Cowgirl Interlude: Filthy Gorgeous Things dot com

I just added this to my Links over there on the right. I want to call attention to one of the articles, which refers to one of the best passages in one of my favorite author’s books.

Kim Anami writes:

http://filthygorgeousthings.com/modern-love/how-to-make-love-stay 

In Tom Robbins’ book, Still Life with Woodpecker he asks, “Who know how to make love stay?” It’s an excellent question. He answers it:

“Love is the ultimate outlaw. It just won’t adhere to any rules. The most any of us can do is to sign on as its accomplice. Instead of vowing to honor and obey, maybe we should swear to aid and abet. That would mean that security is out of the question. The words “make” and “stay” become inappropriate. My love for you has no strings attached. I love you for free.”

She goes on to give examples from her life coaching practice.

Sometimes it has felt lonely to be kinky, poly, intellectual, philosophical, mystical and kinky like me, and then I find others who are like me in some of those ways. I even followed the link to Sigmund Fuller’s page off of this article. I clicked on “Books to Read,” and was stunned and surprised to find the first book on the list was “Stumbling on Happiness,” by Daniel Gilbert.

Realistically, other people must have read this book, but it isn’t as if I meet those people every day. Oh, maybe I do. In some of these ways. And I’m not meeting the actual people. Chances are that in person some of them are full of new age fru fru. But the articles are beautiful and sexy and thought-provoking.

Go look:

http://www.filthygorgeousthings.com

Love, Ann

Sexual Desires

Sometimes people wonder where I am as far as what I look for in a relationship, or, more specifically, in a sex partner. I wrote the list below recently and decided it might be educational to post it. Besides, I am available and single again.

I want a relationship with more peace than stress, one in which both partners take full and complete responsibility for ourselves without blame, and if we find ourselves blaming, we inquire and find the truth. I want the spontaneous right action that arises when truth is engaged beyond our illusions of me/you, self/other, right/wrong.

Oh, is that all?

Anyway, here is a list I came up with when someone asked what I look for in sexual relationship:

1.  Connection – that blissful, rolling, energy-exchange that happens when two people are blissed out together and the energy moves between them. Both of us connect in that space. 
 
2.  Trust – I want my partner to so thoroughly know and trust me that we can fully relax.
 
3.  Relaxation – relaxing into the moments together. (i.e. no stress, no games, no putting on an act)  Just being there and being open.
 
4.  Love – it either can’t be defined or has too many definitions to be meaningful. These 3 less-abused words above combined would be something like it. But i still can’t describe it. 
 
5.  Commitment – a stable, monogamous (unless otherwise discussed) commitment to be wtih each other and not fly away at every little upset, but to stay and use The Work, IAM, or whatever works to investigate our *own* thoughts without blaming the other. I am pretty sure that each person taking full responsibility for themselves is the key, the core, the essence, the essential piece of the relationships I have watched that seem to work really well.
 
I know – where’s the sex? you may be wondering. Without the above, sex is just rubbing the slippery bits together.
 
6. Submission – I would love to some day be able to trust my partner’s lead, not just in bed, but in other things. To have our values and goals and lifestyles aligned so that we could easily speak for one another – but don’t because “whose business are we in if we do that?”  From this trust, flows trust in the bedroom, letting my body bend to your will whether you are spanking my ass or f*king my pussy or talking to me (dirty, sweet, whatever).
 
Yep, still not much on specific sex acts. Those aren’t the most important at all – in sex or in life.  Peace first, then let the details arise. Still, I suppose I should give you a list of that sort of thing, too. Just for fun. 
 
7.  Orgasms – yeah, that’s not exactly a sex act, either, and honestly, I don’t care how I get there. 
     Never stop at 1.  Always a minimum of 2 even for quickies.  Sometimes as many as 20.
 
There’s an exception to that, though – at times when I am totally blissed out – it’s *all* orgasm and counting is pretty meaningless, though there *are* physical peaks that go with the full-body high.
 
My name is Ann and I play for orgasms.
 
8.  Domination – a general description of many acts – getting closer.  If you have read this far, and have some perspective, I suppose I can list a few details:
 
I like to be manhandled, spanked, called names, talked to, told what to do, bent over, bent back, turned over, hair grabbed, mouth forced down on your cock or kissed.  I like being f*ed in the ass. I like being f*ed in the pussy and in the mouth.  I like being f*ed between my breasts and anywhere else you want to f*k me. Come?  Anywhere. Come on my tits, my face, in my ass, in my pussy. Just come!
 
 
Sure, I like deep and sweet, too. That is a lot harder for me to describe because it varies so much from person to person.

 9. After Care – and then I like to cuddle, be held, maybe start all over again.

Post comments if you like, and please keep it courteous!

Love, Ann

“What this world needs more of is loving:  sweaty, friendly and unashamed.”

                                     – Robert A. Heinlein
                                       To Sail Beyond The Sunset

“Those whose power is genuinely absolute are incorruptible.”

            – Spider Robinson
              In both “DeathKiller” and “Time Pressure”

Cowgirl is Twitterpated!

Yes, again.

Yes, Paul.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!!!

It’s all yes!

The rest is either drama, which can go,
or details that we can handle together.

Love, Ann

“This time it was right, it would work, and no one would have to get nailed to anything.”

            – Douglas Adams, Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

Early one mornin’ the sun was shinin’,
I was layin’ in bed
Wond’rin’ if she’d changed at all
If her hair was still red.
Her folks they said our lives together
Sure was gonna be rough
They never did like Mama’s homemade dress
Papa’s bankbook wasn’t big enough.
And I was standin’ on the side of the road
Rain fallin’ on my shoes
Heading out for the East Coast
Lord knows I’ve paid some dues gettin’ through,
Tangled up in blue.

She was married when we first met
Soon to be divorced
I helped her out of a jam, I guess,
But I used a little too much force.
We drove that car as far as we could
Abandoned it out West
Split up on a dark sad night
Both agreeing it was best.
She turned around to look at me
As I was walkin’ away
I heard her say over my shoulder,
“We’ll meet again someday on the avenue,”
Tangled up in blue.

I had a job in the great north woods
Working as a cook for a spell
But I never did like it all that much
And one day the ax just fell.
So I drifted down to New Orleans
Where I happened to be employed
Workin’ for a while on a fishin’ boat
Right outside of Delacroix.
But all the while I was alone
The past was close behind,
I seen a lot of women
But she never escaped my mind, and I just grew
Tangled up in blue.

She was workin’ in a topless place
And I stopped in for a beer,
I just kept lookin’ at the side of her face
In the spotlight so clear.
And later on as the crowd thinned out
I’s just about to do the same,
She was standing there in back of my chair
Said to me, “Don’t I know your name?”
I muttered somethin’ underneath my breath,
She studied the lines on my face.
I must admit I felt a little uneasy
When she bent down to tie the laces of my shoe,
Tangled up in blue.

She lit a burner on the stove and offered me a pipe
“I thought you’d never say hello,” she said
“You look like the silent type.”
Then she opened up a book of poems
And handed it to me
Written by an Italian poet
From the thirteenth century.
And every one of them words rang true
And glowed like burnin’ coal
Pourin’ off of every page
Like it was written in my soul from me to you,
Tangled up in blue.

I lived with them on Montague Street
In a basement down the stairs,
There was music in the cafes at night
And revolution in the air.
Then he started into dealing with slaves
And something inside of him died.
She had to sell everything she owned
And froze up inside.
And when finally the bottom fell out
I became withdrawn,
The only thing I knew how to do
Was to keep on keepin’ on like a bird that flew,
Tangled up in blue.

So now I’m goin’ back again,
I got to get to her somehow.
All the people we used to know
They’re an illusion to me now.
Some are mathematicians
Some are carpenter’s wives.
Don’t know how it all got started,
I don’t know what they’re doin’ with their lives.
But me, I’m still on the road
Headin’ for another joint
We always did feel the same,
We just saw it from a different point of view,
Tangled up in blue

It’s All Good

I got the oddest message from my ex-husband, Marvin, on that last post about “Every Time I Turn Around Something Goes.” (And Marvin, it would be a joy if you would post such things here on the blog as Comments.)

I say “odd” but I guess I should have expected it. It’s the same stuff he’s been telling me since we met in about 1985. Marvin lives in Florida with his new wife, Paula.

Here’s the note:

Healthiest mindset ever on the blog!
Can you implement & stick to it?
Or will we be reading about some terrible thing next month?
 
You are right about a game; one with specific rules to master.
I recommend Brian Tracy CDs.
I’m also sure you will find his process foreign, boring, etc. & that is exactly why you need them.
He can teach you business culture & language.
 
Love & blessings, Marvin”

Let’s look at this.

That first sentence is sweet. I know it is intended as a compliment. Just for fun, I went back and read one of my blogs about being homeless, jobless and carless, just to see if that one came across in some way that would trigger this idea that the current blog is “healthier.”

I don’t get it. Sounds really healthy to me. I am pretty sure he reads most of these.

And, on the other side, how do we know that it is quote “unhealthy” unquote to cry and sob and pound our fists on the floor? Or to have “unhappy” times? It is certainly built in to the system. Show me a single human being who doesn’t and hasn’t had these times!

I realize some people make some kind of constant joy or some imagined better future into their dreamworld gotta have it, can’t have a negative thought, oooh watch out!  There went another negative thought, gotta stop having those! Can’t get enlightened with those hanging around!

What absolute crap!

These are what we call “Statistically Impossible Goals.”

That is to say, that if anyone anywhere ever managed to achieve this imagined future bliss bunny state, they would be the first (and only) human ever to do so. Something like what?  200 BILLION humans have walked the planet and we have never read an account of a single one of them who didn’t have “negative” thoughts.

Let me just counter the Jesus Freaks and Buddhist Bunnies first.

Remember when Jesus got so pissed off he ran through the temple yelling at the moneylenders and knocking vendors wares off the table?

And Buddha – everything he did was based on the idea that he had to make up some imagined better future. Don’t tell me he sat down under the Bodhi tree and got up without his “negative” thoughts. No. It’s more that he finally stopped arguing with the reality that he was going to have those times – just like everybody else!

Okay, all of that and I’ve only covered his first sentence. Let me breeze through the others. Marvin, Beloved that he is, next wrote:

“Can you implement & stick to it?
Or will we be reading about some terrible thing next month?”

I had to reply. I mentioned the “Homeless, Jobless, Carless” post, which was mostly about gratitude and bliss. I said that if he read that and thought these things were “terrible” he missed the point.

But let’s go back to “implement and stick to it.”

Implement what, first of all? I find nothing in my blog “Every Time I Turn Around Something Goes” to indicate there is anything to “implement.” It’s rather the opposite. Thinking there is something I need to “implement” is READ MY LIPS:  STRESSFUL!!!

Steven helped me with this when we were talking about “purpose” the other day. While it is intuitively obvious to me now that any idea of a “purpose” is inherently stressful, I was a little confused about how some people try to tell me it’s peaceful. I don’t know what their experience is, so I didn’t argue, but I had to wonder.

He pointed out that many people confuse “peaceful” with the adrenaline rush of excitement.

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

God, that was a revelation. No wonder! And no wonder so many of us are so fucking confused!

I’ve done that! That’s how so many people sold me so many seminars and tapes and books before I knew the difference between peace and adrenaline! I used to get so pumped up thinking this one was going to “fix” me, the problem, my husband, etc., that I literally could not think straight. Sure, there is a temporary high at first, but nothing changes. Well, things are always changing, but it’s not a reliable method. There is no reliable method. It’s FAR more peaceful to … hmm, A Course in Miracles quote works here, “Seek not to change the world. Seek to change your mind about the world.”

I’m doing a little questioning on ACIM, too, as I noted in the last blog. It is peppered with some ideas I still think are true and am checking, but the whole thing about how bad the ego is and how we aren’t “there” yet and stuff – well, that has obviously got to go. If I get industrious, I will sit down with the Workbook and question each of the 365 lessons sometime.

Marvin was married to me back when I thought Rebirthing BreathWork and NLP (Neurolinguistic Programming) were going to not only fix me, but fix the whole rest of the world, too – just as soon as I explained it to them! His new wife was in my class. They may still believe that junk.

I’ll bet Marvin still says, “cancel, cancel” when he hears or says a quote “negative” unquote thought whatever that is. That comes from elsewhere, but along with the lie that it takes 21 days to make or break a habit (about which there is NO supporting evidence or research, NONE – see http://sashen.com/blog/59/you-give-me-21-days-and-ill-give-you-three-weeks/)  This one of the ideas I got from my NLP teacher – while all pumped up thinking she could fix me, show me how to fix myself and how to make a million dollars fixing others.

Thank God in Heaven I got over that. (Who? In where?  I don’t know that there is any such thing. It’s just an expression.)

I can’t begin to tell you how much time and energy was freed up when I started realizing, by simply questioning, that there was absolutely no truth to any of that!

Now certainly I had release and bliss and stuff happening when I did all those workshops, but it was unpredictable and unreliable – and what do intermittent rewards do?

That’s right!  They keep you coming back for more! And paying for it!

If what they are teaching was predictable, constant and reliable, people would learn it and GO AWAY AND GET ON WITH THEIR LIVES!  Oh, unless they happened to end up friends with the teacher or something, I guess.

Check into the real lives of these “teachers.”  I have had the good fortune of hanging out with someone who knows many of them personally and by extension knows people who know the story-behind-the-story on a lot of these best-selling bullshitters. Among the things I have heard there are men and women who work 80 hour weeks, never see their children, take drugs, have ex-wives or ex-husbands with very different stories about how “enlightened” they really are. And, just like everyone else, they all have money problems, relationship problems and health problems.

The health problems are a fun one. One of my favorite questions in The Work, which Steven asks sometimes is: “What if (fill in health/relationship/money problem here) was required for you to be enlightened or happy? How would you see it then?”

The funny thing is:  it seems to BE REQUIRED!

How do I know?

Show me one, just one, person who hasn’t had money/relationship/health problems. You won’t find them. I could offer to give a million dollars if you find one, and rest secure in the knowledge that it is Statisticaly Improbable (read: IMPOSSIBLE) that such a one exists.

Oh sure, we make up stories about all the gurus. But check. Really check. Really do the homework. And you will find they had just as much “misery” and just as many “terrible” things in their lives as anyone else.

Alright, where was I?

Oh yes:

“You are right about a game; one with specific rules to master.
I recommend Brian Tracey CDs.
I’m also sure you will find his process foreign, boring, etc. & that is exactly why you need them.
He can teach you business culture & language.”

First, let me tell you that while my ex-husband was never bad with money, he was constantly stressed about it and still is, as best I can tell. He was always telling me how I should and shouldn’t handle money. In fact, I happen to know that one of the most stressful things in his life last time I checked was how his current wife, who is quite well-off by any standard, how she spends money. If he could only RELAX! She’s fine. She has money to spend. HE could relax about it and . . . well, that’s his business.

I went and looked for this “Brian Tracy” web site. I had heard of him. His photo alone was enough to get me to click off that site, and fast, but I looked around. I’ve never seen such density of clickable stuff to make the site owner money in one place before. Nothing wrong with that. But clearly he has Marvin sending him money for things, too. I wrote Marvin this morning that I’d listen to one BT CD if he wanted to send one, on the condition that I could keep a barf bucket at the ready, just in case I could contain myself no longer.

So, briefly:

“specific rules to master”    STRESSFUL

“foreign, boring, etc. & that is exactly why you need them.” 

Is that how he sold them to you?  Thanks, but no thanks.

Alright. *sigh* I told Steven I wanted to read the blog about one paragraph in his blog http://sashen.com/blog/62/you-can-have-anything-you-want-not/

“I can only hope that in the end you can enjoy the truly magical thing about the universe, that it’s WAY beyond our ability to comprehend, let alone control.”

I saw the look on his face, and immediately said, “Well, I guess I could write it,” he grinned and pointed back at me in that “you got it” kind of way.

Well, this isn’t that blog. But maybe next time.

Love, Ann

Dating or Polyamory

Back when I was seriously dating Wolf, and we were sorting through his relationship preference for polyamory and mine for monogamy, he asked me, “Why do you say you’re just poly when you’re dating?  Aren’t polyamory and dating the same thing?”

Not to me.

Dating generally stops at least at third base, ie heavy petting, in high school terms. If I’m dating, I’ve made no committment beyond that date. When I’m dating, I’m still checking you out, not sure whether I’m staying or going until I know you better.

Polyamory implies a relationship, sex in any form, and some kind of commitment to the continuance of the relationship. It implies we know each other well enough to be planning to be around for a while.

Yes, yes, I’ve done the sex-on-the-first-date thing and no-sex-till-the-third-date thing and the let’s-wait-till-we’re-married thing (got married in 11 days once on account of that.) I can find all kinds of variations in sex and the plans or expectations of a continued relationships. At the same time, I notice that there is this phenomenon I experience that I call, “One orgasm and I want to get married.” 

Apparently, it isn’t like that for everyone.

Eric Francis just wrote this in-depth series on sex and love (www.planetwaves.net) and in the last installment he compared what astrology calls 5th house love, creativity and children and 8th house love, marriage, and transformation. One of the first questions he posed in this series was “would you rather have sex in an art studio or a bank?”

A bank!  There’s soft cushy furniture, maybe dark wood paneling and desks to bend over. Elevators can be fun, too.

An art studio, to me, is too messy, no place to sit, stand or lie down comfortably – all bar stools and hardwood – probably pine and light stained or worse – concrete! Too many colors, too little order. Yuck!

Different strokes for different folks.

I’m all for having love and creativity, of course. I just prefer it in the crucible of monogamy and the transformational awareness that I find in that.

I will date more than one person at a time, with or without sex, depending on what is there between us. But when I find a good fit, I much prefer to find the many in the one.

Love, Ann
 

True Friendship – A Reason, A Season or a Lifetime?

A couple of weeks after I met Wolf, he and I were discussing my faded relationship with a mutual friend, Ellen. Wolf asked some hard questions and pointed out that she really wasn’t holding up her end of the friendship. He was right. She wasn’t. I had to admit that we weren’t really being friends in a true sense of that word.

Wolf said, “A friend is someone who will go out to help you in the middle of the night in a snowstorm.”

Well, that may be his definition.

Several weeks later, as we were discussing what it means to be FWB’s (Friends With Benefits), I told him that for a couple of weeks he had been more of an acquaintance. He self-righteously told me that he most certainly would get out to help me in the middle of the night in a snowstorm. I admitted that I knew he would, but friendship for me implies some kind of consistency in our contact with each other.

Years ago in a session with author and teacher, Tama Kieves, I was bemoaning the reactions of some people I called friends to me and to my lifestyle. Tama said, “Those people are not your tribe.” Her words went deep. I thought they were my friends, but when I looked at what I was saying to Tama, and how I was relating to this group of people, I realized she was absolutely right. Sure, some of them would get out in a snowstorm in the middle of the night to help me in a crisis, but these were not the people I called when I wanted to talk through thorny emotions or difficult decisions. I would not call most of them at 2 am if I just needed a friend.

A few months ago, when Paul reappeared in my life, I thought I would write a blog on friendship. I vaguely remembered something about “a reason, a season or a lifetime.” I didn’t get around to writing about this back then, but now I’ve checked for those words and found that a Drew Chalker wrote a piece with this title.

You can find the writing that inspired the title of this blog at:

http://www.steeldog.com/reasonseasonlifetime.htm

A few days ago, Judith Gayle wrote a piece in Eric Francis’ Planet Waves (www.planetwaves.net) newsletter & site about her “Big 8” for 2008. She gave a lot of really good thoughts about living well, beginning with “Tell the truth.” She also suggested we “Buddy Up.” Get a process partner, she said.

I’d love to.

Eric mentioned that it would be good to find someone we are not emotionally involved with. That could be. I’ve tried both. I would dearly love to have a husband type process partner. I’m one of those people who doesn’t know what she thinks until she says it out loud (or blogs it, which is nearly the same thing, except it’s a monologue for the most part.)

All of this has me back to thinking about friendship.

What is a “true friend?”

Well, you know, it varies. At least for me it does.

I have friends that I haven’t seen in years, some of them, and if they walked in this door right now and sat down for tea and chat, it would be as if we had never missed a day. A more common group includes friends who show up once every few weeks for a little deep talk (or more) and then disappear again until the next inner prompting brings us together. Come to think of it, we may have one of those bell curves here. The fringes: people I haven’t seen in years, but remain close with, and people I see intimately all the time, possibly have maybe 2 to 4% of those I call friends. Probably 20% of my friends take up 80% of my friendship time and energy.

I’ve had almost-tribes, too, or tribes that were around for a reason or a season, but I have had precious few individuals and no tribes that have clicked yet for a lifetime.

I’m reminded of the U2 song, “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For.” Lyrics below, and here’s a YouTube of it:

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2fBj2wsimvQ

I know how he feels. 

I’ve been close to a tribe when I worked a few weeks in a bookstore. I find kindred spirits in classrooms. I once lived in an ashram and I still keep in touch with people from those days, including one of them I married and divorced. My mother is the best process partner I’ve had so far, and while there is still much value in that relationship, I often need someone else, someone who isn’t my mother.  The more I’ve learned and experienced, the harder it has been to find a therapist who can meet me where I live.

I have friends, good ones, all over the country, even a few in other countries. I like my own company. I enjoy the hell out of blogging, but that’s pretty much solo work except for the rare comment.  

I think I agree with the author of that catchy piece about “a reason, a season, or a lifetime.” There are different types of friendships, some more lasting than others. I am a tenacious friend. I pretty much only lose touch with a friend when there’s a reason like a shift in our reasons for being in touch or some lack of boundaries or something. Sometimes we’re not interested in the same things anymore. Sometimes there is a difference we just can’t work out at the time. 

There are people on this planet with whom I’m out of touch, for one reason or another, that if they walked in the door tomorrow (or called or wrote), and there was common ground again, I’d welcome them back to my life.

I appreciate those who can show up for a crisis, and yet I really think friendship, for me, is best with some kind of continuity of contact.

Love, Ann 

“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For”  U2

I have climbed highest mountains
I have run through the fields
Only to be with you
Only to be with you
I have run
I have crawled
I have scaled these city walls
These city walls
Only to be with you

But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for
But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for

I have kissed honey lips
Felt the healing fingertips
It burned like a fire
This burning desire

I have spoke with the tongues of angels
I have held the hand of a devil
It was warm in the night
I was cold as a stone

But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for
But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for

I believe in the Kingdom Come
When all the colors will bleed into one
Bleed into one
Well, yes I’m still running

You broke the bonds
And you loosened the chains
Carried the cross
Of all my shame
all my shame
You know I believe it

But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for
But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for
But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for

Reality’s Kindness – Part II

I have so much churning and changing again.

I know some people wonder if it’s stressful to go through as much as I do. It can be. It depends on how attached I am to whatever is leaving and how welcoming I am to whatever is showing up now.

Situations themselves aren’t inherently stressful or peaceful.

It is always my thoughts about them that make the difference. As A Course in Miracles asks, “Would you rather be right or happy?” 

It’s funny how people interpret that question.  I used to date a man who was so stoic in his suffering, imagining that somehow suffering was ennobling, that he was dead certain that it was better to be right.

I haven’t blogged much these past several weeks. I’ve devoted my creative energy to Wolf.

There is a reason that the only commitment I will make or ask for is the commitment to do my best. Wolf embraced this very quickly. Like me, he has made commitments only to find that growth moves him past the place he was when he made it, and through no fault, but actually through some improvement, commitments must be changed or broken. 

I still feel married to him, and he to me, and like many of my loves, we don’t quite see living together unless it is in a group setting, and I would welcome that with him and others. I want mostly monogamy. He seems to want mostly polyamory.

Where we landed is that he can be the “middle ground” or FWB that I’ve been looking for until something better shows up. It will be a little poignant, of course, but here’s what we have discovered:

1.  Pacing really does matter.

     His Pace is  about 40. Mine is 65.

Remember, Pacing is the rate at which we take in new information. See the Page on the right about Compatibility Factors for more information.

Even if he knew everything I do about all the spiritual psychological studies I’ve been doing for 40 years, Pacing would still be an issue. It is in every conversation. I think so much faster that I don’t need (or want) him to finisih his sentences. This frustrates me and I get exhausted waiting on him, losing track of anything I wanted to share.

Conversely, he struggles to keep up with my pace, which exhausts him – not to mention that he wishes he could finish his sentences even when I know what he’s going to say (and sure, about 20% of the time, I was wrong.)

2. At our very best, defenses down, each of our visions about how we want our lives to look don’t line up.  He likes learning, but due to Pacing and having no Scholar, he doesn’t put a priority on going to classes like I do. He may wear a Hogwart’s t-shirt, but I want to live there and teach!

3.  He doesn’t want to live in the type of community I want.

    While we both see the downsides of spiritual communities and cities with health food stores on every corner, here is a man who eats fast food and drinks Cokes. He can see the benefit of healthier choices, but he wasn’t making those choices on his own before he met me

Why did I title this “Reality’s Kindness?”

Because, to be trite, the Truth sets us free.

Wolf kinda bashed me over the head twice telling me he was “breaking up,” so it took me a few days to get my bearings after each one and even think to look for Reality. I was busy trying to fit a round peg into a square hole. In my idealism, admitting where I was wrong, I was trying to show how we could work with the differences.

e would tell me what it was he couldn’t deal with, I would see that he was right, agree to make a change, make the change, and then something else would come up. Finally, after an emotional day last Thursday, I woke up Friday morning clearheaded. I realized that the Truth is that I am exhausted after just a day with him. He’s a Sage Priest. I’m a Priest Scholar. There is much we have in common.

So, finally, we were both on the same page, and able to say to each other, “What can we keep?”

In Reality, we have found quite a lot we can keep. And the stress we were both feeling has dwindled considerably. That shift was immediate. We both have that little wistful part that wishes we could bond for life. He told me that Friday morning, and I agreed.

It is so much easier, though, to let Reality rule, be and do what we can with each other. The only stress comes from trying to do something else.

Love, Ann

“You move totally away from reality when you believe there is a legitimate reason to suffer.”

                 Byron Katie
                 “Loving What Is” page 288

“To empathize does not mean to join in suffering, for that is what you must refuse to understand.” 

                  A Course in Miracles
                  Text, Chapter 16, 1st sentence

                   Page 330

Reality IS Kinder Than My Thinking

I don’t think I will ever tire of saying that and I most certainly could not tire of knowing it.

You know that I love sharing the events and crossroads of my life with my friends. I started emailing my friends en masse like this when I moved briefly to Mississippi, with the (now married) incomparable Jake, and then I started blogging with I moved in with the Priest Formerly Known as Jared (now Sat Chitananda).
 
I know some of you don’t like reading blogs. No matter how personal I get (or how much TMI I share) some of you find this impersonal. Still, it helps me tremendously not to write 65 (yes, that’s how many people received my email) personal versions of the same stuff. 
 
Wolf called last night at 6:10 pm.
 
I had mentioned to a few people, that yes, there were a couple of things he could say that would allow us to continue our relationship. I know I’m a challenge for him – totally different in some very major ways from anyone he’s ever dated (for one thing, I don’t think any of them ever did any self improvement seminars – and me? I teach.) He’s also a challenge for me. Things I take for granted in that New Age-centric way are simply not a part of his life or experience – yet. (remember? I teach.)
 
I was not thrilled about giving up this man who is so interested in learning and sharing, who thinks maybe we can teach some stuff together, and who can connect with my heart the way he does. At the same time, Pacing is a challenge and we often interact like we were born in foreign countries – many cultures distant from one another. And we were. He was raised in Mississippi, and while I was raised in Alabama, I got mysticism from my mother and comparative relgion from a gay California youth minister in my liberal church-in-a-haystack in the middle of the Baptist Bible Belt. So while I knew of creatures like him, I hardly expected to date one! Much less to find one interested in *me* and where I’m coming from.
 
I do wish I could have a long little chat with each of you about all of this and if you comment here, I will.
 
Still, I wanted to let you know that, yes indeed, about 6 pm last night, Wolf called, and the first words out of his mouth were an apology for waiting so long to call. That was all I needed. My dear soul’s friend, Shakti, had already put a little chink in my armor Thursday night, as did my office-mate and new friend, Deirdre.
 
So I enjoyed a little meal of crow, apologized my own self for being in (pseudo) teacher-mode out of defensiveness way too much, and asked if he would be willing to teach me how to have a more balanced relationship.  Somehow, this left him speechless. He was all prepared for me to be defensive, justify my defensiveness and make arrangements to return each other’s books.
 
REALITY IS KINDER THAN OUR THINKING.
 
THANK GOD,
AMEN

Ann

Peace in our minds and in our lives is a cause-effect relationship.

Love is the Law. Love under Will.

Shampoo Series – Kabbalistic Marriage?

Good morning,

Jason Shulman, in Kabbalistic Healing, writes of the work of transformation from the perspective of briatic consciousness:

We need to think about this. We need to be brave so that we can go through to experience this God-given state of being that allows us to do the work of true transformation for ourselves and others, now seen for the first time as separate and not-separate simultaneously. We need to be able to invite Yichida, the unique, Intimate One, into our hearts and be fillwed with the glow of the undivided consciousness that God gave us to have and hold, married to it with our bodies and minds.

So began my morning.

Wolf, the man to whom I feel so married, whom I married in a labyrinth in October, and have been seeing ever since, has been incommunicado since Tuesday night. Friends and relatives are all worried about me, concerned, asking if I’m okay.

Good grief, Charlie Brown. I’m fine!

When I told Wolf, beloved that he is, that I would feel married to him even if he was in India with a harem, I meant it. This includes feeling married to him when he has not been in touch by phone, email or in person for 3 days. It didn’t suddenly change.

Shulman writes, also:

When you have a relationship with a husband or wife or partner, and both of you are completely devoted to this awareness, this holy work, then you are going to watch carefully the hologram of that relationship, and you will find that everything you need to know is there.

Yes!  So it is.

These are, in Katie’s terms, the Turn Arounds.

This is a link to Steven’s detailed instructions for Turn Arounds:

https://annojohnson.wordpress.com/turn-arounds-a-how-to-from-steven-sashen/

Here are some thoughts I have had about Wolf:

Wolf is distant.  Turn it around?  I am distant!  Well, duh.

Wolf is not speaking to me. Turn it around? I am not speaking to me.

   In what ways am I failing to communicate with myself?

Is there another turn around? (Of course, there are always several.)

I am not speaking to Wolf. 

Boy, did I find that one. At the time he hung up on me, I was not really speaking to him, I was upset and more speaking at him. 

Other stories I have been telling myself are even more interesting, just wait –

Wolf is having an identity crisis. I overwhelmed him with the Quantum Wealth worksheet on Sunday. I am a catalyst for him. Wolf could be dead or in a coma. He could be having a death and rebirth experience.

Turn Arounds include, but are most certainly not limited to:

I am having an identity crisis. I overwhelmed myself with the Quantum Wealth worksheet on Sunday. He is a catalyst for me. I could be dead or in a coma. I could be having a death and rebirth experience.

I have been up since very early this morning feeling into what these Turn Arounds mean for me. What is this situation showing me about myself? Where am I shut down or failing to communicate? Where do I think something is “too much for me?”

Death and rebirth are old friends. Is there anything to be afraid of? Well, no, and sometimes I don’t know that. If I have the thought Wolf is afraid of me, afraid of our deep connectedness and intimacy, what do I find in that Turn Around? I am afraid of Wolf, afraid of our deep connectedness and intimacy.

Well . . . duh.

I am afraid of me (Who else is there?) I am afraid of my deep connectedness and intimacy (with myself, with God).

I can find all of that.

I know Wolf and I have affected each other deeply. He is a catalyst for me, at least as much as I am for him. In sharing David Deida, A Course in Miracles, Quantum Wealth, The Work of Byron Katie, IAM Meditations, all of the things I discuss in this blog, I am re-learning it myself, re-membering it, bringing it more deeply into my awareness as I “teach best what I most need to learn.” (Sondra Ray and others)

God, I love Jason Shulman! I am blissed out after reading only a few pages of that book again.

I’ve never met the man, only his book and one of his students, who is my teacher and friend, Steven Sashen, and I feel so At One when I read Kabbalistic Healing. He says in the beginning that his book is a transmission, meant to be read over and over. God willing, I may write like that some day.

I feel deeply connected, married, to myself, and yes, to Wolf, and the world we share – even when we are not in physical contact.

I often repeat to him one of the central ideas of his Thelemic pagan practice: Do what Thou wilt is the whole of the Law.

I mean it, and so does he.

I suspect he knows that I am fine and either he will or he won’t get in touch.

Love, Ann

Peace in our minds and in our lives is a cause-effect relationship.

Edgy

Good morning,

I’ve pointed out to Wolf that he could be halfway across the globe with a harem and I’d still feel married to him.

He practices “Do what thou wilt is the whole of the law” and “Love is the law. Love under Will.”

I do, too, but have not been calling it that.

Today we acknowledged that to bring full integrity to our relationship, it is based in that, too.

He seemed intent on telling me to “Be careful what you ask for,” saying that this is a new relationship paradigm for him and he has no idea where it will lead.

I answered that this is always the case. It’s just that we’re saying it. Something about admitting we have no idea where our relationship will go, and how and when we will be “apart” or “together” whatever that means, feels true.

“Forever” is also true. It is simply that it is unlikely to ever look like we imagined it would.

Love, Ann

Question:  “Do you know how to make God laugh?”

Answer:  “Tell Him your plans.”