I am in Love

I notice the title phrase is a spiritual pun.

I am in love. I have found the spiritual connection with a man who fits and wants to be with me. The rest is details. Some of them follow . . .

I find it highly amusing that my first date with Wolf was for tea and became dinner then dessert then conversation in the living room till midnight. He told me that he ordered dessert just to keep me talking to him. That worked. We didn’t bother eating the cake till later. We were too busy talking.

Our second date was to Steven’s group to do The Work, and our third date was to walk my favorite labyrinth in a way far to personal for blogs, then to lie on the banks of a stream talking and playing like teenagers, followed by meeting the girlfriend he lives with (who is married to someone who doesn’t live there, and I’ll stop with that), then to a Pagan baptismal ceremony that was quite chaotic in the set-up, but had a good energy in the actual ceremony. Our fourth date, although I’ve got to stop calling them that, was to Church of Brunch yesterday. (Why do I have to stop? I dunno. It’s sort of continuous, so they are not “dates” per se anymore.)

My roommate met him for 30 seconds at 11 pm in our living room last Friday night.  I told her the next day “we’ll just be friends.” She hid her amusement until I figured it out on our second date, and finally accepted it on our third date.

His Sun and Ascendant are the same as mine. Mother pointed out that with astrology so similar, we may have similar challenges that neither of us quite has the skills for. That’s okay. We’re poly and we have a lot of friends, lovers, and close community to ask for help. (I’m asking!) For the ISP tribe, he’s a feel first, disarming/pioneering Sage Artisan with a solid Inner Success worldview. As soon as I have a good photo, I’ll share it with those of you at a distance.

There is much more to tell and I am short on time to tell it this morning. I promise to elaborate within the next week.

Love, Ann

A Home, A Job, A Dream – Trauma and Healing and Gratitude

Today, I could write about 5 blogs.

If you followed a Tag and didn’t find what you were looking for, please write a comment, so I know what you were looking for when you got here.

I woke up about 5 am, maybe earlier. I got out of bed about 5:30 am. This is beginning to be a lot of 5’s – a lot of change, the numerologist in me says.

One thing about living with cats is that you often remember your dreams. Why? The cat wakes you up in the middle of them. That’s why. Maybe it is  feature, not a bug.

Because there is so much, I’m will tell you what I’m going to tell you, tell you and then tell you what I told you. It’s an old formula for writing and speaking that can be very useful. While I may be no good at planning or cleaning, I am phenomenal at organizing. It helps me feel safe, so I got really good at it.

Several things play a part in today’s blog.

I’m going to tell you about home: my childhood home, the home I am working in for a temp job and the home I dream to live and work in.

I’m going to tell you about jobs. My first job was working for my father, beginning when I was about 12. This week, and maybe next, I am working in a house, donated to a mental health center and staffed by psychiatrists, counselors, nurses with office support staff to manage all the paperwork. Then there is my dream job.

I’m going to tell you my dreams, both waking and sleeping dreams. 

This is what an astrologer would call a Chiron story, a story of a wounded healer. Chiron is an asteroid only recently included in astrology.  Chiron is one of the centaurs, half human, half horse, just like my Sun, Mercury, Mars, Jupiter and Midheaven, which are all in Sagittarius – the sign of the centaur. You know the picture. We carry a bow and arrow and are known both for flinging them wildly and for hitting distant targets. I guess Centaurs have very good eyes. We see deep into people and situations. Other people call us psychic, but really, it’s just about looking rather than looking away. If you want to know more about Chiron and centaurs, check Wikipedia or read Eric Francis at www.planetwaves.net.

Back to the story . . .  

Let’s start with the dreams the cat helped me to remember this morning.

Last night before I went to sleep, I read the first 3 chapters of Peter A. Levine’s book, Healing Trauma: A Pioneering Program for Restoring the Wisdom of Your Body. I’ve known about Peter’s work for about 7 years. Some of the women I interned with during my master’s program were studying his work at a different school than mine. It sounded good to me, and I bought a copy of his book, Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma. I know I read some of it. Somewhere during the past 4 years of moving from home to home, I gave it away unfinished. Every now and then, I think I’ll try again.

The first dream the cat helped me to remember is, of course, not completely clear. I remember that someone wanted me to go out with him. It seemed like it was Michael, a former friend’s ex-husband. Okay, I remember thinking about him  yesterday. That makes some sense. I also remember being in an office building. It was kind of vacant and the time was early evening, I think. I was meeting my former roommate or at least he was there. Again, I emailed with him yesterday because he’s bringing me a bill of sale so I can register the car he so generously gave me. The last part of the dream, I was asking a chiropractor, actually, he’s the husband of a chiropractor I saw for many years. He rarely practices, but he is trained. I was asking him if I could pay his lowest price for a single adjustment. Single adjustments usually cost much more. He is a Network Chiropractor. I see a Flow Chiropractor now. But clearly the dream was about men, support and healing.

The second dream the cat helped me remember was about my childhood home. I was driving by and realized that the original red brick was back (some insensitive boob has actually painted the rich red brick, and it is now a creamy yellow – yuck). There were bushes sitting in pots ready to be planted. They were ligustrum, gardenia and something I used to call a bee bush, no idea what it really is, but the bees liked the white flowers. The old gardenias were dried and frazzled, but still alive and someone had removed them and placed them in pots. I suppose the nursery planned to bring them back to life.

Mema, my maternal grandmother, was there. She said that Mother still had the house and was refurbishing it. In the dream, I wondered what the rent would be and wondered about living there. I wondered if I could create my intentional healing community there.

I read both these dreams as stories of healing, healing trauma and sexual abuse, which is what this blog is mostly all about.

From my reading last night, here is a list from Peter Levine’s Healing Trauma.

Oh, first, let me say what trauma is.

On page 8, Levine says that after 30 years, it is still a challenge for him to define trauma. He says, “What I do know is that we become traumatized when our ability to respond to a perceived threat is in some way overwhelmed. This inability to adequately respond can impact us in obvious ways, as well as ways that are subtle.”

On page 20, Levine says, “The symptoms of trauma can be stable, that is, ever-present. They can also be unstable, meaning that they can come and go and be triggered by stress. Or they can remain hidden for decades and suddenly surface. Usually, symptoms do not occur individually, but come in groups. They often grow increasingly complex over time, becoming less and less connected with the original trauma experience.”

There are a lot of good lists in Levine’s book. It’s short and comes with a CD of guided exercises for re-visiting trauma and healing the body memories and associated symptoms. 

So, back to the lists I mentioned. You’ll find a list of “Obvious Causes of Trauma” and “Less Obvious Causes of Trauma” on pages 14 and 15. Levine suggests we pay attention to our bodies as we read these and notice any uneasiness or discomfort. I’ll let you get the book and do that.

He categorizes symptoms this way:

1. Hyperarousal
2. Constriction
3. Dissociation and denial
4. Feelings of helplessness, immobility and freezing

Now, here’s that list found on pages 18 – 20:

Symptoms: A Lengthy List 

• Hypervigilence (being “on guard” at all times)
• Intrusive imagery or flashbacks
• Extreme sensitivity to light and sound
• Hyperactivity
• Exaggerated emotional and startle responses
• Nightmares and night terrors
• Abrupt mood swings (rage reactions or temper tantrums, frequent anger, or crying)
• Shame and lack of self-worth
• Reduced ability to deal with stress (easily and frequently stressed out)
• Difficulty sleeping

Then he says some symptoms “can show up later, even years later.” He mentions that we are not meant to diagnose with these lists, just “get a feel for how trauma symptoms behave.”

• Panic attacks, anxiety and phobias
• Mental “blankness” or spaced-out feelings
• Avoidance behavior ( avoiding places, activities, movements, memories or people)
• Attraction to dangerous situations
• Addictive behaviors (overeating, drinking, smoking, etc.)
• Exaggerated or diminished sexual activity
• Amnesia and forgetfulness
• Inability to love, nurture, or bond with other individuals
• Fear of dying or having a shortened life
• Self-mutilation (severe abuse, self-inflicted cuting, etc.)
• Loss of sustaining beliefs (spiritual, religious, interpersonal)

Then he gives another list and says these “generally take longer to develop” (page 19). “In most cases, they may have been preceded by some of the earlier symptoms.”

• Excessive shyness
• Diminished emotional responses
• Inability to make commitments
• Chronic fatigue or very low physical energy
• Immune system problems and certain endocrine problems such as thyroid malfunction and environmental sensitivities
• Psychosomatic illnesses, particularly headaches, migraines, neck and back problems
• Chronic pain
• Fibromyalgia
• Asthma
• Skin disorders
• Digestive proglems (spastic colon)
• Severe premenstrual syndrome
• Depressionand feelings of impending doom
• Feelings of detachment, alienation and isolation (“living dead” feelings)
• Reduced ability to formulate plans

I imagine we have all experienced enough trauma, even mild trauma, that reading these lists make us feel a little edgy.

So, take a deep breath . . . several.

When you’re ready, continue.

There is one last symptom on page 20. Levine calls it “The Compulsion to Repeat.” It is well worth reading the story he tells there. It is an amazingly specific example.

Now, what does all of this have to do with this blog? Or with “A Home, A Job, A Dream.” I think you are beginning to see. Some of you, especially those with similar experiences to mine, see very clearly. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate the fact that you are still reading.

Trauma is a clear case of “reality is kinder than our thinking.”

Remember, it doesn’t matter if the threat is real or what is really going on. Thunder can traumatize a baby, says Levine, but there is no real danger. It is the perception that brings on these trauma symptoms. I’m not saying they are not real. Trust me, they are. I’ll get into some of my own symptoms as we go, and I’ve mentioned a lot of them in previous blogs.

But what Katie says is true, “The worst that can happen is a thought.”

Once we re-think the situation, and I feel Levine is right, we need to include the body in this re-thinking, once we re-think a situation, change our perception of it, healing happens.

A Course in Miracles  says “projection makes perception.” (Text, page 445) We project our thoughts onto people and situations, and believe this to be reality. It’s not. ACIM says we live in a dream world, not in reality. The 365 daily meditations in the workbook and the Text and Manual for Teachers are support in changing our perceptions and waking up to reality.

I call The Work of Byron Katie, A Course in Miracles in 4 questions and a Turn Around. It is much faster. I’m not necessarily saying it’s better, though. Time is a godsend when we are healing and taking a year or more to do A Course in Miracles can be very beneficial.

Steven Sashen gives a great and simple example of reality being kinder than his thinking in his Anti-Guru blog.

http://sashen.com/blog/34/rearranging-furniture-in-imaginary-houses/

Read his version. Basically, one element of his therapy for years was the idea that his parents took $42 from him as a child. The truth was much kinder than his thinking.

Steven is a great example of the Chiron archetype. After years of what you might call financial trauma, he woke up. The seminal event had more to do with relationships, and it generalized to everything. Reality was much kinder than his thinking, and he lived to tell the tale. I wish the book were out. Write and ask him for it. (steven@sashen.com)

And ask when he’s going to teach his next seminar, too. He only teaches on request.

The next seminar will hopefully be on the Instant Advanced Meditation or IAM.

http://www.advancedmeditation.com/cmd.php?af=570391

If Katie’s Work is ACIM in 4 questions and a Turn Around, Steven’s IAM is a kinder reality now. It really is instantaneous.

Again, instantaneous is not necessarily “better.” Sometimes a full Worksheet in Katie’s way is exactly what I needed. Sometimes A Course in Miracles. Sometimes IAM. 

I’ve learned a lot from Steven.

So on with my story.  

I’ve told you about last night’s dreams, which include my childhood home. Let me tell you about a job.

Right now, I’m working a temp job at a place that houses counselors, nurses and psychiatrists who see the mentally and developmentally challenged members of our community. There is also an office manager, a person who helps these clients manage their money, and a couple of other business support staff.

Maybe I work temp jobs because I was traumatized by working for my father and going down on him both at the office and at home. I always knew some day I’d grow up and be able to work some other job. But there’s that compulsion to repeat that Levine mentions. I even had sex with co-workers at my very next job, working for an attorney when I was 16 and just out of high school.

I’ve been blessed to be supported by boyfriends and husbands for several periods in my life. This has allowed me to go to school, write, teach and work towards doing something with my background that might be healing for others and continue my own healing in the process.

That’s the job I really want. Well, more truthfully, that’s the job I really have.

So, if you’re a regular reader of this blog, I’ll bet you can put some pieces together and understand how it is that I have tried many major leaps to see how they would go in my attempts to create my dream home, which is my dream job. I moved to Georgia one year to see if I could build my dream there. My dream is how I came to go to Ireland last September. It is what I dreamed of doing with Audrey’s home. It is why I jumped in feet first to see if Paul was the partner I dreamed of who would work with me and complement my talents of writing, teaching and counseling, with his talents in storytelling, sales and money management.

When something looks like the Next Step toward my dream, I take it.

A Home, A Job and A Dream – Healing Trauma

It is my dream to live in an intentional community where I work with like-minded others teaching, writing and counseling.

Maybe I’ll post the latest version of that as a Cowgirl Interlude.

I would love to find others who share that dream with me, living and working together.

In fact, let me put that as a request.

If you feel moved to live and work with others who have experienced life paths of trauma, healing trauma and sharing with others about how to heal trauma, especially the perceived threat of sexual abuse, comment on this blog. I will reply to all serious inquiries.

We need funding, a location, a business manager, an editor, a book publisher, a computer geek or three, as well as teachers, healers, counselors and writers.

So that is my story of my childhood home and jobs, my current home and jobs, and how they relate to my waking and sleeping dreams.

It’s almost time to go to the temp job, so I’ll post this and I may edit it some over the next few days.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Love and many blessings, Ann

Shampoo Series – Green Eggs and Ham Re-Pairing the Universe

(If you followed a Tag and didn’t find what you were looking for, please write a comment, so I know what you were looking for when you got here.) 

First, my mother’s wisdom on the subject:

“Ping or pong – it’s still the same game.”

Mother re-paired the universe there. So, did the little guy in Green Eggs & Ham. All he had to do was to try them. I have a friend in Texas, Kurt, who says, “Always try it twice- it might be an acquired taste.”

Ping – I know Paul and I could make a fabulous couple, enjoying life and doing things together in the world.

Pong – Marriage after 3 visits? Essentially 3 dates? Well, no wonder I balk at that. I’m willing to commit to moving in that direction, certainly.

Paul said “I feel pressured.” He also turned it around and noticed that “I am pressuring you.”

Clarity reigns.

He has been attracted to me for 35 years. I thought he was a nice guy, a good friend, but since he is like neither my father, nor my mother, I did not have the instinctive chemistry that we all have when we meet someone who is the same familiar Higher Alignment archetype as our parents.

I am extremely attracted to Paul’s conversation, goals, values and the way he opens to reality and truth in a heartbeat (especially when I challenge the Southern Baptist Conventions).

My attraction is different. Sexual attraction is learnable. I know that. I am even trained in how to create it. Might take some practice. That’s okay. Sometimes I look at him and think he’s the sexiest man I’ve ever had.

We keep doing The Work of Byron Katie together, the IAM meditations from Steven Sashen, especially Goal-Free Goal Setting, Re-Pairing Opposites and Releasing Contractions.

I’m enjoying the greatest game on Earth – two people dancing their lives together.

Your serve, Paul!

Love, Ann

5 Minutes to Deep Peace on Thursday 9/13

You will be entertained at the very least and enlightenment is an option.

http://advancedmeditation.com/cmd.php?Clk=2095310

Thursday, 9/13, there is a teleconference call where you can learn more about this. There will be sample meditations and a chance at a free gift worth $400.

http://advancedmeditation.com/cmd.php?Clk=2095310 

Trust me. You want to try this. The IAM Meditations are the product of the fertile mind of Steven Sashen who is also responsible for much of the Shampoo Method we talk about here every day.

It’s completely safe. I’d trust this guy with my life.

This feeling, this is what we have all been looking for our whole lives. It’s like coming home.

Love, Ann  

“A Wrinkle in Time” and the Tesseract

If you don’t know what either of those are about, I highly recommend you get thee to a bookstore. Buy a copy of A Wrinkle in Time by the immortal Madeleine L’Engle. Buy one for every child you know, while you are at it. Donate them to children’s libraries.

She has passed on, Madeleine, but her books, 60 of them – I had no idea – are still around to inspire all of us.

Here is the New York Times link to the article on Madeleine L’Engle on the occasion of her passing and Wikipedia has an article on her as well.

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/09/08/books/07cnd-lengle.html

Oh, and Paul?

Pong.

His epiphany was great, helped a lot, and now that is done, many of the incompatibilities remained. We’ll be friends.

Now he can go sort out how to let down the married woman in his counseling group who wants to have sex with him, the newly divorced girl with 2 children who lives in another city, the woman he once had hot sex with a couple of decades ago, the college professor and all the other “almosts” in his life.

I’m single now.

I can go on about my blog, my writing, my work and enjoying my spiritual community and home.  

It’s alright. I think both of us are as much relieved as anything else.  No regrets on either side. When you have clarity, that’s really all that matters.

Love, Ann

Ping II

Paul had a little epiphany last week.

He called and said, “I get it!  Even the “bad” parts were good” and went on to describe his experiences and insights. That understanding has deepened and continued. We’ve been on the phone for hours again. I love that.

That may be all we needed for this romantic story to move forward. Looks like we’ll be together all of next week.

He told me to send a description of a ring I liked. 

I do love him, you know.

Love, Ann

Shampoo Series – Annoying is When . . .

someone else does something that bothers you when you do it.

Seriously.

We only get upset when we have done the same thing and not liked ourselves for doing it. Or when we have that same annoying character trait.

Why?

Because you believe it of yourself.  And you don’t like it.

In other words, might you be at least as annoyed with yourself as with the other person?

Check.

What are you favorite annoyances?

Fat people?

Stupid people?

People who drive like you do?   🙂

Do you see the way out?

Relax. It’s obviously fine to be that way. You’re that way.

You might wonder whether you could be any different or do things any differently?

Well, could you?

I’ll bet if you could have you would have.

And you certainly can’t go back in time and change it now!

Isn’t that a relaxing thought?

It’s done. Nothing you can do about it.  

Which way do you think it will be easier to remember and see a different choice in the future? Peaceful or annoyed?

Peaceful, of course.

So relax.

The way not to be annoyed by others is to accept that you’re sometimes fat or dumb or you drive crazy .

And the way to do it differently in the future, is to relax.  

Many thanks and much love to Steven Sashen who taught me this much truer perspective on annoyance.

Love, Ann

Cowgirl Interlude – Thank U India – Alanis Morrissette

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A1ZVV09vTU8 

How about getting off of these antibiotics
How about stopping eating when I’m filled up
How about them transparent dangling carrots  (!)
How about that ever elusive kudo

Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

How about me not blaming you for everything
How about me enjoying the moment for once
How about how good it feels to finally forgive you
How about grieving it all one at a time

Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

The moment I let go of it was
The moment I got more than I could handle
The moment I jumped off of it was
The moment I touched down

How about no longer being masochistic
How about remembering your divinity
How about unabashedly bawling your eyes out
How about not equating death with stopping

Thank you India
Thank you providence
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you nothingness
Thank you clarity
Thank you thank you silence

yeah yeah
ahh ohhh
ahhh ho oh
ahhh ho ohhhhhh
yeaahhhh yeahh

Cowgirl Interlude – Time of Your Life (Good Riddance)

“Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life)”

Green Day

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don’t ask why
It’s not a question, but a lesson learned in time
It’s something unpredictable, but in the end it’s right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it’s worth it was worth all the while

It’s something unpredictable, but in the end it’s right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

It’s something unpredictable, but in the end it’s right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

It’s something unpredictable, but in the end it’s right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

Relationship Break Ups – A Guide to New Relationships?

One of my favorite questions to ask someone I’m considering dating is this:

Tell me about how your last few relationships broke up.

No, I’m not really interested in the story itself. What I’m interested in is what it tells me about the person telling the story.

It is amazing how much information you get about a person this way. You find out something about how they blame or take responsibility. You may find out whether they are vindictive. You may find out how considerate they are of others.

Let me spell it out for you:

If you get a story where every sentence begins “He (or she) blah blah blah” and then goes into everything he or she did wrong, well, you’ve got a lot of blame there. Are you interested in a relationship with someone who continually blames the other person? I’m not.

If you get a story all about how “I showed them. I showed up for the divorce hearing in my wedding dress.” Well, you’ve got a bitter and vindictive person, someone who can’t let go when someone else says they are done. Do you want that? I don’t.

“We went for counseling, but nothing worked.” Hmm, I’d need more information. Okay, they tried counseling. Tell me more?

You may hear how they refused to return belongings or how the other person refused to return theirs. You may hear about disagreements over children and property. Pay attention. You’re learning something about how this person handles shared property and the lives of children.

Maybe they tell you they don’t go to certain parties or clubs anymore because their ex goes there. Details may tell you they’re honoring a request for no contact for a certain period of time for healing. I wouldn’t mind that one.

Or maybe they are still in so much pain that they can’t stand to see their ex out having fun? If so, they’re still deeply in their healing process, on the rebound, as they say, and not ready for a new relationship at all.

I love the stories where they say, “Well, we didn’t live well together, but we make great friends now.” or “Our lives were going in different directions, but we still stay in touch.” or “I see him for lunch when he’s in town.”

That’s maturity. That’s responsibility. That is likely to be someone who would be able to have a good relationship, recognize when things aren’t working, and part as friends.

“We were right for each other at the time.” That’s great. They recognize that we do our best and that some things aren’t meant to be forever.

Do you know my favorite story about how someone I was dating broke up with their previous girlfriend?

“We just looked at each other and I said, ‘Are we done?’ and she said, ‘Yeah, I think we’re done.”

Beautiful! Let’s do it like that!

Love, Ann

Reject your sense of injury and the injury itself disappears.

                                              – Marcus Aurelius

Someone can hurt me. (a belief)

Is it true?

                                             – Byron Katie