2011

I’m thinking of starting a new blog to accumulate thoughts and quotes and resources on truth.  I don’t know if it belongs on this one or not.

In the meantime, here is a quote:

 

“I like happiness as much as the next guy, but it’s not happiness that sends one in search of truth. It’s rabid, feverish, clawing madness to stop being a lie, regardless of price, come heaven or hell. This isn’t about higher consciousness or self-discovery or heaven on earth. This is about blood-caked swords and Buddha’s rotting head and self-immolation, and anyone who says otherwise is selling something they don’t have.”

~ Jed McKenna

 

 

 

“Only Solitaire”

September 24, 2011

Good morning,

Long time no see, as they say.

I texted my lover this morning that I finally knew at least the name of the game whose rules I do not know.

Ah, let me back up a bit.  Something I said to her in July after the Folks Fest was that I find myself playing a game whose rules I do not understand and probably would not even agree with if I knew them.  It was one of those rare moments when she said, “That landed.”

The name of the game is “Jillian’s Feelings.”  Jillian being my girlfriend.

Delving a bit further into the metaphor, I found that the main rule that few, if any of us, understand is that the game of “Another Person’s Feelings” is inevitably a game of Solitaire. When either or both players forget this, everybody loses.  There is no win if we do not recognize the basic structure of the game.

She countered that another person may make suggestions, such as “put the red seven on the black eight.”  I admit that is true.  But if the other person insists that this is how someone else’s Solitaire is played or if the person playing reacts to having been given a suggestion instead of either trying it or rejecting it based on their personal knowledge of their own personal game of Solitaire, then once again, everybody loses.

Oh, and by the way?  Whilst I am trying to play “Jillian’s Feelings,” who is playing “Ann’s Feelings?

Answer:  nobody.  Another losing game.

“Jillian’s Feelings” is based on Jillian’s Process (see Compatibility Factors under Pages), which is Think-Act-Feel.  My process is Think-Feel-Act.  Funny how three little facets of life can dictate so much about a person, about what they do, how they feel, when and whether they do any of these thinking, feeling or acting things!

For example, Jillian apparently cannot form words while in the midst of deep or scary or new feelings.  Whereas I cannot form words while in the midst of deep or scary or new actions – or painful ones, like walking at what others call a normal pace.  I have symptoms of fibromyalgia, as mentioned in previous blogs.

Forgetting this for either of us leads to upsets:

What do you mean you can’t answer the question?

Why can’t you tell me?

I wish you could walk and talk with me.

I am listening while I move and work.  Why can’t you keep talking to me?

No one can play “Someone Else’s Feelings.”  It never happens.  Ever. However, the player of “My Feelings” can mistakenly think someone else is controlling their game. This is a lie – always.

I am quite careful about the words, “always” and “never.”  I mean to say this exactly that way.

Further, I would go as far as questioning whether I am actually playing “My Feelings.”  Could it be that feelings, like thoughts, just arise?  Check.

Love,

Ann

“If it hurts, you are lying.”  Byron Katie

Negativity Schmegativity

December 3, 2010

And now, a word on “negativity.”

Of all the stupid, ignorant, misunderstood New Age thinking superstitions, this one takes the cake. And I’m going to try to explain it in English (wouldn’t matter what language), which is grounded in some of this same ignorant thinking.

Negativity is not “bad.”

Where would art, for example, be without negativity?

Oh, that’s different!

I can just hear you saying that. That doesn’t hurt anyone or isn’t (insert adjectives here, choose from: distasteful, impolite, rude, mean, angry, or choose your own).

Is it? Different?

Oh, sure, there’s a point of view from which it is all these things: bad, distasteful, impolite, rude, mean, angry, etc.

What is that point of view?

VICTIM

“Victims are violent people.” ~ Byron Katie

It’s true. Victims are always feeling attacked, therefore always on the defensive, which means they strike out at others, under the illusion that this is self-defense and they are striking back and, therefore, justified.

You know, I could write and write and write on these ideas, but without the experience of exploring our own thoughts to find out what is true, it’s all just so much air, pearls before swine, as they say. Clinging desperately to the lies that allow us to keep lying, none of it makes any sense at all.

“Defense is the first attack.” Yeah, Katie said that, too.

Lies

November 18, 2010

“You become uneasy with people in direct proportion to how many lies you have to keep track of in their presence.”

~ Spider Robinson, “Satan’s Children”

Full Story Here

I would add that you become uneasy with yourself in direct proportion to the number of lies you have to keep track of, period.

Let’s talk about what “uneasy” means.

Do you have any tension in your body?

Do you have a clenching feeling in your gut?  Or in the heart area?

Your shoulders? Neck? Back?

We all do.

This tension is largely the result of the lies we are holding. Lies are stressful and tension-producing. Yes, there may be some physical causes included, but even those I would question.

For example, let’s say you had a car wreck. Immediately after the wreck, your body may still be responding to the trauma of the impact as if it is still happening. Your posture may be tense and stooped, crouching to ward off the blow. Your breathing may be shallow. You may startle more easily than before.

Animals shake it out, let it go and relax after the trauma far more often that humans do, according to my chiropractor, Dr. Lance Wright. See Flow for his wonderful process for releasing physical tension and trauma. You can search YouTube and see some videos of his talks on the process.

These physical tensions can come from any trauma that we clench our bodies about, including incest, physical abuse, hating to go to school, and not wanting to eat your broccoli. These really add up. Most of us are carrying around more lies than one could possibly count. These lies/thoughts tense us like steel.

The wreck is over. The abuser isn’t in the room. You don’t have to go to school today. And there is no broccoli in front of you.

So why the tension?

Because somewhere in our minds we are lying.

“It’s gonna hurt.”

“I’m not safe.”

Lies also include thoughts like:

“He or should (or should not)  fill in the blank.”

Byron Katie says, “If it hurts, you are lying.”

Yeah, pretty much. Her books, Loving What Is, and I Need Your Love – Is That True? go into the details of exploring our own thoughts to find the truth.

What does Katie mean, “If it hurts?

She means emotional pain and its accompanying physical stress, tension and pain. Sure, if you cut yourself, you hurt. That’s a completely different animal. She is talking about the pain of the lies we are holding onto, clinging to for dear life, while they drain our energy and slowly kill us.

What to do?

Question your thoughts.

The Work of Byron Katie is an excellent way to do this.

How do you know when you are lying? Check your body. Say the thought to yourself or out loud and check your body. Is there any tightness, heaviness or contraction anywhere?

Yes?

You’re lying.

I have written a couple of blogs on secrecy, confidentiality and privacy. This is somewhat a continuation of those.

Have you ever known anyone who insisted on an extreme amount of privacy? Wouldn’t let you talk to their friends? Wanted all kinds of agreements about what you could and could not say to people?

I had a roommate once who had a screaming fit about my sitting down at my own desk where they had opened their laptop. Why did she do that? I found out later that she was hiding some unethical information on her computer and was afraid I would see it. I thought we had a pretty open communication until then, but her reaction was so out of proportion to the situation that I just didn’t know what to make of it. The information about what she was hiding didn’t come out until a couple of years later.

People with unusually stringent privacy needs are likely to be hiding something – and lying to you. If you question them, they will insist this isn’t true. If you talk to them about truth they may question whether there is any such thing and argue with you about what truth is, rather than coming clean.

Let’s go back to Spider Robinson’s statement at the beginning of this blog. The whole paragraph says this:

“Even those of us who pay only lip service to the truth know what it is, deep down in our hearts. And we all believe in it, and know it when we see it. Even the best rationalization can fool only the surface mind that manufactures it; there is something beneath, call it the heart or the conscience, that knows better. It tenses up like a stiff neck muscle when you lie, in proportion to the size of the lie, and if it stiffens enough it can kill you for revenge. Ask Richard Corey. Most people seem to me, in my cynical moments, to keep things stabilized at about the discomfort of a dislocated shoulder or a tooth about to abscess. They trade honesty off in small chunks for pleasure, and wonder that their lives hold so little joy. Joy is incompatible with tensed shoulders and a stiff neck. You become uneasy with people in direct proportion to how many lies you have to keep track of in their presence.”

What is the remedy for this lying?

Truth. The Whole Truth. And nothing but the truth.

Later in that story, Spider writes:

It’s the truth that’s addictive. Every one of those people came back for, like, three-four hits, and then they stopped coming by. I checked up on the ones I was in a position to. They had just simply rearranged their lives on solid principles of truth and honesty and begun to live that way all the time. They didn’t need the drug anymore. Every damn one of them thanked me. One of them fucked me, sweetly and lovingly—at my age.”

~ Spider Robinson, Satan’s Children

You want to relax? Feel good in your body? See your life work?  Your relationships work?

Do you want to feel joy?

Tell the Whole Truth Faster. That’s what Sondra Ray said in her book, Loving Relationships.

Ken Keyes put it this way in his 12 Pathways:

“I open myself genuinely to all people by being willing to fully communicate my deepest feelings, since hiding in any degree keep me stuck in my illusion of separateness from other people.”

~ Ken Keyes

I can give you quotes about the beneficial effects of truth all day long. I haven’t included a single quote from the 12 Step programs and that is all about truth-telling and the life-changing effects that has.

But quotes won’t do it.

I remind myself often:  It’s THE WORK of Byron Katie, not the “read” of Byron Katie. Reading about something isn’t what helps. Working through our own thoughts, our lies and finding what’s true works.

Love, Ann

“Truth exists.”

~ Jed McKenna

Spiritual Enlightenment: The Damndest Thing