2004 Revisted?

Wow.

I’m living yet a new dimension of “many happy returns.”

That’s what a birthday is, a “solar return,” and technically, my birthday isn’t until February, but the season has begun. My longtime friend for over 2 decades, Drew, has moved back in with me. My ex-lover from 2004 , Cricket, has moved in for a while. AND my cat, Sphere, is back for a Christmas visit that may become permanent.

So, everyone is home except Storm, Sphere’s son, who died last year.

It’s warm and wonderful and the best Christmas present a girl could ever want. Well, there’s one other thing, but hey.

That’s perfectly okay!
 
I LOVE the Christmas/Channukah/New Year’s/Solstice Season !
 
If I am ever wondering if anybody cares or telling a bunch of lies that they don’t, all it takes is the holiday season for dozens of people literally to come out of the woodwork to remind me of all that I have forgotten.
 
*tears*

I’ve received season’s greetings from my mother & stepfather, my sister and her sons, one brother, one ex-husband, several ex-boyfriends, several girlfriends and friends, one teacher (well, that I’ve had classes with – they are all teachers!) and a few brand new friends, co-workers and a total stranger or 3.

One of my girlfriends, hilariously, spent the night in Katherine, Arkansas last night. She called to check in on some brunch plans for next week and we had a good laugh over the small world phenomenon. Paul lives in his old hometown now, as far as I know. He doesn’t seem to be capable of remaining friends, I guess. 

I woke up with Cricket cuddling me this morning, (Lorlaei is on the East Coast with family and he needs a place to stay till he finds a new job.)   Ms. Cat wanted breakfast. Drew was in the living room watching CSI with his headset on.
 
The trees had frost and ice frozen all around them all the way to work. If I hadn’t been traveling 50 mph on a single lane road, I would have pulled over to take pictures for my Southern coastal nieces, whose birthday is tomorrow, and who have never seen snow.
 
How glorious can it get?
 
How do I ever thank you all?  (Visions of Catherine Deneuve. Okay, I’m weird.)
 
All I want now is a husband.

I’ve been having this thought that maybe I’m done. Maybe I’ve had all the long-term lovers I’m going to have. I cry on that one. A bunch. Surely not.  I need to take pen to paper soon or something. And if it’s true?  What the hell?  I had had more lovers by the time I was 20 than most people have in their whole lives – so many good men (and a few women).  What if?  I think I’d be okay.  🙂
 
I’m okay Now.

And Now.

And Now.

Love, Ann

The Road goes ever on and on

Down from the door where it began.

Now far ahead the Road has gone,

And I must follow, if I can,

Pursuing it with eager feet,

Until it joins some larger way

Where many paths and errands meet.

And whither then? I cannot say.

                              

                                     – JRR Tolkein

5 Minutes to Deep Peace on Thursday 9/13

You will be entertained at the very least and enlightenment is an option.

http://advancedmeditation.com/cmd.php?Clk=2095310

Thursday, 9/13, there is a teleconference call where you can learn more about this. There will be sample meditations and a chance at a free gift worth $400.

http://advancedmeditation.com/cmd.php?Clk=2095310 

Trust me. You want to try this. The IAM Meditations are the product of the fertile mind of Steven Sashen who is also responsible for much of the Shampoo Method we talk about here every day.

It’s completely safe. I’d trust this guy with my life.

This feeling, this is what we have all been looking for our whole lives. It’s like coming home.

Love, Ann  

Christmas Eve

I went to my normal Sunday morning brunch. Most of it was great. Then Becky (remember Becky? She’s the one that stopped speaking to me when I moved to Atlanta. She’s starting to make peace again, little by little.) Anyway, Becky asked me how my birthday was and I burst into tears. I told her my goal for my birthday was to make it to bedtime without crying, and I did. She said, “You were alone on your birthday, weren’t you?”

*sigh*

She and Jared can make me cry faster than anyone I know.

It’s not mean. They just know me. They ask intimate questions and when it’s a sore spot, they really hit the mark.

Tomorrow will be like that, too. My goal will be to make it till bedtime without crying.

Love, Ann

Inspiration for the New Year

Good morning,

I am sitting on a very comfortable couch in a luxurious home on the side of a mountain watching the Sun rise over Boulder in the East. (Thank you!) Both my new car and a loaned Subaru Forester (I want my own, in a darker green and standard by the end of the year.) sit outside. I feel SO very blessed and supported on my birthday. I’m getting Holy Daze emails, e-cards and phone calls from people I love.

Since I was 5 years old I have known that I want to teach. I had some … hmm… childhood complications.

Incest. Really, my thoughts *about* incest, and that’s what I’ve learned. That is very different.

The experiences I have had in the life that followed are the very soil in which my teaching and my learning are planted. Sometimes it’s manure, but it matures.

I’ve had some trepidation about speaking in front of large groups of people I do not know. At the same time, I suddenly felt connected and high.  a few years ago, when I was talking on sexual surrogacy to a class at the university and someone said, “How did you get started doing this?”

I took a deep breath and looked around me. I decided that in a college class it was pretty much guaranteed most if not all of them were adult enough to hear my answer. I told them that my response to incest was to explore sexuality long and hard. (All my puns are intentional. I didn’t say it quite that way to them. I wasn’t that quick.) Oh, and I no longer do sexual surrogacy. I’m way too monogamous for it.

I’ve trained in Rebirthing/Vivation Breathwork, NLP, Institute for Spiritual Partnerships, Work of Byron Katie, Quantum Wealth, astrology, psychology (master’s), ministry (working on a doctorate), and more. I’ve led support groups and counseled and coached privately on spirituality, relationships, sexuality, career, meditation, goals, gosh everything. Yet somehow, I often stop at merely being a contributing student in the front of the class (or writing long blogs and emails to lists, yes.)

What I am doing this year, is stepping up to the front and speaking to groups, in person.

Actually, I’d just as soon sit in a circle and talk, as often as that format is possible. I don’t know any more or any less than anyone else, so I don’t have to stand at the front of a room to establish some kind of authority. Either I know what I’m talking about or I don’t. In which case, I’d love to be enlightened.

This New Year, I am coming out of the closet as a teacher. I am also coming out of the closet as a writer and a counselor.

I could use some tech support. I have 2 dormant web domains and one that needs updating and need to establish some others for other purposes, like soon. I can trade for my services, especially Clutter Clearing, Work of Byron Katie, and Quantum Wealth. I would also be happy to share, in person, a couple of tastes of Steven’s IAM meditations, which will soon be available to the public.

If any of you know of any teaching positions or groups I could speak to or have any ideas at all about this, I am soliciting support here, now, from you. I would appreciate any and all suggestions, not limited to positive ones, either. I need support and people, large groups of people I don’t know, to do this.  🙂

I posted the above to a few of the email lists I’m on. They are most patient with me when I run on like that. Maybe I do have something to say that someone wants to hear. Writing to email lists has been a “safe” way to say things. So, has writing this blog.  

I am really enjoying the day. I feel very, very good about the coming year. I really appreciate my readers. You’ve given me a place to practice. Last year I came out of the closet to write about myself here. I started on February 13th, 2006. I blogged every day for the 40 days of Lent.

Writing has the advantage of giving me time to think and edit. At the same time, when I first started, it was hard. I was sending my little heart out in print with no way of knowing how it would be received. This year I’ve spent some time on Katie’s question, “Whose business are you in when you think that thought?” Now it doesn’t matter so much how this is received. That’s completely none of my business.

It’s time to take this out into the world in person again. I’ve gone from doing mostly individual work and small support groups, to writing, and now I am going public to large groups of people I do not (yet) know. Katie teaches that “reality is kinder than your thinking.” I know it is. I’m ready to experience that in teaching.
Thank you for listening. 

I love reading your Comments. You may make them anonymously on this site.

Happy Holy Daze! 

Love, Ann

Homeless, Jobless and Carless

Good morning,

Most of you know that I am essentially homeless, jobless and carless.

On November 20, 2004 I was in a wreck that cost my 2000 Subaru Forester, which interestingly I bought on November 20, 2000, which is my mother’s birthday. I was under-insured, trying to save money, because I was not working enough to make my rent and car payment and other bills.

It was the beginning of a very interesting phase of my life, in the Chinese curse sense (May you live in interesting times.) At the same time, I have been well cared for throughout this entire phase and I don’t see that ever changing. I feel more secure in the world, not less.

For many reasons, I’ve been learning for several years that the best thing to do if something wants to leave my life, is let it. “Let go, let God” they say.

When the wreck happened, I had just moved out of a home I’d been in nearly 4 years, the longest I’ve lived anywhere since I moved here. I was in shock. But my ex-boyfriend had a spare car, a purple Mustang, that I could drive. It was a little odd. The ignition was a switch, not a key ignition, for example. But it got me to my temp job and back until the fuel pump died. Something he was expecting and planned to fix himself, but he couldn’t get to it right then.

I spent another month or two trying to figure out what to do. My landlord graciously let me out of my lease. A friend offered me a home (in Alabama) in exchange for cooking for him, which I accepted for about 3 months.

Up until that point, I thought I was going to be buying things and expanding into the new home. I live on my Jupiter midheaven line. (Look up astrocartography for more information.) That basically means expansion, fortune, teaching, writing, etc. However, at the same time Pluto is moving through my Sun sign and digging up the deep, the old and the hidden.

Instead, I gave away everything I could let go of before I moved because I was going from a 2 floor, 3 bedroom home to sharing a 2 bedroom loft with a friend. That was Purge #1 moving to my Saturn midheaven. It was truly the hardest. I had to give away my precious, precious cats. They could not go with me. They did find an excellent home on 33 acres with cat doors and carpeted cat castles all through the house. I got regular photos and emails from their new daddy.

Then, when I realized that Alabama is defintely not home, another friend had a brother who was moving back here and bringing an empty van to which I could attach a trailer with my things. So perfect, so wonderful. It was beautiful.

I came home and put everything in storage. I moved into one bedroom with 2 other women. That was temporary, anyway, just 3 months there. Then I moved in with Jared, and we talked about how we figured we could be roommates for 5 years easy. The room was large enough to be my bedroom, library and office. The closet was huge and held everything. I did do another purge, but I thought it was the last one.

But no.

After I lived there about 6 months, Jared decided to put the house up for sale. Suddenly, I need a place to live again. So, I called my friend, Aubrey, and she said I could move into her guest room and do Clutter Clearing in exchange for rent until I went to Europe.

Yes, somehow, in spite of all the temporary workers being let go instead of getting permanent jobs as we had hoped, I was jobless within 2 months of moving in with Aubrey.

Laura gave me a car back in about March, which was a godsend. But without income, I didn’t know how I was going to finish paying for my trip for school. As a last resort, partly because the deadline for cancellation was long past, I sold that car to make the rest of the money to go to school.

I did not know when I would be back. I was open to staying there in Europe and finding work, if I could, but my money and my courage ran out at the same time. I gave up and came back home to Aubrey’s.

I was blessed to put everything I own in storage in the basement of a friend of a friend’s home. I kept only 2 suitcases worth of belongings to take with me. Nothing more.

So, I have been living out of 2 suitcases from September through November, so far.

In the meantime, Aubrey was hired for a job that she heard about within 10 days of beginning to Clear her Clutter, and she was moving out of state. We decided I could stay and help her get the remodeling of the house done and live there until it sold.

And here I sit.

What it looks like is that I have bought the time to write this book.

Without a car payment, working in exchange for rent, and having no regular job to take my time, only a few Clutter Clearing and spirtual guidance clients, which keep me afloat (nearly), I can write.

For whatever reason, that is what I do.

Earlier this week, I was able to get a ride to the basement where my things are stored. You should have seen me. While it has only been 3 months, I’ve been living in an empty house with nothing but a bed and 2 suitcases worth of clothes, a few books, and thank God, a small boom box for music.

I felt like a little homeless girl going through my things in the basement. I mostly wanted my bathrobe and some winter sweaters to wear. I had to look for them a bit, and as I found things, feelings of appreciation and gratitude washed through me.

I was overjoyed when I found my big wooden salad bowl. I found myself hugging it and telling Julie, who gave me a ride, “Oh, my salad bowl! And look, my bathrobe!”

These little things are not so little anymore.

Yes, maybe some day I’ll have another Subaru Forester. I want one. Some day I’ll have a home where I can stay a few years. And of course, I want to offer my words, my services to the world through work.

Right now, I’m just thrilled to have my bathrobe and my salad bowl.

Love, Ann

My HolyDay Card to You

Hi All,

I’m still working on finishing 50,000 words for “Ann’s Tale: There’s Another Mile to Go” in which a feisty young woman finds freedom and healing as she learns that our worst problems contain the juiciest gifts.

www.nanowrimo.org

 

These are the two most inspiring HolyDay songs I know. I’m sending them as my Christmas Card to You.

“The Christians & the Pagans”

Amber called her uncle, said “We’re up here for the holiday
Jane and I were having Solstice, now we need a place to stay”
And her Christ-loving uncle watched his wife hang Mary on a tree
He watched his son hang candy canes all made with red dye number three
He told his niece, “It’s Christmas eve, I know our life is not your style”
She said, “Christmas is like Solstice, and we miss you and it’s been awhile”

/ G C Am D / / Em C Am D / / G C Am D / /

So the Christians and the Pagans sat together at the table
Finding faith and common ground the best that they were able
And just before the meal was served, hands were held and prayers were said
Sending hope for peace on earth to all their gods and goddesses

/ G C Em D / / Em C Am D / Em C Am D G – /

The food was great, the tree plugged in, the meal had gone without a hitch
Till Timmy turned to Amber and said, “Is it true that you’re a witch?”
His mom jumped up and said, “The pies are burning,” and she hit the kitchen
And it was Jane who spoke, she said, “It’s true, your cousin’s not a Christian”

“But we love trees, we love the snow, the friends we have, the world we share
And you find magic from your God, and we find magic everywhere”

So the Christians and the Pagans sat together at the table
Finding faith and common ground the best that they were able
And where does magic come from, I think magic’s in the learning
Cause now when Christians sit with Pagans only pumpkin pies are burning

When Amber tried to do the dishes, her aunt said, “Really, no, don’t bother”
Amber’s uncle saw how Amber looked like Tim and like her father
He thought about his brother, how they hadn’t spoken in a year
He thought he’d call him up and say, “It’s Christmas and your daughter’s
here”
He thought of fathers, sons and brothers, saw his own son tug his sleeve
saying
“Can I be a Pagan?” Dad said, “We’ll discuss it when they leave”

So the Christians and the Pagans sat together at the table
Finding faith and common ground the best that they were able
Lighting trees in darkness, learning new ways from the old, and
Making sense of history and drawing warmth out of the cold

Christmas Song
Jethro Tull

Once in a royal David’s city
Stood a lonely cattle shed
Where a mother held her baby.
You’d do well to remember the things he later said.

When you’re stuffing yourselves at the Christmas parties
You’ll just laugh when I tell you to take a running jump.
You’re missing the point I\’m sure does not need making:
The Christmas spirit is not what you drink.

So how can you laugh when your own mother’s hungry,
And how can you smile when the reasons for smiling are wrong?
And if I’ve just messed up your thoughtless pleasures
Remember, if you wish, this is just a Christmas song.

(Hey! Santa! Pass us that bottle, will you?)

Love, Ann