A Home, A Job, A Dream – Trauma and Healing and Gratitude

Today, I could write about 5 blogs.

If you followed a Tag and didn’t find what you were looking for, please write a comment, so I know what you were looking for when you got here.

I woke up about 5 am, maybe earlier. I got out of bed about 5:30 am. This is beginning to be a lot of 5’s – a lot of change, the numerologist in me says.

One thing about living with cats is that you often remember your dreams. Why? The cat wakes you up in the middle of them. That’s why. Maybe it is  feature, not a bug.

Because there is so much, I’m will tell you what I’m going to tell you, tell you and then tell you what I told you. It’s an old formula for writing and speaking that can be very useful. While I may be no good at planning or cleaning, I am phenomenal at organizing. It helps me feel safe, so I got really good at it.

Several things play a part in today’s blog.

I’m going to tell you about home: my childhood home, the home I am working in for a temp job and the home I dream to live and work in.

I’m going to tell you about jobs. My first job was working for my father, beginning when I was about 12. This week, and maybe next, I am working in a house, donated to a mental health center and staffed by psychiatrists, counselors, nurses with office support staff to manage all the paperwork. Then there is my dream job.

I’m going to tell you my dreams, both waking and sleeping dreams. 

This is what an astrologer would call a Chiron story, a story of a wounded healer. Chiron is an asteroid only recently included in astrology.  Chiron is one of the centaurs, half human, half horse, just like my Sun, Mercury, Mars, Jupiter and Midheaven, which are all in Sagittarius – the sign of the centaur. You know the picture. We carry a bow and arrow and are known both for flinging them wildly and for hitting distant targets. I guess Centaurs have very good eyes. We see deep into people and situations. Other people call us psychic, but really, it’s just about looking rather than looking away. If you want to know more about Chiron and centaurs, check Wikipedia or read Eric Francis at www.planetwaves.net.

Back to the story . . .  

Let’s start with the dreams the cat helped me to remember this morning.

Last night before I went to sleep, I read the first 3 chapters of Peter A. Levine’s book, Healing Trauma: A Pioneering Program for Restoring the Wisdom of Your Body. I’ve known about Peter’s work for about 7 years. Some of the women I interned with during my master’s program were studying his work at a different school than mine. It sounded good to me, and I bought a copy of his book, Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma. I know I read some of it. Somewhere during the past 4 years of moving from home to home, I gave it away unfinished. Every now and then, I think I’ll try again.

The first dream the cat helped me to remember is, of course, not completely clear. I remember that someone wanted me to go out with him. It seemed like it was Michael, a former friend’s ex-husband. Okay, I remember thinking about him  yesterday. That makes some sense. I also remember being in an office building. It was kind of vacant and the time was early evening, I think. I was meeting my former roommate or at least he was there. Again, I emailed with him yesterday because he’s bringing me a bill of sale so I can register the car he so generously gave me. The last part of the dream, I was asking a chiropractor, actually, he’s the husband of a chiropractor I saw for many years. He rarely practices, but he is trained. I was asking him if I could pay his lowest price for a single adjustment. Single adjustments usually cost much more. He is a Network Chiropractor. I see a Flow Chiropractor now. But clearly the dream was about men, support and healing.

The second dream the cat helped me remember was about my childhood home. I was driving by and realized that the original red brick was back (some insensitive boob has actually painted the rich red brick, and it is now a creamy yellow – yuck). There were bushes sitting in pots ready to be planted. They were ligustrum, gardenia and something I used to call a bee bush, no idea what it really is, but the bees liked the white flowers. The old gardenias were dried and frazzled, but still alive and someone had removed them and placed them in pots. I suppose the nursery planned to bring them back to life.

Mema, my maternal grandmother, was there. She said that Mother still had the house and was refurbishing it. In the dream, I wondered what the rent would be and wondered about living there. I wondered if I could create my intentional healing community there.

I read both these dreams as stories of healing, healing trauma and sexual abuse, which is what this blog is mostly all about.

From my reading last night, here is a list from Peter Levine’s Healing Trauma.

Oh, first, let me say what trauma is.

On page 8, Levine says that after 30 years, it is still a challenge for him to define trauma. He says, “What I do know is that we become traumatized when our ability to respond to a perceived threat is in some way overwhelmed. This inability to adequately respond can impact us in obvious ways, as well as ways that are subtle.”

On page 20, Levine says, “The symptoms of trauma can be stable, that is, ever-present. They can also be unstable, meaning that they can come and go and be triggered by stress. Or they can remain hidden for decades and suddenly surface. Usually, symptoms do not occur individually, but come in groups. They often grow increasingly complex over time, becoming less and less connected with the original trauma experience.”

There are a lot of good lists in Levine’s book. It’s short and comes with a CD of guided exercises for re-visiting trauma and healing the body memories and associated symptoms. 

So, back to the lists I mentioned. You’ll find a list of “Obvious Causes of Trauma” and “Less Obvious Causes of Trauma” on pages 14 and 15. Levine suggests we pay attention to our bodies as we read these and notice any uneasiness or discomfort. I’ll let you get the book and do that.

He categorizes symptoms this way:

1. Hyperarousal
2. Constriction
3. Dissociation and denial
4. Feelings of helplessness, immobility and freezing

Now, here’s that list found on pages 18 – 20:

Symptoms: A Lengthy List 

• Hypervigilence (being “on guard” at all times)
• Intrusive imagery or flashbacks
• Extreme sensitivity to light and sound
• Hyperactivity
• Exaggerated emotional and startle responses
• Nightmares and night terrors
• Abrupt mood swings (rage reactions or temper tantrums, frequent anger, or crying)
• Shame and lack of self-worth
• Reduced ability to deal with stress (easily and frequently stressed out)
• Difficulty sleeping

Then he says some symptoms “can show up later, even years later.” He mentions that we are not meant to diagnose with these lists, just “get a feel for how trauma symptoms behave.”

• Panic attacks, anxiety and phobias
• Mental “blankness” or spaced-out feelings
• Avoidance behavior ( avoiding places, activities, movements, memories or people)
• Attraction to dangerous situations
• Addictive behaviors (overeating, drinking, smoking, etc.)
• Exaggerated or diminished sexual activity
• Amnesia and forgetfulness
• Inability to love, nurture, or bond with other individuals
• Fear of dying or having a shortened life
• Self-mutilation (severe abuse, self-inflicted cuting, etc.)
• Loss of sustaining beliefs (spiritual, religious, interpersonal)

Then he gives another list and says these “generally take longer to develop” (page 19). “In most cases, they may have been preceded by some of the earlier symptoms.”

• Excessive shyness
• Diminished emotional responses
• Inability to make commitments
• Chronic fatigue or very low physical energy
• Immune system problems and certain endocrine problems such as thyroid malfunction and environmental sensitivities
• Psychosomatic illnesses, particularly headaches, migraines, neck and back problems
• Chronic pain
• Fibromyalgia
• Asthma
• Skin disorders
• Digestive proglems (spastic colon)
• Severe premenstrual syndrome
• Depressionand feelings of impending doom
• Feelings of detachment, alienation and isolation (“living dead” feelings)
• Reduced ability to formulate plans

I imagine we have all experienced enough trauma, even mild trauma, that reading these lists make us feel a little edgy.

So, take a deep breath . . . several.

When you’re ready, continue.

There is one last symptom on page 20. Levine calls it “The Compulsion to Repeat.” It is well worth reading the story he tells there. It is an amazingly specific example.

Now, what does all of this have to do with this blog? Or with “A Home, A Job, A Dream.” I think you are beginning to see. Some of you, especially those with similar experiences to mine, see very clearly. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate the fact that you are still reading.

Trauma is a clear case of “reality is kinder than our thinking.”

Remember, it doesn’t matter if the threat is real or what is really going on. Thunder can traumatize a baby, says Levine, but there is no real danger. It is the perception that brings on these trauma symptoms. I’m not saying they are not real. Trust me, they are. I’ll get into some of my own symptoms as we go, and I’ve mentioned a lot of them in previous blogs.

But what Katie says is true, “The worst that can happen is a thought.”

Once we re-think the situation, and I feel Levine is right, we need to include the body in this re-thinking, once we re-think a situation, change our perception of it, healing happens.

A Course in Miracles  says “projection makes perception.” (Text, page 445) We project our thoughts onto people and situations, and believe this to be reality. It’s not. ACIM says we live in a dream world, not in reality. The 365 daily meditations in the workbook and the Text and Manual for Teachers are support in changing our perceptions and waking up to reality.

I call The Work of Byron Katie, A Course in Miracles in 4 questions and a Turn Around. It is much faster. I’m not necessarily saying it’s better, though. Time is a godsend when we are healing and taking a year or more to do A Course in Miracles can be very beneficial.

Steven Sashen gives a great and simple example of reality being kinder than his thinking in his Anti-Guru blog.

http://sashen.com/blog/34/rearranging-furniture-in-imaginary-houses/

Read his version. Basically, one element of his therapy for years was the idea that his parents took $42 from him as a child. The truth was much kinder than his thinking.

Steven is a great example of the Chiron archetype. After years of what you might call financial trauma, he woke up. The seminal event had more to do with relationships, and it generalized to everything. Reality was much kinder than his thinking, and he lived to tell the tale. I wish the book were out. Write and ask him for it. (steven@sashen.com)

And ask when he’s going to teach his next seminar, too. He only teaches on request.

The next seminar will hopefully be on the Instant Advanced Meditation or IAM.

http://www.advancedmeditation.com/cmd.php?af=570391

If Katie’s Work is ACIM in 4 questions and a Turn Around, Steven’s IAM is a kinder reality now. It really is instantaneous.

Again, instantaneous is not necessarily “better.” Sometimes a full Worksheet in Katie’s way is exactly what I needed. Sometimes A Course in Miracles. Sometimes IAM. 

I’ve learned a lot from Steven.

So on with my story.  

I’ve told you about last night’s dreams, which include my childhood home. Let me tell you about a job.

Right now, I’m working a temp job at a place that houses counselors, nurses and psychiatrists who see the mentally and developmentally challenged members of our community. There is also an office manager, a person who helps these clients manage their money, and a couple of other business support staff.

Maybe I work temp jobs because I was traumatized by working for my father and going down on him both at the office and at home. I always knew some day I’d grow up and be able to work some other job. But there’s that compulsion to repeat that Levine mentions. I even had sex with co-workers at my very next job, working for an attorney when I was 16 and just out of high school.

I’ve been blessed to be supported by boyfriends and husbands for several periods in my life. This has allowed me to go to school, write, teach and work towards doing something with my background that might be healing for others and continue my own healing in the process.

That’s the job I really want. Well, more truthfully, that’s the job I really have.

So, if you’re a regular reader of this blog, I’ll bet you can put some pieces together and understand how it is that I have tried many major leaps to see how they would go in my attempts to create my dream home, which is my dream job. I moved to Georgia one year to see if I could build my dream there. My dream is how I came to go to Ireland last September. It is what I dreamed of doing with Audrey’s home. It is why I jumped in feet first to see if Paul was the partner I dreamed of who would work with me and complement my talents of writing, teaching and counseling, with his talents in storytelling, sales and money management.

When something looks like the Next Step toward my dream, I take it.

A Home, A Job and A Dream – Healing Trauma

It is my dream to live in an intentional community where I work with like-minded others teaching, writing and counseling.

Maybe I’ll post the latest version of that as a Cowgirl Interlude.

I would love to find others who share that dream with me, living and working together.

In fact, let me put that as a request.

If you feel moved to live and work with others who have experienced life paths of trauma, healing trauma and sharing with others about how to heal trauma, especially the perceived threat of sexual abuse, comment on this blog. I will reply to all serious inquiries.

We need funding, a location, a business manager, an editor, a book publisher, a computer geek or three, as well as teachers, healers, counselors and writers.

So that is my story of my childhood home and jobs, my current home and jobs, and how they relate to my waking and sleeping dreams.

It’s almost time to go to the temp job, so I’ll post this and I may edit it some over the next few days.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Love and many blessings, Ann

5 Minutes to Deep Peace on Thursday 9/13

You will be entertained at the very least and enlightenment is an option.

http://advancedmeditation.com/cmd.php?Clk=2095310

Thursday, 9/13, there is a teleconference call where you can learn more about this. There will be sample meditations and a chance at a free gift worth $400.

http://advancedmeditation.com/cmd.php?Clk=2095310 

Trust me. You want to try this. The IAM Meditations are the product of the fertile mind of Steven Sashen who is also responsible for much of the Shampoo Method we talk about here every day.

It’s completely safe. I’d trust this guy with my life.

This feeling, this is what we have all been looking for our whole lives. It’s like coming home.

Love, Ann  

Ping

My Yogi Tea tab today says:

“Where there is love, there is no question.”

My friend in London sent me a gorgeous voice recording of Sonnet 116 by Shakespeare. I’ll post that as a Cowgirl Interlude soon.

Paul sent me “On the Street Where You Live” from My Fair Lady.

He is on his way to Phoenix to meet my mother and her husband?

Oh, how did that happen? Well, Mother is cleaning out some books. She had a couple of Linda Goodman’s astrology books to give away and wondered if I wanted them. I don’t, but Paul was interested in taking a look at them. Okay. Now he is on his way to Phoenix. He has business there, and he will be visiting his parents. Then he will have dinner with Mother and her husband on Thursday.

Me?

Oh Jeez. I don’t know!

It’s just the most romantic thing that’s every happened to me and I’ve had a lot of romance in my life, a lot.

I’m nervous. That’s what.

I only know one person who did a complete about-face on a relationship. Steven Sashen’s wife did that. The story is in Byron Katie’s second book,  I Need Your Love – Is That True? It wasn’t until Sashen really let go of the tension of wanting a relationship with her that things relaxed, clarity prevailed and she looked at him and thought that she could have the freedom and love she had always wanted.

Up until then, she was not interested in him.

That gave them a couple of years to become friends first. She says that made all the difference. Steven proved he’d be there, that he wanted more than a fantasy. That took some time.

And I’ve got time.

I will marry when it is simply the Next thing to do.

I will marry when there is no aching, needing, wanting, gotta have it on either side – mine or my husband’s. When marrying is the next obvious step to having the life that each of us wants. When it is not an attempt to fill some imaginary void inside, but an expression of the fullness of who I am, and who he is.

I want that decision to arise naturally and spontaneously from a place of peace and clarity.

I think you begin to understand that now if you’ve read a few of these blogs.

You also understand why, when we are “needing” and “wanting” it tells me clearly that in that moment, that this is not it.

And when we are clear and peaceful, I can see the possibility.

Now, when *I* am clear and peaceful about marrying someone – Paul or whomever – then and only then, will I say, “yes.”

Ideally, all decisions – cars, furniture, vacations – arise from that clear, peaceful, God-centered spontaneous place.

Love, Ann

“Success is a side-effect of clarity.”

                   – Steven Sashen

                    http://sashen.com/blog/

Shampoo Series – The “Threat” of Something We Want

Gentle Readers,

One of the reasons for the slow down in my daily blogging of which I was so proud this year, is that a relationship has been taking a lot of my time. Sometimes 4 to 6 hours a day, with phone calls lasting until 2 am. I have finally met a man who can out-talk and out-email me! Isn’t that a trip?

It is.

At the same time, I’m having a stress reaction to that.

http://www.advancedmeditation.com/cmd.php?af=570391

We’re both in a lot of Intensity (rather than Wisdom – see Skills Chart on the right), and Romantic Mythology (see Pretenses in the Compatibility Factors on the right), and there’s no telling whether we’ll both relax our Defenses enough to share anything.

We’ve talked about writing a book together, about what a great movie our relationship could make, etc. That’s all well and good, but I can’t live in a movie where everything is action-packed and intense and the ending is all neatly tied up in a couple of hours. That’s not reality.

So, I’ve told Paul I cannot be his girlfriend right now.

Doing so has given me some breathing space. So, of course, what happens next?

We have a wonderful hour and a half conversation this morning and I’m all atwitter with possibilities again.

Ping

Pong

Ping

Pong

Ping

Are you dizzy yet?

I know how to find that space of Spontaneous Right Action within myelf.

And as any blog you have read will tell you, I have the most attachment and intensity myself over relationships. I would love nothing more than to find a happy marriage to a man pretty much like Paul in most ways, and have some compansionship on this journey, a friend to love and work with in the world.

So, back to Work for me!

Honestly, I’ve been so blinded by his attentions and my stress and desires and aversions (ping pong) that I can hardly put down my lies on paper long enough to question them. But I have to.

Anything from “This is the man of my dreams.” to “I’m out of my ever-loving gourd.” From “This will never work.” to “I want this man.”

It’s so funny how easily I see and hear other’s thoughts and then sometimes I hold onto my own delusions like a lifeboat with a major air leak.

deep breath

I’ve been reluctant to go public with all of this, too, to write it here.

That’s usually not a good sign. It means I’m doing image management, not wanting to put out how stupid I feel I’m being. (Stupid? Is that true?) 

“I don’t know” is a hard place for most of us to hold. I’m only human.

“Mr L Prosser was, as they say, only human. In other words he was a carbon-based life form descended from an ape.

– Douglas Adams

as found at http://www.globusz.com/ebooks/Hitchhikers/00000012.htm

Thank God for whoever put the immortal Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy up on the ‘net. That is my first choice when I’m confused or depressed. That book has gotten me through more than I can ever say. Thank you, Douglas Adams, RIP.

Anyway, it’s ironic how stressful it can be to be “threatened” with something we want.

I will be posting more as life progresses.

Now, where did I put my clarity? I’m sure it’s around here somewhere.

Love, Ann

Patricia: My father says that almost the whole world is asleep. Everybody you know. Everybody you see. Everybody you talk to. He says that only a few people are awake and they live in a state of constant total amazement.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0099892/quotes

for more of the Joe vs. Volcano quotes.

Friendship – A Reason, A Season, A Lifetime

I warn people that I am a tenacious friend.

I don’t lose touch easily because I communicate so much and so often. I’d keep most of my friends for a lifetime if it worked out that way.

One of the men I met through his personals ad back in January, asked me not to be a tenacious friend. He was leaving the country for a while and said he didn’t have the time to give to a real relationship, and that was why he was posting in the “casual” area of the list. That was really frustrating to me. But when he told me he felt “empty,” I did understand. One of the things I have learned is that the only thing that can be missing from a situation is whatever we did not give.

We had a good connection.

I’m friends with nearly every ex-lover and ex-husband I have, except the ones I knew pre-Internet. I’ve even managed to find some of those, or they’ve found me, and we’ve stayed in touch.

What triggered this particular series is that an old friend from like, 7th grade, just got in touch with me through Classmates.com  I’ve always wondered why more of us don’t get in touch and stay in touch with such a wonderful method available to us, not to mention the Internet itself. I got an email saying this man had sent me a note through Classmates.com but I would have to subscribe to see it. I’ve avoided doing that. It seems like kind of an unnecessary expense in my life, but I think his email changed my mind.

I took the free 7-day subcription, but when that expires I’m going to let them bill me for a year. Why?

Well, what did I just say?

The only thing that can be missing from a situation is what I am not giving to it. So, I’ll sign up and be available there for old friends to find me more. I’ll send more emails to more of them and see what comes back.

I was thinking about how to approach this huge subject of friendship. I discuss it often. I’m sure I’ll learn some new things as I write. I definitely can’t get it all in one blog.

I have, so far, considered Old Friends, Lost Friends, Close Friends, Ex-Lovers Who Are Now Friends and New Friends.

Circumstantial friends are what I call “acquaintances.” Those are people we interact with, even closely for a time, that we never stay in touch with after circumstances change.

High school and college create circumstantial friends. So do work environments. Even family members can actually be more like circumstantial friends, though we might go farther to be there for them in a crisis. Maybe.

Sometimes we outgrow friendships. Have you ever had a friendship that evolved because you both complained about the same thing and then one of you stopped complaining? Maybe you left the job, the relationship, or better yet, you got the job or relationship? And there was nothing to complain about, and nothing to talk about with that person anymore? I’ve got a couple of those.

I got some uncomfortable perspective on my tenacity, too, back in October when Steven pointed out that the reason a circumstantial friend of mine didn’t want to continue was because she didn’t want to be obligated to talk about things she didn’t want to talk about. Even in silence with me, or talking about other things, she could feel my interest, my desire to know how things were going. And she simply didn’t want to talk about it. Not to me, not to anybody. (there’s a blog on that.)

I think I still have some things to learn about that, but it was a real eye-opener to see how intrusive I can be under the guise of being a friend and being helpful. Embarrassing. Wrecked a bit piece of my image management.

I’ll post this as a kind of introduction and write stories later.

Love, Ann

“Friendship is one mind in two bodies.”

                                 – Menecius

Shampoo Series – Aligning Sexual Preferences

My Muse asked me, “If you knew your partner liked being spanked during sex, would you do that for them, knowing it turns them on so much?”

Ah, Grasshopper, good question.

Aligning sexual preferences with another person can be very interesting!

I used to think that my fetish was fulfilling other people’s fantasies. Maybe for many years, it was. I have witnesses. I have fulfilled more fantasies than most people have ever heard of. Why? I don’t know. I’m just very willing to try most anything sexual – twice.

Why twice?

Because it might be an acquired taste.

The first question I always asked a new lover was: What is your favorite unfulfilled fantasy?

99% of the time when you ask a man that the answer is “two women.” Well, that’s easy. I am bisexual. It can be arranged. I admit it was kinda cool when I got in with a group of Ds people for whom the two women thing was fulfilled long ago. I tried everything in that arena that I was remotely interested in (see the negotiation forms in Jay Wiseman’s book, SM 101,) and some things I was not remotely interested in. Just to see.

Honestly, though, I finished that exploration stuff about 7 years ago. There is nothing at all wrong with exploring every single fantasy you have with a willing partner in a safe way. I say do it. That’s part of how Siddhartha Gautama, the Buddha, found enlightenment. He tried everything, sexual fulfillment, wealth fulfillment, he did it all. And when none of it brought the illumination he was seeking, legend has it that he sat down under a bodhi tree and found God, and was finally fulfilled. Hermann Hesse tells the story beautifully in his book, Siddhartha.

But the Buddha did not get there just by sitting and letting all his desires go unexplored, not without trying everything else first. So go for it!

Now for me, if someone tells me they want to “explore” sexuality I tell them to find someone else. I know what I like. I know what I don’t like. It takes a lot to surprise me. And I don’t like surprises. I like familiarity and comfort mostly. But most of all I want a man who connects deeply and spiritually with me through his eyes, his words and his touch. Someone whose lead I want to follow.

I used to identify as a bisexual polyamorous switch.

That means that I enjoyed sex with men and women, had open relationships with more than one partner at a time, and I had sex as both the Dominant and submissive partner.

The height of all of that was two male-to-female submissive crossdressers I dated, right in a row. Yes, men who liked dressing as women and being submissive. Well, I wanted to give men their fantasies, and it is hard for those men to find women who are interested. So, why not? I was open to it. For about 3 or 4 years, I tried.

When does doing something for your partner go against some kind of boundary of your own? When does it cause you more stress? How do you decide what to do?

Those are the details hidden in my Muse’s question above. He couldn’t see any harm in doing something your partner wants if it really turns them on. He’s Dominant in bed. Very. One of the best. But for someone else? Is there anything wrong with spanking your partner? Well, yes and no.

What if giving a spanking feels harsh, rough or simply unnatural to the person being asked to do that? Many people feel that way about spankings. Some people were spanked as children and hated it. They don’t want to make it part of their sex lives. Or maybe they just aren’t interested. Maybe they are more the submissive type.

I was cuddling with my friend, Terry, a couple of weekends ago.

He was objecting to the way women find him feminine. He said that wasn’t true. He is a man and he can prove it. I can vouch for that. All the parts are there. He has his masculine traits, definitely. But I also see why women say he is feminine.

His first alternate idea was “giver” for the stereotypical masculine role, and “taker” or maybe “receiver,” for the stereotypical feminine role. I am good with that. It’s very much like Deida’s active/receptive polarity that I love so much.

But Terry went one better. Giver and taker both have negative connotations in some ways. Terry and I both like to dance. He switched to a dance analogy and came up with “leader” and “follower.” I can go with those, too. Those terms also have some baggage, but if you’re thinking of dancing, well, you can’t both lead and you can’t both follow. You have to have one of each or it simply doesn’t work.

Polarity is true “chemistry.” But for most people, chemistry occurs when they meet someone who is the same creative energy as their opposite gender parent.

Try this: get a picture of your opposite gender parent and put it side by side with a picture of the people you’ve had long term relationships with. See if you can get a sense of whether they are energetically similar. Look beyond the physical. Do look at the eyes. That’s where you really find the Creative Energy.

Most people never get beyond finding partners who are a bit of an improvement on either their mother or father, but very much the same. People who will relate to them in the familiar ways their mother or father did. Rarely do we go for someone outside this box, and more rarely still do we go for someone who is our same Creative Energy, unless of course, one of our parents was that. That’s not chemistry. That’s not a healthy attraction of magnetic polar opposites. That’s Imprinting. If you want to know more about Imprinting, read the April 24 blog.

So what about the woman who said that her husband would never consider spanking her, even if she really wanted it? She may have had several reasons for thinking so. Here are some of the possibilities:

1.  Her husband considers spanking abusive, and even in the face of his wife’s moans of delight cannot get past the idea that he is hurting her.

2.  Her husband was spanked as a child and swore never to do that to anyone, and cannot rethink it in a sexual context.

3. Maybe her husband thinks it is weird or unnatural, repulsive even.

4.  Or maybe, her husband is not a leader. Leaders spank. Followers generally don’t. Or, put another way, Dominants spank, submissives generally don’t. It is totally contrary to their sexual preferences and sexual desires.

I came face to face with that in myself.

I am submissive, feminine, responsive, receptive and more of a follower than a leader in my romantic relationships.

I can just barely manage to do a tenuous, remotely acceptable impersonation of someone who will spank and dominate if I am told to do so. Then I’m following and I can almost do a credible job of it. Nearly. But I’m not fooling anyone. Not me, not the person who wants to be Dominated and spanked, not nobody.

It is worth noting that some people distinguish between Dominant/submissive and Top/bottom relationships. Dom/sub relationships tend toward more emotional mental, even spiritual roles. Not necessarily role playing, because I fail miserably at acting, but at fulfilling the need to take and be taken sexually. Top/bottom relationships, so I understand, are more about the physical. They aren’t needing the kinds of mental/emotional/spiritual input. They simply want to spank and be spanked (or other activities appropriate to such play).

I’m a submissive. I am not remotely a bottom. Not at all. Not interested. Doesn’t do a thing for me. I am neither a sadist nor a masochist. I am a hedonist. Well, was. I’m not sure what you would call me now. A deeply spiritual lover, maybe. Hedonism isn’t enough. I did that one with Cricket, and it quickly amounted to nothing with Russ.

For a psychological player, like myself, it ruins the whole experience to try to play at something I am not, and most of my partners have been psychological players, too. And now I can’t even “play” unless I mean it. There is something beyond the duality even of the active/receptive or leader/follower duality. There is a place where we are Love loving.

What I really desire most now is someone who wants to be intimate. Intimate in conversation, in time together, in email, in friendship, in companionship, in sharing music together, in dancing, in cuddling, in sharing meals, and yes, in sex. Deeply, spiritually, present and intimate in all areas of our lives. Someone who can be Love loving with me, who can help lead me to surrender totally, through him, but not so much to him, as to God, All That Is, that Life that lives through us.

What about Creative Energy and Imprinting?

My first husband was the same Creative Energy as my father. He was the last Sage Artisan that I know of, except for one man I had sex with once, because we were just very attracted to each other and wanted to know what it would be like. I considered that healing that I was not repulsed by my father’s type.

From then until about 2 years ago, I dated Artisan Scholars like my mother. That often happens. We switch to desiring the same gender parental archetype.

However, beginning about 2 years ago, all of the men I attracted were Artisan Priests. They are the quirkiest! I could find a Priest type of inspirational sharing with them that I enjoyed, but none of the three turned out to be more than temporary partners. I dated two Priest Artisans, as well; again, short term things where we both quickly decided this wasn’t what we wanted.

Do I think I have to have a Priest Scholar like myself? No, not necessarily. I might enjoy that, and yet I also know that I have come far enough to let another person be themselves without requiring that they be just like me. It’s still challenging, yes, but I’m ready for the challenge of deep intimacy with a man “who can fuck me straight to God,” as David Deida says in Dear Lover.

I want someone who wants to give time and energy to this, to go as deep as we can with one another. Nothing less.

And for anyone who is interested, I’m still in sexual abstinence. This is my 40th day.

After today, I don’t care one way or the other. I would love to have someone to break my abstinence with, someone capable of connecting deeply who is interested in doing that with me. I considered finding a surrogate, someone who wanted to ceremonially break my abstinence with me whether or not we became long term partners. That isn’t totally out of the question, but it may be unlikely. Or, I may wait a while longer just to see who shows up. Nature does abhor a vacuum, she wrote, grinning mischeivously. Why do you think I went into the abstinence in the first place?

I may also spend an entire day Saturday, maybe this weekend, maybe next weekend, playing by myself sexually, fantasizing about the partner who can meet me here and go to sleep dreaming of him. Then when I wake up Sunday morning (I am a Morning Person, remember? Although sex is good at any or many times of the day!) so, possibly what I may do is when I wake up Sunday morning, I will bring myself to orgasm, over and over again, invoking that energy to bring the man who desires me as much as I desire him to me.

It has worked for me twice before. Both times I got even more than what I imagined.

Cricket was amazing, but lacked the verbal and spiritual components. Russ was closer still. He is my Muse. I have written every single day since 2 days after we met. His first Love Language is words, just like mine. He has inspired more and better writing than I’ve done in my entire life. But he did not want a full time or romantic relationship of any sort. Nothing wrong with either of them. That choice is theirs to make. They are who they are. I love them both and always will. I simply wasn’t completely clear on wanting just one man to share the rest of my life with me. I was still holding back.

Let’s see how I’m doing now, shall we?

Love, Ann

“Romance can be a holy place, dedicated to the experience of Heaven on Earth.  But that can only occur if the perception of our mutual innocence is a sacred commitment.”

                    – Marianne Williamson, Enchanted Love

GO SEE FREEDOM WRITERS

Yes, I am shouting it from the rooftops!!!

It is a TRUE STORY of a teacher whose class wrote their stories. and triumphed over their circumstances. 

What circumstances?

Everything you can imagine: gang violence, rape, abuse, drugs, guns, moral questions and more.

The book is real. I cried all the way to Borders and bought 2 copies. One for me. One for Bryce. (see previous post)

If you have a child –  

If you have ever been a child –  

This movie is one of the most inspirational stories I’ve ever seen, and I specialize in inspirational stories.

www.imdb.com  for theaters and showtimes  

If you are a teacher, see www.freedomwritersfoundation.org for more information. Please, please, please see the movie.

I’d like to have a fraction of the impact with my story of healing incest that these high schoolers did with theirs, a fraction, and I’d be thrilled.

OMFG 

Blessings, Ann

5 Years and 40 Pounds Ago

I’ve noticed over the years that I feel safest when I am in a relationship.

I moved out of my father’s house a few days after I turned 17. In May of 75, I told my mother about the incest. The first words out of her mouth were, “How can I support you?” I told her, “Let me move out.” She and Daddy had just bought a house as rental property. I rented it. For $150 a month.

Of course, since Daddy owned it, I imagine he had a key. Back then I did not feel safe. I don’t know if I’ll ever feel completely *comfortable* around Daddy, but nowadays I do feel safe. But back then I was nowhere near where I am now, 30 years later. So, of course, I invited my then-boyfriend, Harold, to move in with me. He did. We eventually did marriage papers at the courthouse. No wedding, nothing particularly romantic. I just needed to not be alone in that house at that time.

In high school, I chased boys. I mean that literally as well as figuratively. I would follow a certain 3 boys around the school. They were often together and I thought all of them were cute and any of them would do for a husband. I did not know at the time that this was my teenage unconscious way to find safety: find a husband. My mother did the same thing. She had 2 marriages annulled before she even graduated from high school.

Mine wasn’t annulled, and I was already living alone at 17. So I did the 70’s thing and lived with him. We divorced after about 2 and a half years and I ran off to Birmingham with a couple I had met while managing a Dairy Queen. She came to work for me. Having no boundaries at the time, and living on a starry-eyed idealism gained partly from reading things like “Stranger in a Strange Land” by Robert A. Heinlein, I went off to Birmingham with this couple thinking it would be grand. It wasn’t.

I moved out of their place. Met a sweet boy whom I dated for a few months, then while visiting my mother in Richmond, met another fellow, fell in with him, and ran off to Richmond to live with and marry the new guy, Marlon. My Moon is conjunct Uranus, it gives me a propensity toward fast emotional changes. Who was that masked woman?

Again, about 2 and a half years later, I was leaving Marlon. For a woman. Oh, how she seemed to understand me. And she does to this day. No, we are not together. I left her after 2 and a half years, also. She is an alcoholic. We were in touch a bit last year. I think she wanted to move to where I was for some safety and a change. Her husband, 20 years her senior, had just died and she was looking for an anchor. She thought of me. No surprise. I have kept up with her just to see if she’s still alive and how she’s doing. That was Mary.

Do any of these people sound “safe?”

Not really, huh? And you don’t know the half of it. All you have here is a paragraph or two. My sense of safety did not develop until *after* I left Mary.

I was taking cooking classes. My teacher was gay. I could just tell. I stayed after class often to talk with her. I told her about Mary’s drinking, her violence. The teacher, I can’t think of her name right now, it’s on the tip of my tongue, suggested I go to a counseling center that was in a gay area of town and mostly had gay and lesbian clients. I did.

That was one of the best things I ever did for myself. Changed my whole life. I met a counselor there, Mallory. She was excellent. A Pisces, as I recall. She had just gotten into something called Rebirthing Breathwork. She invited me to a group. I went.

The first couple of times I did the breathwork, with a group for about an hour, I felt good afterwards, but nothing specific. However, and this is how I described it at the time, I noticed that sometimes I would turn a mental corner and where there used to be a wall, there was now open space. I don’t know another way to describe it. Little bits of freedom were opening up in my own mind.

I kept going to groups, did many private sessions and trained to become a breathwork coach myself. Love it. Love it to this day. Whenever I am really stressed, I breathe for an hour, often in the bathtub at least once a week. When Sean and I broke up, I did it every day for several weeks. I’ll get to that in a minute.

So, let’s see, after Mary and I broke up, I spent the next 5 years sort of alone. At least I didn’t marry or live with the next lover or 6. I definitely dated, had sex, and enjoyed the company of several wonderful people. Some of them are still good friends. I don’t think I would ever be lovers with anyone from that period again. Brent is a sweetheart, but jaded. I will love Jay forever, but we know better than to get involved. That’s okay. They are both good friends… over there.

In 1985, just after I broke up with Mary, I met Marvin. We were both studying meditation in the same ashram where he lived. I met him and Terry the same night. I really wanted to sleep with Terry, as I recall. Marvin, Terry and I all stayed up after meditation class one night, talking and such. At some point, Marvin told me that his girlfriend had just broken up with him and he “wanted to work with female energy.” Would I like to come up to his room?

I would and I did. We had sex that night. It was optional. He wasn’t really looking for sex, but I was. Back then I still thought that was the way to be accepted by a man, maybe get married. I was still on autopilot.

A couple of days later, Marvin called. His girlfriend wanted to try again. So they got back together. He apologized profusely, told me he had not expected this, and did not mean to lead me on. But I understood and I did not have any particular attachment to him after just one night.

His girlfriend continued to leave him every 6 months for the next 5 years. We remained friends, continued to study the same meditation together. I had a crush on Terry that whole time. I eventually moved into the ashram with them. We all hung out, cooked together, ate together. No we didn’t sleep together, Terry and I, not then. He was always dating someone else. You know, come to think of it, my friendship with Terry is probably what I thought gave me safety then, while I dated other men through that time period. I had never noticed that before.

5 years after I met Marvin, his girlfriend left him again, this was the last time. Marvin and I ran into each other at the grocery. Bells chimed. The heavens parted. We suddenly wanted to be together again. He asked me out. He told me he was going to be out of town for a few days, and would I like to go see some fireworks on the 4th of July? I said yes and didn’t hear from him till he got back.

When he got back, he explained that he had been to visit his girlfriend to be sure the relationship was really over this time. He slept on the couch.

We had the most incredible evening together. I’ll write that up as another story sometime because it’s a long and beautiful one. Suffice it to say we got married 11 days later.

We were married for 7 years. We both knew it wasn’t working very quickly. However, when I reached my usualy 2 and a half year breaking point, I was resolved to go beyond it. I said, “God led me into this relationship.” What I didn’t know was that I might be led out of it.

Finally, in 1996, I was at the chiropractor’s. I got up off the table and told my doctor, “I have to get a divorce.” He said, “I know.”

In that 7 years, I went from 124 pounds to 210 or maybe more. I refused to weigh myself. While he had the most loving of intent and was certainly doing his best spiritually, Marvin was not a place of safety for me, as I had hoped. Well, he couldn’t be. I didn’t have a place of safety within myself back then.

After the divorce, I lost 60 pounds or so in the next year or two. Then I moved out of the state and gained it all back. I didn’t feel safe and I figured that having just uprooted myself from my home state of 37 years, it was not the time to be worrying about my weight. Maybe I was right. I’d take out the “maybe.”

It’s been 10 years since Marvin and I divorced. Back in January, I called him (We stay in touch. I get emails from him a few times a month.) I said, “Marvin, I think that finally, after 10 years, I could finally get married again if it seems right.” I laugh about that now. He’d been with his current girlfriend almost since we divorced, about 9 years. Within a couple of months he sent me their wedding pictures. Polly has wanted him to marry her since the beginning, but he had declined, saying that if 3 marriages didn’t work, he wanted to try something else and just live together.

But this is not his story. This is the story of a book, a totally remarkable book. Oh never mind.

So, what have I been doing these past 10 years? Well, right after I moved out of my home state of Alabama, I had a phone relationship for 6 years with a man back home. I’ve lived with one man in a polyamorous relationship, dated a man I was sure I would at least live with, dated a woman again for 6 months, then dated and lived with another man for most of a year.

It’s that “sure I would live with” that I want to mention most right now. When Sean broke up with me, it was a complete shock, totally out of the blue and unexpected. Remember Sean? Scroll back. I did breathwork every day for weeks trying to regain my balance. It took 2 relationships to get over him. I told Larissa when we got together that I felt we only had 6 months together. She agreed. When Cuthbert and I met, I told him I was using him to get over a previous relationship. He had just broken up with someone he had wanted to marry, so we agreed to go through our rebounds together. Yes, there are stories there in all of those, and I will get to them.

I realize that this has been a lot of history stuff. It’s a framework for how I became so grateful for my life. I supose once I get this out, some of the wheat will separate from the chaff in my writings, we’ll see.

Sean broke up with me over what floor of a building I was on.

Yeah, really.

Let’s not go there now, but it was completely unexpected. I had come down to his office for lunch. We planned to talk about moving in together. Instead, he blew up. I’d never seen him do that in the year we’d been dating. I’d seen him in some very precarious emotional states, but never anger and never directed at me at all. It was a cold anger, really. He was containing himself, but that was almost worse.

I left the building, figuring he would get over it. He didn’t. We broke up.

That was 5 years ago.

I had been steadily losing weight for a couple or three years before I met Sean. My partners had been supportive and not at all judgmental of how much I weighed. Sean always reminde me he lost his virginity with a larger woman and he liked that.

With Sean I felt totally safe. Why? Well maybe because in contrast to him, I was. He has a lot of what he calls “social anxiety.” It borders on agoraphobia.

Be that as it may, I got back down to about 135 during the year we dated. I felt really good about that. When we broke up, I figured I’d gain maybe 10 pounds and that would be okay. Then I would get a hold of myself and start back down again.

Well, that was 5 years and 40 pounds ago.

At New Year’s I decided that I’ve had enough. This is way beyond my own tolerance for extra weight. I’m determined to find enough safety in myself to let go again. And, of course, as usual, as I do, I am likely to meet someone who can meet me spiritually, romantically and maybe this time I’ll even find someone whose life is going in the same direction mine is.

Just please, Lord, don’t let me think that they are the source of my safety. I know better. An addiction is anything we habitually and compulsively try to substitute for God in our lives. Let me let go and let God.

“May everything I write be something beautiful for God,” Sondra says. She’s also the author of “The Only Diet There Is” and some other good books.