Cowgirl Interlude: Filthy Gorgeous Things dot com

I just added this to my Links over there on the right. I want to call attention to one of the articles, which refers to one of the best passages in one of my favorite author’s books.

Kim Anami writes:

http://filthygorgeousthings.com/modern-love/how-to-make-love-stay 

In Tom Robbins’ book, Still Life with Woodpecker he asks, “Who know how to make love stay?” It’s an excellent question. He answers it:

“Love is the ultimate outlaw. It just won’t adhere to any rules. The most any of us can do is to sign on as its accomplice. Instead of vowing to honor and obey, maybe we should swear to aid and abet. That would mean that security is out of the question. The words “make” and “stay” become inappropriate. My love for you has no strings attached. I love you for free.”

She goes on to give examples from her life coaching practice.

Sometimes it has felt lonely to be kinky, poly, intellectual, philosophical, mystical and kinky like me, and then I find others who are like me in some of those ways. I even followed the link to Sigmund Fuller’s page off of this article. I clicked on “Books to Read,” and was stunned and surprised to find the first book on the list was “Stumbling on Happiness,” by Daniel Gilbert.

Realistically, other people must have read this book, but it isn’t as if I meet those people every day. Oh, maybe I do. In some of these ways. And I’m not meeting the actual people. Chances are that in person some of them are full of new age fru fru. But the articles are beautiful and sexy and thought-provoking.

Go look:

http://www.filthygorgeousthings.com

Love, Ann

My Polyamory Ran Over My Monogamy?

And even though I have given up my belief in astrology – it is unprovable – I still enjoy reading Eric Francis. So, here is what I just read:

 Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 22)
You are being called upon to give yourself totally not to any one relationship, but to every relationship. One of the big problems on our planet is that we live in a hierarchy of love. Some people are ‘more important’ than other people, and we can act in very strange ways because of this. The outcomes of this situation, however, prove the point that we really don’t know what role people have, and it’s fair to doubt that we have any discernment at all. Monday’s New Moon is calling on you to suspend all discernment and make sure that you are offering what you can to every situation you are in. I cannot tell you why, or how; I can only tell you what I am reading in the planets. You are a born humanitarian and you know it. This is not merely a dream.
 
 
I see.  I thought it was pretty odd that after more than half a decade of monogamy, partly because when I get really hooked (Venus in Scorpio, 8th house) I don’t really want anyone else, I now suddenly find myself with a lover (born 12/18) who lives with another girlfriend, supporting another of my ex-lovers (early Capricorn who nearly committed suicide 3 or 4 weeks ago) in overcoming the shock of legal charges by his girlfriend about something complely bogus  (WTF???? how dare she?)  and helping his new gf find work in this area, while a guy I slept with a few times sleeps here once in a while to be closer to his job, which is fine with my roommate who was once upon a time a lover, and I’ve offered my bf to a girlfriend who is depressed (he’d be good for her) and suggested he couch surf on the way to CA at another gf’s house in Albuquerque (she’s a Dom, I’m not) and well, you get the idea… I should stop here, to anyone but you, Eric, this sounds quite complex and crazy.  In fact, today my ex-husband wrote me to help edit a notice that his wife has a terminal disease so he can say this appropriately in a mass email, and I got a note from another ex-lover on beauty, and friended another ex’s ex on Facebook so we can both support him through the suicidal depression he has just been through.

Got all that?

Suffice it to say that my polyamory ran over my monogamy when I wasn’t looking. You’re right – no one relationship is more important than any other. Everybody seems to be very happy and flexible and open.

There is nowhere even a hint of jealousy and most of these people have read the excellent article, Jealousy & the Abyss by William Pennell Rock, at http://www.planetwaves.net/jealousy because I sent it to them – most of them nearly a decade ago.

Polyamory?  I gave it up and it showed up in spades.
 
Hmm.
 
Much love, Ann

Open Mouth, Change Feet (to be continued)

30 minutes ago, I was in my nightshirt. In bed. With the heater on. And listening to Ian Anderson’s “Orchestral Jethro Tull.”

Now? 

Oh, now I am huddlied in a corner of an Irish style pub with a cup of Earl Grey and this laptop.

Err, why?

Was it about a boy?

Nope. No boys in whom I am interested will be in attendance that I am aware of – but you never know.

Was it to hear the live Irish jam tonight?

Nope.  Listening to the recording of Ian Anderson was suiting me quite nicely, thank you.

Well, then why?  Why did you get out of bed, get dressed again and drive half an hour to the pub?

Oh, that. Well, to write.

“OHHHhhhhh, of course!” some of you are saying.  “WHAT?!” others are wondering.

Well, it’s like this. I ran through how comfortable I was and all, and then wondered whether I had anything I wanted or needed to write about tonight, and I do. It’s a blog, a first draft, but here it goes.

I don’t know what combination of effects has me this way. I don’t know if I care, but it sometimes very much gets in my way that I am this way.

What way?

Well, I have a tendency to say what’s on my mind, sometimes everything that’s on my mind, to anyone who will listen, often to email lists. Sometimes I get my hand slapped for it. Sometimes more.

So, after a round of saying a bit too much for some people’s taste on a local events list -oh, what did I say?  

Well, that I was going to one of the Ds parties and was hoping to take someone with me. That alone was probably enough to trigger a few people.  But since I didn’t want to be misunderstood, and because I was fairly sure that almost none of the 800 people on this list really knew what a Ds party was like and had never been in a dungeon, I naturally gave more details. Some were personal, about me, so that whoever might want to go would know a little about me. Some were more about the club itself – what does and does not go on there.

To her credit, the list owner, simply wrote me privately asking why I gave so much detail. I think in the end she understood.

I followed that, as long as I was educating folks, with a note that we do have a fairly active local polyamory group and they give parties and workshops at times, too. I was also clear that I am not basically polyamorous.

Oddly, that’s where someone got triggered enough to reply to the list that she felt that was “disgusting” and it brought up some painful personal memories. Fortunately, in a way, a couple of people replied that that was her business and they couldn’t see censoring me on that basis.

Hmm, come to think of it, maybe I should find a sex list to chat on. Maybe. *sigh*

The point is that I get the idea that people don’t seem to want to hear what I have to say . . .  or something. I can’t really tell. Really. I mean, I know that my interests and what I’m willing to share goes far  beyond what most people will share in public (and some don’t even discuss sex and kink in private, with their own intimate partners, more is the pity.)

What I DON”T know is what to do about it.

Not talking about it, not writing about it does not seem to be an option. I am overflowing with it.

This blog is an outlet, yes, some, but I am not one who writes well into thin air. I’ve mentioned this before. When applying to grad schools, I called the department, discussed it with someone there and then mentally called them up as my audience when I wrote my essays for my application.

Do I have to be the center of attention? 

No, not always, but I do like it.

Am I trying to shock people? 

Not really. I’ve been accused of it. Sometimes I know it seems that way.

Do I think everyone needs to hear everything I have to say?  Or everything I think?

I’m sure sometimes I think that people “need” to hear what I have to say. So far, that’s the only one that has all that much charge for me. Although I am wiling to question all of them. It’s worth seeing what’s there.

This isn’t something anyone else can do for me – not that anything is. But other people’s ideas and stories about who I am, why I write, why I speak up, are unlikely to be my own.

*** this is the version I wrote in the pub.

At this point, I realized that my Next Step would be to do the work on the ideas above and whatever I might find beneath them, and that would take at least an hour, maybe three, and there was a fine Irish jam going on in the next room with some great eye candy moving their fingers at lightening speeds across their instruments and making pretty noises.

Time to pack up and play.

I actually got to sing a few notes and the bouzouki * player made a point to play a couple of things to which he knew I knew the chorus.

I was back in my warm bed by 11:30 pm. Zzzzzz

* http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bouzouki

Sexual Desires

Sometimes people wonder where I am as far as what I look for in a relationship, or, more specifically, in a sex partner. I wrote the list below recently and decided it might be educational to post it. Besides, I am available and single again.

I want a relationship with more peace than stress, one in which both partners take full and complete responsibility for ourselves without blame, and if we find ourselves blaming, we inquire and find the truth. I want the spontaneous right action that arises when truth is engaged beyond our illusions of me/you, self/other, right/wrong.

Oh, is that all?

Anyway, here is a list I came up with when someone asked what I look for in sexual relationship:

1.  Connection – that blissful, rolling, energy-exchange that happens when two people are blissed out together and the energy moves between them. Both of us connect in that space. 
 
2.  Trust – I want my partner to so thoroughly know and trust me that we can fully relax.
 
3.  Relaxation – relaxing into the moments together. (i.e. no stress, no games, no putting on an act)  Just being there and being open.
 
4.  Love – it either can’t be defined or has too many definitions to be meaningful. These 3 less-abused words above combined would be something like it. But i still can’t describe it. 
 
5.  Commitment – a stable, monogamous (unless otherwise discussed) commitment to be wtih each other and not fly away at every little upset, but to stay and use The Work, IAM, or whatever works to investigate our *own* thoughts without blaming the other. I am pretty sure that each person taking full responsibility for themselves is the key, the core, the essence, the essential piece of the relationships I have watched that seem to work really well.
 
I know – where’s the sex? you may be wondering. Without the above, sex is just rubbing the slippery bits together.
 
6. Submission – I would love to some day be able to trust my partner’s lead, not just in bed, but in other things. To have our values and goals and lifestyles aligned so that we could easily speak for one another – but don’t because “whose business are we in if we do that?”  From this trust, flows trust in the bedroom, letting my body bend to your will whether you are spanking my ass or f*king my pussy or talking to me (dirty, sweet, whatever).
 
Yep, still not much on specific sex acts. Those aren’t the most important at all – in sex or in life.  Peace first, then let the details arise. Still, I suppose I should give you a list of that sort of thing, too. Just for fun. 
 
7.  Orgasms – yeah, that’s not exactly a sex act, either, and honestly, I don’t care how I get there. 
     Never stop at 1.  Always a minimum of 2 even for quickies.  Sometimes as many as 20.
 
There’s an exception to that, though – at times when I am totally blissed out – it’s *all* orgasm and counting is pretty meaningless, though there *are* physical peaks that go with the full-body high.
 
My name is Ann and I play for orgasms.
 
8.  Domination – a general description of many acts – getting closer.  If you have read this far, and have some perspective, I suppose I can list a few details:
 
I like to be manhandled, spanked, called names, talked to, told what to do, bent over, bent back, turned over, hair grabbed, mouth forced down on your cock or kissed.  I like being f*ed in the ass. I like being f*ed in the pussy and in the mouth.  I like being f*ed between my breasts and anywhere else you want to f*k me. Come?  Anywhere. Come on my tits, my face, in my ass, in my pussy. Just come!
 
 
Sure, I like deep and sweet, too. That is a lot harder for me to describe because it varies so much from person to person.

 9. After Care – and then I like to cuddle, be held, maybe start all over again.

Post comments if you like, and please keep it courteous!

Love, Ann

“What this world needs more of is loving:  sweaty, friendly and unashamed.”

                                     – Robert A. Heinlein
                                       To Sail Beyond The Sunset

“Those whose power is genuinely absolute are incorruptible.”

            – Spider Robinson
              In both “DeathKiller” and “Time Pressure”

Cowgirl Interlude – Quote o’ the Day – Eric Francis of PlanetWaves.net

Today’s Quote o’ the Day is from Eric Francis (linked 3 ways on the right):

http://planetwaves.net/pagetwo/

“Plenty of people say they want the truth. Usually they say so not recognizing the necessary confrontation that it takes to establish the truth, the duration of that confrontation or the personal cost involved. If we want the truth, we need to be ready to pay for it, and to hear it and to deal with it. “

                                                          – Eric Francis

This is from a man who has spent lots of time researching and writing about “Dioxin Dorms” in New Paltz, New York, a man who writes about alternative sexuality – self-oriented, believe it or not, you should see what this man does with mirrors, and a man who isn’t afraid to speak out about politics, especially lying, stealing and cheating. 

He’s a fellow A Course in Miracles student.  Eric has lived abroad, giving him more perspective than most of us will ever have.

I may not always agree with him, and I don’t ask that you do, but he is well worth reading and considering.

Love, Ann

More on Internet Dating

Internet dating is such a hit-or-miss numbers game.

I’m kind of fond of some of the sites, like OK Cupid, because I like taking tests. (Don’t bother to look for me there. I use a pseudonym.)  I’ve met a couple of fne people on Plenty of Fish, too.

But they can be such time sinks! Especially, if I find someone that looks like a “maybe.”

It’s almost like gambling. I think I’ve said this before. I get just close enough, just often enough, to keep me looking at these a couple or three times a month for a couple of days at a time. Then that potential bubble is burst, and I go back to thinking that meeting in person is really the way to go.

Internet dating has everything backwards.

You find out a ton of things about the person, dependingon their profile, or nearly nothing, not even what they look like, depending on their photos and how recent they are. You have no idea whether you will be drawn to them in person or not. And I am so verbal that I can mistake really good email and phone compatibility for more potential that really exists.

It’s a bit annoying.

That’s okay. I imagine at some point I will meet and mate and take down my profiles from all of these silly things forever – unless I don’t. I do strongly prefer to be partnered, and at the same time I’d rather have no partner than one that isn’t working out.

One thought I have is that I should just create my *own* dating site and reap some rewards that way.

Love, Ann

Truth is Erotic – The Ultimate Shampoo Method

Truth is erotic.

It is.

I just spent a whole weekend with people who were asking each other and ourselves “Is it true?” all weekend long and I’ve been turned on all weekend.

Why would anyone think otherwise? There are people who think it’s erotic to lie or to cheat.

Well, it’s that same thing of having the horse before the cart.

Step One:  We do something “naughty” or we lie or cheat or get away with something.

Step Two:  We get a feeling, generally in our solar plexus, stomach or throat.

Step Three: We misidentify that feeling. We use it as “proof” that something hurts or we mistake it for excitement or a turn-on when it is anything but.

Step Four:  We take that dirty feeling and pete and repeat.

Try interjecting a question when you get that feeling, “Is it true?” and sit with it. Notice what comes up.

Then, just for fun, go a little further, “Is it absolutely true?”  No points for no or yes. Just check.

If you find you’ve been lying, try the truth. See what you discover. Does it feel at least as good as the lie?

As always, lather, rinse, repeat.

I found so many of the people in this workshop attractive, and even more so by the end of the weekend. The more we shared the truth with each other, and got real, the more I enjoyed being with them. Some more than others, some not at all at first, but by the end of the weekend, I had about 20 new lovers in a certain sense. I loved the way each of us stepped out from behind our walls and were willing to be seen and to see.

One woman told me (now, mind you, I was wearing a simple green short-sleeved top, an ahnk, large hoop earrings and black yoga pants) told me that I seemed very medieval. She touched me. How did she see that? The next day I let it show in my dress, wearing a cream peasant blouse, a rust colored sash and peacock earrings.

I loved that. We just went freer and freer all weekend. Or deeper. Or more blissed.

On the last exercise I was laughing hysterically. I couldn’t find any separation between the three things we were comparing (with the story, without the story and beyond stories.)

I loved the sharing of it. 

Love, Ann

“No one has ever heard a word I said.”

                        – Byron Katie

 

Dating or Polyamory

Back when I was seriously dating Wolf, and we were sorting through his relationship preference for polyamory and mine for monogamy, he asked me, “Why do you say you’re just poly when you’re dating?  Aren’t polyamory and dating the same thing?”

Not to me.

Dating generally stops at least at third base, ie heavy petting, in high school terms. If I’m dating, I’ve made no committment beyond that date. When I’m dating, I’m still checking you out, not sure whether I’m staying or going until I know you better.

Polyamory implies a relationship, sex in any form, and some kind of commitment to the continuance of the relationship. It implies we know each other well enough to be planning to be around for a while.

Yes, yes, I’ve done the sex-on-the-first-date thing and no-sex-till-the-third-date thing and the let’s-wait-till-we’re-married thing (got married in 11 days once on account of that.) I can find all kinds of variations in sex and the plans or expectations of a continued relationships. At the same time, I notice that there is this phenomenon I experience that I call, “One orgasm and I want to get married.” 

Apparently, it isn’t like that for everyone.

Eric Francis just wrote this in-depth series on sex and love (www.planetwaves.net) and in the last installment he compared what astrology calls 5th house love, creativity and children and 8th house love, marriage, and transformation. One of the first questions he posed in this series was “would you rather have sex in an art studio or a bank?”

A bank!  There’s soft cushy furniture, maybe dark wood paneling and desks to bend over. Elevators can be fun, too.

An art studio, to me, is too messy, no place to sit, stand or lie down comfortably – all bar stools and hardwood – probably pine and light stained or worse – concrete! Too many colors, too little order. Yuck!

Different strokes for different folks.

I’m all for having love and creativity, of course. I just prefer it in the crucible of monogamy and the transformational awareness that I find in that.

I will date more than one person at a time, with or without sex, depending on what is there between us. But when I find a good fit, I much prefer to find the many in the one.

Love, Ann
 

Reality’s Kindness – Part II

I have so much churning and changing again.

I know some people wonder if it’s stressful to go through as much as I do. It can be. It depends on how attached I am to whatever is leaving and how welcoming I am to whatever is showing up now.

Situations themselves aren’t inherently stressful or peaceful.

It is always my thoughts about them that make the difference. As A Course in Miracles asks, “Would you rather be right or happy?” 

It’s funny how people interpret that question.  I used to date a man who was so stoic in his suffering, imagining that somehow suffering was ennobling, that he was dead certain that it was better to be right.

I haven’t blogged much these past several weeks. I’ve devoted my creative energy to Wolf.

There is a reason that the only commitment I will make or ask for is the commitment to do my best. Wolf embraced this very quickly. Like me, he has made commitments only to find that growth moves him past the place he was when he made it, and through no fault, but actually through some improvement, commitments must be changed or broken. 

I still feel married to him, and he to me, and like many of my loves, we don’t quite see living together unless it is in a group setting, and I would welcome that with him and others. I want mostly monogamy. He seems to want mostly polyamory.

Where we landed is that he can be the “middle ground” or FWB that I’ve been looking for until something better shows up. It will be a little poignant, of course, but here’s what we have discovered:

1.  Pacing really does matter.

     His Pace is  about 40. Mine is 65.

Remember, Pacing is the rate at which we take in new information. See the Page on the right about Compatibility Factors for more information.

Even if he knew everything I do about all the spiritual psychological studies I’ve been doing for 40 years, Pacing would still be an issue. It is in every conversation. I think so much faster that I don’t need (or want) him to finisih his sentences. This frustrates me and I get exhausted waiting on him, losing track of anything I wanted to share.

Conversely, he struggles to keep up with my pace, which exhausts him – not to mention that he wishes he could finish his sentences even when I know what he’s going to say (and sure, about 20% of the time, I was wrong.)

2. At our very best, defenses down, each of our visions about how we want our lives to look don’t line up.  He likes learning, but due to Pacing and having no Scholar, he doesn’t put a priority on going to classes like I do. He may wear a Hogwart’s t-shirt, but I want to live there and teach!

3.  He doesn’t want to live in the type of community I want.

    While we both see the downsides of spiritual communities and cities with health food stores on every corner, here is a man who eats fast food and drinks Cokes. He can see the benefit of healthier choices, but he wasn’t making those choices on his own before he met me

Why did I title this “Reality’s Kindness?”

Because, to be trite, the Truth sets us free.

Wolf kinda bashed me over the head twice telling me he was “breaking up,” so it took me a few days to get my bearings after each one and even think to look for Reality. I was busy trying to fit a round peg into a square hole. In my idealism, admitting where I was wrong, I was trying to show how we could work with the differences.

e would tell me what it was he couldn’t deal with, I would see that he was right, agree to make a change, make the change, and then something else would come up. Finally, after an emotional day last Thursday, I woke up Friday morning clearheaded. I realized that the Truth is that I am exhausted after just a day with him. He’s a Sage Priest. I’m a Priest Scholar. There is much we have in common.

So, finally, we were both on the same page, and able to say to each other, “What can we keep?”

In Reality, we have found quite a lot we can keep. And the stress we were both feeling has dwindled considerably. That shift was immediate. We both have that little wistful part that wishes we could bond for life. He told me that Friday morning, and I agreed.

It is so much easier, though, to let Reality rule, be and do what we can with each other. The only stress comes from trying to do something else.

Love, Ann

“You move totally away from reality when you believe there is a legitimate reason to suffer.”

                 Byron Katie
                 “Loving What Is” page 288

“To empathize does not mean to join in suffering, for that is what you must refuse to understand.” 

                  A Course in Miracles
                  Text, Chapter 16, 1st sentence

                   Page 330

I am in Love

I notice the title phrase is a spiritual pun.

I am in love. I have found the spiritual connection with a man who fits and wants to be with me. The rest is details. Some of them follow . . .

I find it highly amusing that my first date with Wolf was for tea and became dinner then dessert then conversation in the living room till midnight. He told me that he ordered dessert just to keep me talking to him. That worked. We didn’t bother eating the cake till later. We were too busy talking.

Our second date was to Steven’s group to do The Work, and our third date was to walk my favorite labyrinth in a way far to personal for blogs, then to lie on the banks of a stream talking and playing like teenagers, followed by meeting the girlfriend he lives with (who is married to someone who doesn’t live there, and I’ll stop with that), then to a Pagan baptismal ceremony that was quite chaotic in the set-up, but had a good energy in the actual ceremony. Our fourth date, although I’ve got to stop calling them that, was to Church of Brunch yesterday. (Why do I have to stop? I dunno. It’s sort of continuous, so they are not “dates” per se anymore.)

My roommate met him for 30 seconds at 11 pm in our living room last Friday night.  I told her the next day “we’ll just be friends.” She hid her amusement until I figured it out on our second date, and finally accepted it on our third date.

His Sun and Ascendant are the same as mine. Mother pointed out that with astrology so similar, we may have similar challenges that neither of us quite has the skills for. That’s okay. We’re poly and we have a lot of friends, lovers, and close community to ask for help. (I’m asking!) For the ISP tribe, he’s a feel first, disarming/pioneering Sage Artisan with a solid Inner Success worldview. As soon as I have a good photo, I’ll share it with those of you at a distance.

There is much more to tell and I am short on time to tell it this morning. I promise to elaborate within the next week.

Love, Ann