Truth IS

 

Offer Truth not Persecution

 

“Before I tell my story, before I sing my song,
Better you know where I’m comin’ from.”
Miten

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wBoMY0C_A9I

My name is Ann and I have incest in my history.

I say it that way for a very specific reason:

Incest is something that happened in my past.

I am not a victim.

I am not a survivor.

I am a whole, healthy human being and I have found peace and joy that no one can ever take away from me. Not in spite of incest, and not really because of it.

Peace and joy just are.

 

Peace in our minds and in our lives is a cause-effect relationship.

(me)

 

“You move totally away from reality

when you believe there is a legitimate reason to suffer.”

Byron Katie, Loving What Is, page 288

 

“To empathize does not mean to join in suffering,

for that is what you must refuse to understand.”

A Course in Miracles , Text, Chapter 16, 1st sentence, Page 330

 

You know all of this.

If you don’t know that you know, I cannot tell you.

Why?

Because we humans lie to ourselves. Then we hang on tight to those lies.

We think we don’t want to know the truth. And when we feel that way, no one can convince us otherwise. We are “true believers” of our own lies.

Logic is useless. Appeals to emotion are useless.

The only thing that works is for us to notice that we are suffering and to decide there has to be a better way.

The only thing that works is looking for a better way.

When we look, we find it. And only then.

Sometimes we find it alone. Sometimes others point us to it.

The X-Files slogan was amusing to me: “The truth is out there.”

Well, yes, it’s everywhere.

“The truth is in here” is equally true.

Love, Ann

“You are not trapped in the world you see, because its cause can be changed. This change requires, first, that the cause be identified and then [second] let go, so that [third] it can be replaced. The first two steps in this process require your cooperation. The final one does not.”

                  A Course in Miracles Workbook, W-p1.23.5:1-4

I must have decided wrongly, because I am not at peace.
I made the decision myself, but I can also decide otherwise.
I want to decide otherwise, because I want to be at peace.
I do not feel guilty, because the Holy Spirit*** will undo all the
consequences of my wrong decision if I will let Him.
I choose to let Him, by allowing Him to decide for God*** for me.

                   A Course in Miracles,  (T-5.VII.6:7-1 1)

*** The concept of “God” or “Holy Spirit” is totally optional, and for me best replaced with “truth.” See prior posts for my transitions on this topic.

Is There Life After Death?

Yes, I know Psychics Unlimited. I even got a reading with one of the teachers, Mary, I think, back in maybe 1999. I wasn’t impressed, really.  Jake, the guy I lived with a couple of months in Georgia, did their courses and he loved them. Jake *loves* stories.

 

Two things to consider:

 

1.  Is it true?

 

2.  Is it useful?

 

I’ve found “no” on both counts. Most of it can be disproven so fast it will make your head spin.

 

It’s the “useful” part that is more interesting. (Aside from the question about “if it’s not true, how useful can it be? Except for entertainment value, and truth is *still* more fun than any story I ever heard.)

 

Remember how I used to say that I found it helpful, or comforting to believe in: God, astrology, reincarnation and more?

 

I had never done The Work on that. When I did, I found that thinking there was a “god” blocked my intuition at least as often as it gave me any insight, probably ( ! )  more. Same with astrology. If I read some horoscope and believe it, I get focused in that direction and am just as likely to miss some more tangible inner awareness. 

 

Now… souls, reincarnation, etc. 

 

*deep breath*

 

We can’t prove it doesn’t happen .You cannot prove any negative. There will always be some possibility that some day some thing will prove it. Somebody will show up, some ghost or something and tell us all about some afterlife.  Fine. Lemme know when that happens.

 

But what do we want from these ideas & beliefs?

 

You’re quick. You’ve already answered this in your mind.

 

We want it to comfort us about some lie or story we are telling ourselves. The problem is, that it takes a TON of effort to keep the story going. It is stressful. We can spend money on psychics and all kinds of things and what we really want is to be comforted in our story. Truth be damned.

 

Should someone dare to ask us to look at reality, the first thing we’ll do is defend the story. Especially, these pervasive (read: insidious) ones that nearly everyone believes, no matter what country or culture, like god and life after death. Most people get angry. They *think* they don’t want to know the truth.

 

But if we *really* look, if we  s – l – o – w    d – o – w – n that movie we are playing, the truth we find is far sweeter than the story. So, do it. Find and slow down your story. (Now this is the part where the back and forth in real time in person is really helpful. But you do better on your own than most people, (read: you are far more interested in the truth and much less afraid of it)  so I’ll give it a shot now (and publish this without names as a great blog later  🙂

 

Just before you get that feeling, which has started to fade and is no longer as gut-wrenching as it was when your dad first died, just before that tape kicks in, check, what’s there?

 

Grief is a second thought. I guarantee it is not the first thing you experience. Guaran – damn – tee it.

 

What is? 

 

What if you noticed that?

 

Which way would you be more effective, happier? 

Stressful (trying to keep and prove the un-provable story) or Peaceful (letting go and noticing reality)?

 

Love, Ann

PS – One of the IAM Meditations is “Zooming in on Death.” 

I Can Respect Your Right to Believe In

 

the Easter Bunny, but that doesn’t make him real.

I know people who believe in “the power of intention” or “the secret” or whatever the latest “I can control the uncontrollable” pop phrase is these days.

To put it very simply, control is an illusion – always. 
 
That scares people.

Apparently we don’t know enough to know that this is the only safety. We cannot know all that is needed to have control. It is actually best for us not to have control. We could not do that job. We can’t even calm our minds for 5 minutes, much less keep up with every heartbeat, breath and organ function in our own bodies, let alone other people, institutions, situations or the world.
 
To explain in detail, you will find that for every time someone made an attempt to control some person or situation where they got what they thought they wanted, you can find at least as many times that attempt did not work, usually *more* times that it did not work.
 
These failures to control get explained away with various things from “you didn’t hold your mouth right” to ” someone else’s control was more powerful” to “you had to do it on Tuesday in a blue dress” or “Jesus did not will it,” etc.  The worst one is “oh, for that you have to pay me $1000 for the Advanced Control the World Workshop… ”
 
Reality is much simpler than all of these inadequate explanations: we have no control. There is no “power of intent,” and “the secret” is a lie. There is no secret.
 
That may sound like bad news if someone fears something.
 
But it’s actually good news.
 
We don’t need control.

What we *have* is something far more beautiful, and that “something more beautiful” is what I teach through The Work, The Sedona Method, Quantum Wealth, IAM Meditations, etc.
 
I give people an experience of the beauty & mystery, so that gradually, we lose the lie that there is anything we can (or need to) control.
 
It is clear in the Sedona Method’s simple question “Is this about wanting safety, control or approval?”  That is The Sedona Method, or the crux of it.
 
The next step is to release wanting.
 
Only through releasing wanting can we actually have.
 
It seems paradoxical when we are stuck in all that wanting, wanting, wanting.
 
When we are wanting, we are not having.
 
That sounds obvious, but that is a large part of what anything that we try to follow that imagines we can have control is teaching. It’s teaching wanting, not having.
 
It’s the letting go that contains the “magic.”
 
That’s why I say that:

“Peace in our minds and in our lives is a cause-effect relationship.”
 
We cannot control anything, not even our minds, but if we investigate and observe, we find the peace that is already there. 
 
Love, Ann

Which Meditation Techniques Are Right For You

Meditation Truth

(Reprinted with Permission From the Excellent library of articles on Meditation at   http://advancedmeditation.com/cmd.php?Clk=2721602)

Which Meditation Techniques Are Right For You

Posted: 18 Dec 2008 04:17 PM CST
If you’re looking for meditation instruction or want to learn some meditation techniques, whether you’re looking for meditation and relaxation techniques, or if you want what you might call spiritual meditation techniques, whether you need anxiety relief, and whether you’re looking for meditation for beginners or advanced students… no matter why you want to meditate, you might want to realize that there are different types of meditation. And not every meditation technique is right for every person.

There’s a reason why Tiger Woods doesn’t play football.

There’s a reason why you don’t want see Henry Kissinger on Dancing with the Stars.

There’s a reason why, as it’s said in ancient texts, the Buddha taught 84,000 different meditation techniques to his 84,000 different students.

There’s a reason why in Hinduism they say that each person has his own god and must discover his own way of praying to and, ultimately, becoming one with that God.

And the reason is obvious: we’re each unique.

Who you are is different than who your neighbor is.

So it’s helpful to work with the way you are, rather than fight the way you are.

In other words, if you are Christian, you may want to explore Christian meditations.  There are dozens.

If you are Jewish, there are many Jewish and Kabbalistic meditations.

If you’re Hindu or Muslim or Buddhist, there are meditations that emphasize the beliefs and ideas inherent in each of those religions.

If you don’t think of yourself as religious, you might want to take a moment to think about your own personal nature, your own psychology.  For example, are you someone who enjoys sitting still in a quiet place, or are you someone who needs to be moving in order to process information? Are you someone who is able to feel sensations in your body easily, or is your body just that thing that happens to be attached to your head?  Do you enjoy probing philosophical ideas and looking for the way things work?  Are you better at following instructions, or would you rather have the barest bit of direction and then go off on your own? Do you easily get absorbed in something that you’re reading or in your own thoughts or feelings, or does your mind easily move from object to object?

You see, none of these are a problem.  There are meditations and meditation techniques designed to work with any one of those situations… and many that I haven’t even brought up.

I have a good friend who was one of the first Western meditation teachers. And asking him to sit down and keep his attention focused in one place for an extended period of time doesn’t produce deep meditation results for him, because that’s not the way he’s built.  But practices that allow his him to move his attention throughout his body, from experience to experience, and investigate deeply what he’s experiencing and how he’s experiencing it… well, with that technique, he’s an ace.  If he had gone to a meditation school that said, “Concentration is the only kind of practice,” he would never have become a great meditation master.

Unfortunately there doesn’t seem to be a test that you can take, a meditator’s personality test, the Minnesota Multiphasic Meditation Personality Inventory, that identifies different characteristics that you have and different meditation techniques that might fit who you are.  So you may have to poke around a little bit.

This is where your discerning wisdom is important. Because some meditation teachers will say their technique is “the only one” and that you can’t go jumping from practice to practice.  “Like digging a well,” they’ll say, “you have to just keep digging until you hit water.” That’s a great metaphor, but sometimes there’s no water where you’re digging!

So the best suggestion is to find a meditation practice that gives you immediate results, and then dig there for a while.  And if it doesn’t continue to give results, you’ll have to decide for yourself whether you’re trying to dig a well in the desert, or whether you haven’t dug deep enough.  My recommendation is trust yourself rather than getting answers from anyone who has a monetary interest in you agreeing with them.

In other words, if you ask your teacher, “Should I stay, or should I go?” and they say “Stay! And you need to come to the advanced workshop for $5,000,” then, personally, I would go to another meditation teacher.

It’s not uncommon, and in the Tibetan tradition for teachers to say to a student, “I can no longer help you. Here is the name of someone I’d recommend you study with instead.” If your meditation teacher isn’t willing, or able, to make that kind of suggestion then you might consider that important information.

I don’t think that meditation requires believing everything the teacher says.  It’s about becoming independent, and discovering and trusting what is genuinely authentic for you.  Be careful, if someone suggests that they know better.

From Meditation Truth
http://advancedmeditation.com/cmd.php?Clk=2721602

where there are numerous other highly entertaining and interesting articles on Meditation.

Yes, But I’m Different . . .

Two sentences out of my email last night to a friend:

I THOUGHT I WAS DIFFERENT.  OH. MY. FUCKING. GOD.

I’m not even bothering to censor that. I typed it as you see it – all caps and everything.

Since April, I have been experiencing a cascade of revelations, an internal psychological Flood of Biblical proportions.

Christian analogies aside, I thought I was living in a world, a body, a mind that was a certain way, did certain things, did not do certain other things, and was, on the whole, rather unique and different from all other worlds, bodies and minds – not only different from those I know, but different from all that ever lived or ever will live.

WRONG.

Let me say that again:  WRONG.

Now let me get personal: I WAS SO WRONG.

It started when I did that piece of The Work on “work” with Steven that I blogged about. That somehow reminded me of a sentence stem we often use for The Work:  “I’m a person who . . . (fill in the blank)” I started questioning all the “I’m a person who . . . ” sentences I noticed. 

You know the ones: 

I’m a person who makes X amount of money, does X type of work, likes coffee-flavored ice cream, and hates green peppers. Yeah, any and all of them. They are all fodder for self-revelation. Try it. You’ll like it. At least, the results of the inquiry are likely to be quite freeing. And isn’t that what we were after?

I realized that if life is a school, I was (from some perspectives) flunking some basic courses (you know – money, relationships, career – little things.) If life is a game, I was losing. If life is a play, I had a tragedy. And that NONE of that was necessary.

In fact, I have had the answers to the tests; the rulebook & the moves; the script and the score, for over 20 years now. It is no secret. (It’s not even “the” Secret.)

But I was different.  Those didn’t apply to me. 

You may be thinking the same thing about what I just wrote. I can’t stop you. But read on. Ask some questions. See what you find.

Why is it that we still have things we call “problems” or “issues” or “patterns” or . . . anything we go to therapists and self-help books and ministers and religious texts and weekend – even week-long and longer – seminars to try to “fix?”

Why?

Why, when people give us answers, even answers they say worked for them, do we not “solve” the “problem” and get on with laying in hammocks and smelling roses and enjoying the Darjeeling?

Okay, I’ll admit there is more than one correct answer to the question. In fact, it will probably take at least 3 answers to get a fuller picture. I’ll tell you what they are:

1.  The people we paid for “answers” were wrong about what actually worked.

2.  “Problems” are a feature not a bug.

3.  We . . . I don’t know how to tell you this . . . we, each of us, is no different from anyone else – at least not in any way that would prevent us from “solving” “problems.”

I know. It’s a hard pill to swallow. It makes no sense at first.

There’s just one tiny little – majorly important – fact – about this:  it’s true.

So, let’s look at the first answer: the people we paid for answers are also . . . wrong.

Because memory is reconstructed from fragments, not saved en toto like a video, but with many additions, deletions and distortions – nothing is as we recall it – not even the well-intentioned interpretations of those who want to teach us how to “solve” a “problem.”

Daniel Gilbert’s book, Stumbling on Happiness, contains explanations and more, with pages and pages of footnotes documenting the research. I just finished reading it, and none too soon! Get one.  There are 130 used copies on Amazon starting at $4.50. With shipping, it costs less than a lot of us will spend on lunch today (another topic I’ve been questioning – my “latte factor” see David Bach’s book Smart Couples Finish Rich, but I digress.)

The point is – because of the way our minds work when looking at the past to see what “worked,” we will invariably misunderstand and reconstruct it in some way it ain’t never been. Then, because we may have had some success since then, and because we have a charismatic personality (or a good agent) we get to sell books & seminars and go on Oprah to tell everyone what we mis-remember that didn’t actually work.

When it doesn’t work for everyone, we tell them they didn’t hold their mouths right – that ain’t it.

According to the research in Gilbert’s book, the only time we can get reliable data from someone about what is making them happy is in the middle of the experience. He says that we can, and should, use this as a guide for our choices, but only if we want to have the most reliable answers possible. Otherwise, we can continue to count on mis-remembered and mis-reported and misunderstood memories from those who are trying to sell us something.

The second correct answer is a variation on the “That’s not a bug; it’s a feature” wisdom from computer geekdom.

Problems:  Bug or feature?

Well, we all have them. They are built-in. We have them regularly. They don’t stop. Even those who have achieved what we think we want have had them – in abundance!

So.  Bug or feature? 

Feature.

Definitely.

Get used to it.

If these ideas intrigue you at all, if you’ve ever spent a dime to solve some personal issue – then spend these dimes to see what Gilbert says would actually work. And there is always the libarary. 

I’ll bet you still won’t do it. Why? 

Well, let me tell you:

This is the kicker, yet another truth that set me free, another answer I didn’t want to hear, another perspective that might have saved me 3 decades of ignorance, that I was finally suddenly able to accept after Gilbert’s book and Sashen’s classes and the Conspiracy of the Universe led me, as they say, “kicking and screaming into my bliss”

I AM NO DIFFERENT FROM ANYONE ELSE

– not in any way that matters when I want to know how to be happy.

I breathe air.

I eat food.

I walk on 2 legs, have one head, 2 arms, 10 toes, 10 fingers, keep going . . .

I laugh. I cry. I shit. I die.

I want what everyone else wants, and I get it the same way anyone else would.

Considering the landscape of human experience, and I mean the WHOLE landscape, the basics of being human, the things I have held tightly to, the things that kept me so blind, are the tiniest fraction of my entire reality as a human being.

Mostly, I am just like you.

And as I wrote to the Right Reverend Doctor Mr. Sashen last night (really, someone should give this man an honorary doctorate – in life):

I am humbled & amazed.

I’m so in love with the whole thing that I can hardly contain myself.

I’m sitting here with tears in my eyes again.

Love, Ann

PS – I was looking for a closing quote and I found a great review of Gilbert’s book with an interview:

                   http://www.powells.com/authors/danielgilbert.html

Oh, and here’s a quote, from Daniel Gilbert in the above link:

“I can guarantee you that half the things in Stumbling on Happiness will turn out to be false. The beauty of science is that we just keep stumbling along, slowly accumulating facts that we can rely on. I’m talking about a lot of very new research. A lot of it is mine. There may be fifteen or twenty scientists working on related problems, and I’ve talked about their work, but until we have decades of research on this, with hundreds if not thousands of scientists working on the same problem, we won’t know which parts are right and which are wrong.”

                                                          – Daniel Gilbert

 

Reality’s Kindness – Part II

I have so much churning and changing again.

I know some people wonder if it’s stressful to go through as much as I do. It can be. It depends on how attached I am to whatever is leaving and how welcoming I am to whatever is showing up now.

Situations themselves aren’t inherently stressful or peaceful.

It is always my thoughts about them that make the difference. As A Course in Miracles asks, “Would you rather be right or happy?” 

It’s funny how people interpret that question.  I used to date a man who was so stoic in his suffering, imagining that somehow suffering was ennobling, that he was dead certain that it was better to be right.

I haven’t blogged much these past several weeks. I’ve devoted my creative energy to Wolf.

There is a reason that the only commitment I will make or ask for is the commitment to do my best. Wolf embraced this very quickly. Like me, he has made commitments only to find that growth moves him past the place he was when he made it, and through no fault, but actually through some improvement, commitments must be changed or broken. 

I still feel married to him, and he to me, and like many of my loves, we don’t quite see living together unless it is in a group setting, and I would welcome that with him and others. I want mostly monogamy. He seems to want mostly polyamory.

Where we landed is that he can be the “middle ground” or FWB that I’ve been looking for until something better shows up. It will be a little poignant, of course, but here’s what we have discovered:

1.  Pacing really does matter.

     His Pace is  about 40. Mine is 65.

Remember, Pacing is the rate at which we take in new information. See the Page on the right about Compatibility Factors for more information.

Even if he knew everything I do about all the spiritual psychological studies I’ve been doing for 40 years, Pacing would still be an issue. It is in every conversation. I think so much faster that I don’t need (or want) him to finisih his sentences. This frustrates me and I get exhausted waiting on him, losing track of anything I wanted to share.

Conversely, he struggles to keep up with my pace, which exhausts him – not to mention that he wishes he could finish his sentences even when I know what he’s going to say (and sure, about 20% of the time, I was wrong.)

2. At our very best, defenses down, each of our visions about how we want our lives to look don’t line up.  He likes learning, but due to Pacing and having no Scholar, he doesn’t put a priority on going to classes like I do. He may wear a Hogwart’s t-shirt, but I want to live there and teach!

3.  He doesn’t want to live in the type of community I want.

    While we both see the downsides of spiritual communities and cities with health food stores on every corner, here is a man who eats fast food and drinks Cokes. He can see the benefit of healthier choices, but he wasn’t making those choices on his own before he met me

Why did I title this “Reality’s Kindness?”

Because, to be trite, the Truth sets us free.

Wolf kinda bashed me over the head twice telling me he was “breaking up,” so it took me a few days to get my bearings after each one and even think to look for Reality. I was busy trying to fit a round peg into a square hole. In my idealism, admitting where I was wrong, I was trying to show how we could work with the differences.

e would tell me what it was he couldn’t deal with, I would see that he was right, agree to make a change, make the change, and then something else would come up. Finally, after an emotional day last Thursday, I woke up Friday morning clearheaded. I realized that the Truth is that I am exhausted after just a day with him. He’s a Sage Priest. I’m a Priest Scholar. There is much we have in common.

So, finally, we were both on the same page, and able to say to each other, “What can we keep?”

In Reality, we have found quite a lot we can keep. And the stress we were both feeling has dwindled considerably. That shift was immediate. We both have that little wistful part that wishes we could bond for life. He told me that Friday morning, and I agreed.

It is so much easier, though, to let Reality rule, be and do what we can with each other. The only stress comes from trying to do something else.

Love, Ann

“You move totally away from reality when you believe there is a legitimate reason to suffer.”

                 Byron Katie
                 “Loving What Is” page 288

“To empathize does not mean to join in suffering, for that is what you must refuse to understand.” 

                  A Course in Miracles
                  Text, Chapter 16, 1st sentence

                   Page 330

Shampoo Series – Kabbalistic Marriage?

Good morning,

Jason Shulman, in Kabbalistic Healing, writes of the work of transformation from the perspective of briatic consciousness:

We need to think about this. We need to be brave so that we can go through to experience this God-given state of being that allows us to do the work of true transformation for ourselves and others, now seen for the first time as separate and not-separate simultaneously. We need to be able to invite Yichida, the unique, Intimate One, into our hearts and be fillwed with the glow of the undivided consciousness that God gave us to have and hold, married to it with our bodies and minds.

So began my morning.

Wolf, the man to whom I feel so married, whom I married in a labyrinth in October, and have been seeing ever since, has been incommunicado since Tuesday night. Friends and relatives are all worried about me, concerned, asking if I’m okay.

Good grief, Charlie Brown. I’m fine!

When I told Wolf, beloved that he is, that I would feel married to him even if he was in India with a harem, I meant it. This includes feeling married to him when he has not been in touch by phone, email or in person for 3 days. It didn’t suddenly change.

Shulman writes, also:

When you have a relationship with a husband or wife or partner, and both of you are completely devoted to this awareness, this holy work, then you are going to watch carefully the hologram of that relationship, and you will find that everything you need to know is there.

Yes!  So it is.

These are, in Katie’s terms, the Turn Arounds.

This is a link to Steven’s detailed instructions for Turn Arounds:

https://annojohnson.wordpress.com/turn-arounds-a-how-to-from-steven-sashen/

Here are some thoughts I have had about Wolf:

Wolf is distant.  Turn it around?  I am distant!  Well, duh.

Wolf is not speaking to me. Turn it around? I am not speaking to me.

   In what ways am I failing to communicate with myself?

Is there another turn around? (Of course, there are always several.)

I am not speaking to Wolf. 

Boy, did I find that one. At the time he hung up on me, I was not really speaking to him, I was upset and more speaking at him. 

Other stories I have been telling myself are even more interesting, just wait –

Wolf is having an identity crisis. I overwhelmed him with the Quantum Wealth worksheet on Sunday. I am a catalyst for him. Wolf could be dead or in a coma. He could be having a death and rebirth experience.

Turn Arounds include, but are most certainly not limited to:

I am having an identity crisis. I overwhelmed myself with the Quantum Wealth worksheet on Sunday. He is a catalyst for me. I could be dead or in a coma. I could be having a death and rebirth experience.

I have been up since very early this morning feeling into what these Turn Arounds mean for me. What is this situation showing me about myself? Where am I shut down or failing to communicate? Where do I think something is “too much for me?”

Death and rebirth are old friends. Is there anything to be afraid of? Well, no, and sometimes I don’t know that. If I have the thought Wolf is afraid of me, afraid of our deep connectedness and intimacy, what do I find in that Turn Around? I am afraid of Wolf, afraid of our deep connectedness and intimacy.

Well . . . duh.

I am afraid of me (Who else is there?) I am afraid of my deep connectedness and intimacy (with myself, with God).

I can find all of that.

I know Wolf and I have affected each other deeply. He is a catalyst for me, at least as much as I am for him. In sharing David Deida, A Course in Miracles, Quantum Wealth, The Work of Byron Katie, IAM Meditations, all of the things I discuss in this blog, I am re-learning it myself, re-membering it, bringing it more deeply into my awareness as I “teach best what I most need to learn.” (Sondra Ray and others)

God, I love Jason Shulman! I am blissed out after reading only a few pages of that book again.

I’ve never met the man, only his book and one of his students, who is my teacher and friend, Steven Sashen, and I feel so At One when I read Kabbalistic Healing. He says in the beginning that his book is a transmission, meant to be read over and over. God willing, I may write like that some day.

I feel deeply connected, married, to myself, and yes, to Wolf, and the world we share – even when we are not in physical contact.

I often repeat to him one of the central ideas of his Thelemic pagan practice: Do what Thou wilt is the whole of the Law.

I mean it, and so does he.

I suspect he knows that I am fine and either he will or he won’t get in touch.

Love, Ann

Peace in our minds and in our lives is a cause-effect relationship.

Edgy

Good morning,

I’ve pointed out to Wolf that he could be halfway across the globe with a harem and I’d still feel married to him.

He practices “Do what thou wilt is the whole of the law” and “Love is the law. Love under Will.”

I do, too, but have not been calling it that.

Today we acknowledged that to bring full integrity to our relationship, it is based in that, too.

He seemed intent on telling me to “Be careful what you ask for,” saying that this is a new relationship paradigm for him and he has no idea where it will lead.

I answered that this is always the case. It’s just that we’re saying it. Something about admitting we have no idea where our relationship will go, and how and when we will be “apart” or “together” whatever that means, feels true.

“Forever” is also true. It is simply that it is unlikely to ever look like we imagined it would.

Love, Ann

Question:  “Do you know how to make God laugh?”

Answer:  “Tell Him your plans.”

A Home, A Job, A Dream – Trauma and Healing and Gratitude

Today, I could write about 5 blogs.

If you followed a Tag and didn’t find what you were looking for, please write a comment, so I know what you were looking for when you got here.

I woke up about 5 am, maybe earlier. I got out of bed about 5:30 am. This is beginning to be a lot of 5’s – a lot of change, the numerologist in me says.

One thing about living with cats is that you often remember your dreams. Why? The cat wakes you up in the middle of them. That’s why. Maybe it is  feature, not a bug.

Because there is so much, I’m will tell you what I’m going to tell you, tell you and then tell you what I told you. It’s an old formula for writing and speaking that can be very useful. While I may be no good at planning or cleaning, I am phenomenal at organizing. It helps me feel safe, so I got really good at it.

Several things play a part in today’s blog.

I’m going to tell you about home: my childhood home, the home I am working in for a temp job and the home I dream to live and work in.

I’m going to tell you about jobs. My first job was working for my father, beginning when I was about 12. This week, and maybe next, I am working in a house, donated to a mental health center and staffed by psychiatrists, counselors, nurses with office support staff to manage all the paperwork. Then there is my dream job.

I’m going to tell you my dreams, both waking and sleeping dreams. 

This is what an astrologer would call a Chiron story, a story of a wounded healer. Chiron is an asteroid only recently included in astrology.  Chiron is one of the centaurs, half human, half horse, just like my Sun, Mercury, Mars, Jupiter and Midheaven, which are all in Sagittarius – the sign of the centaur. You know the picture. We carry a bow and arrow and are known both for flinging them wildly and for hitting distant targets. I guess Centaurs have very good eyes. We see deep into people and situations. Other people call us psychic, but really, it’s just about looking rather than looking away. If you want to know more about Chiron and centaurs, check Wikipedia or read Eric Francis at www.planetwaves.net.

Back to the story . . .  

Let’s start with the dreams the cat helped me to remember this morning.

Last night before I went to sleep, I read the first 3 chapters of Peter A. Levine’s book, Healing Trauma: A Pioneering Program for Restoring the Wisdom of Your Body. I’ve known about Peter’s work for about 7 years. Some of the women I interned with during my master’s program were studying his work at a different school than mine. It sounded good to me, and I bought a copy of his book, Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma. I know I read some of it. Somewhere during the past 4 years of moving from home to home, I gave it away unfinished. Every now and then, I think I’ll try again.

The first dream the cat helped me to remember is, of course, not completely clear. I remember that someone wanted me to go out with him. It seemed like it was Michael, a former friend’s ex-husband. Okay, I remember thinking about him  yesterday. That makes some sense. I also remember being in an office building. It was kind of vacant and the time was early evening, I think. I was meeting my former roommate or at least he was there. Again, I emailed with him yesterday because he’s bringing me a bill of sale so I can register the car he so generously gave me. The last part of the dream, I was asking a chiropractor, actually, he’s the husband of a chiropractor I saw for many years. He rarely practices, but he is trained. I was asking him if I could pay his lowest price for a single adjustment. Single adjustments usually cost much more. He is a Network Chiropractor. I see a Flow Chiropractor now. But clearly the dream was about men, support and healing.

The second dream the cat helped me remember was about my childhood home. I was driving by and realized that the original red brick was back (some insensitive boob has actually painted the rich red brick, and it is now a creamy yellow – yuck). There were bushes sitting in pots ready to be planted. They were ligustrum, gardenia and something I used to call a bee bush, no idea what it really is, but the bees liked the white flowers. The old gardenias were dried and frazzled, but still alive and someone had removed them and placed them in pots. I suppose the nursery planned to bring them back to life.

Mema, my maternal grandmother, was there. She said that Mother still had the house and was refurbishing it. In the dream, I wondered what the rent would be and wondered about living there. I wondered if I could create my intentional healing community there.

I read both these dreams as stories of healing, healing trauma and sexual abuse, which is what this blog is mostly all about.

From my reading last night, here is a list from Peter Levine’s Healing Trauma.

Oh, first, let me say what trauma is.

On page 8, Levine says that after 30 years, it is still a challenge for him to define trauma. He says, “What I do know is that we become traumatized when our ability to respond to a perceived threat is in some way overwhelmed. This inability to adequately respond can impact us in obvious ways, as well as ways that are subtle.”

On page 20, Levine says, “The symptoms of trauma can be stable, that is, ever-present. They can also be unstable, meaning that they can come and go and be triggered by stress. Or they can remain hidden for decades and suddenly surface. Usually, symptoms do not occur individually, but come in groups. They often grow increasingly complex over time, becoming less and less connected with the original trauma experience.”

There are a lot of good lists in Levine’s book. It’s short and comes with a CD of guided exercises for re-visiting trauma and healing the body memories and associated symptoms. 

So, back to the lists I mentioned. You’ll find a list of “Obvious Causes of Trauma” and “Less Obvious Causes of Trauma” on pages 14 and 15. Levine suggests we pay attention to our bodies as we read these and notice any uneasiness or discomfort. I’ll let you get the book and do that.

He categorizes symptoms this way:

1. Hyperarousal
2. Constriction
3. Dissociation and denial
4. Feelings of helplessness, immobility and freezing

Now, here’s that list found on pages 18 – 20:

Symptoms: A Lengthy List 

• Hypervigilence (being “on guard” at all times)
• Intrusive imagery or flashbacks
• Extreme sensitivity to light and sound
• Hyperactivity
• Exaggerated emotional and startle responses
• Nightmares and night terrors
• Abrupt mood swings (rage reactions or temper tantrums, frequent anger, or crying)
• Shame and lack of self-worth
• Reduced ability to deal with stress (easily and frequently stressed out)
• Difficulty sleeping

Then he says some symptoms “can show up later, even years later.” He mentions that we are not meant to diagnose with these lists, just “get a feel for how trauma symptoms behave.”

• Panic attacks, anxiety and phobias
• Mental “blankness” or spaced-out feelings
• Avoidance behavior ( avoiding places, activities, movements, memories or people)
• Attraction to dangerous situations
• Addictive behaviors (overeating, drinking, smoking, etc.)
• Exaggerated or diminished sexual activity
• Amnesia and forgetfulness
• Inability to love, nurture, or bond with other individuals
• Fear of dying or having a shortened life
• Self-mutilation (severe abuse, self-inflicted cuting, etc.)
• Loss of sustaining beliefs (spiritual, religious, interpersonal)

Then he gives another list and says these “generally take longer to develop” (page 19). “In most cases, they may have been preceded by some of the earlier symptoms.”

• Excessive shyness
• Diminished emotional responses
• Inability to make commitments
• Chronic fatigue or very low physical energy
• Immune system problems and certain endocrine problems such as thyroid malfunction and environmental sensitivities
• Psychosomatic illnesses, particularly headaches, migraines, neck and back problems
• Chronic pain
• Fibromyalgia
• Asthma
• Skin disorders
• Digestive proglems (spastic colon)
• Severe premenstrual syndrome
• Depressionand feelings of impending doom
• Feelings of detachment, alienation and isolation (“living dead” feelings)
• Reduced ability to formulate plans

I imagine we have all experienced enough trauma, even mild trauma, that reading these lists make us feel a little edgy.

So, take a deep breath . . . several.

When you’re ready, continue.

There is one last symptom on page 20. Levine calls it “The Compulsion to Repeat.” It is well worth reading the story he tells there. It is an amazingly specific example.

Now, what does all of this have to do with this blog? Or with “A Home, A Job, A Dream.” I think you are beginning to see. Some of you, especially those with similar experiences to mine, see very clearly. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate the fact that you are still reading.

Trauma is a clear case of “reality is kinder than our thinking.”

Remember, it doesn’t matter if the threat is real or what is really going on. Thunder can traumatize a baby, says Levine, but there is no real danger. It is the perception that brings on these trauma symptoms. I’m not saying they are not real. Trust me, they are. I’ll get into some of my own symptoms as we go, and I’ve mentioned a lot of them in previous blogs.

But what Katie says is true, “The worst that can happen is a thought.”

Once we re-think the situation, and I feel Levine is right, we need to include the body in this re-thinking, once we re-think a situation, change our perception of it, healing happens.

A Course in Miracles  says “projection makes perception.” (Text, page 445) We project our thoughts onto people and situations, and believe this to be reality. It’s not. ACIM says we live in a dream world, not in reality. The 365 daily meditations in the workbook and the Text and Manual for Teachers are support in changing our perceptions and waking up to reality.

I call The Work of Byron Katie, A Course in Miracles in 4 questions and a Turn Around. It is much faster. I’m not necessarily saying it’s better, though. Time is a godsend when we are healing and taking a year or more to do A Course in Miracles can be very beneficial.

Steven Sashen gives a great and simple example of reality being kinder than his thinking in his Anti-Guru blog.

http://sashen.com/blog/34/rearranging-furniture-in-imaginary-houses/

Read his version. Basically, one element of his therapy for years was the idea that his parents took $42 from him as a child. The truth was much kinder than his thinking.

Steven is a great example of the Chiron archetype. After years of what you might call financial trauma, he woke up. The seminal event had more to do with relationships, and it generalized to everything. Reality was much kinder than his thinking, and he lived to tell the tale. I wish the book were out. Write and ask him for it. (steven@sashen.com)

And ask when he’s going to teach his next seminar, too. He only teaches on request.

The next seminar will hopefully be on the Instant Advanced Meditation or IAM.

http://www.advancedmeditation.com/cmd.php?af=570391

If Katie’s Work is ACIM in 4 questions and a Turn Around, Steven’s IAM is a kinder reality now. It really is instantaneous.

Again, instantaneous is not necessarily “better.” Sometimes a full Worksheet in Katie’s way is exactly what I needed. Sometimes A Course in Miracles. Sometimes IAM. 

I’ve learned a lot from Steven.

So on with my story.  

I’ve told you about last night’s dreams, which include my childhood home. Let me tell you about a job.

Right now, I’m working a temp job at a place that houses counselors, nurses and psychiatrists who see the mentally and developmentally challenged members of our community. There is also an office manager, a person who helps these clients manage their money, and a couple of other business support staff.

Maybe I work temp jobs because I was traumatized by working for my father and going down on him both at the office and at home. I always knew some day I’d grow up and be able to work some other job. But there’s that compulsion to repeat that Levine mentions. I even had sex with co-workers at my very next job, working for an attorney when I was 16 and just out of high school.

I’ve been blessed to be supported by boyfriends and husbands for several periods in my life. This has allowed me to go to school, write, teach and work towards doing something with my background that might be healing for others and continue my own healing in the process.

That’s the job I really want. Well, more truthfully, that’s the job I really have.

So, if you’re a regular reader of this blog, I’ll bet you can put some pieces together and understand how it is that I have tried many major leaps to see how they would go in my attempts to create my dream home, which is my dream job. I moved to Georgia one year to see if I could build my dream there. My dream is how I came to go to Ireland last September. It is what I dreamed of doing with Audrey’s home. It is why I jumped in feet first to see if Paul was the partner I dreamed of who would work with me and complement my talents of writing, teaching and counseling, with his talents in storytelling, sales and money management.

When something looks like the Next Step toward my dream, I take it.

A Home, A Job and A Dream – Healing Trauma

It is my dream to live in an intentional community where I work with like-minded others teaching, writing and counseling.

Maybe I’ll post the latest version of that as a Cowgirl Interlude.

I would love to find others who share that dream with me, living and working together.

In fact, let me put that as a request.

If you feel moved to live and work with others who have experienced life paths of trauma, healing trauma and sharing with others about how to heal trauma, especially the perceived threat of sexual abuse, comment on this blog. I will reply to all serious inquiries.

We need funding, a location, a business manager, an editor, a book publisher, a computer geek or three, as well as teachers, healers, counselors and writers.

So that is my story of my childhood home and jobs, my current home and jobs, and how they relate to my waking and sleeping dreams.

It’s almost time to go to the temp job, so I’ll post this and I may edit it some over the next few days.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Love and many blessings, Ann

Shampoo Series – Spiritual Enlightenment – What If?

What if . . .

Think of the things you complain about, dread and dislike in your life. Make a list.

Now, what if your happiness, your peace, your “spiritual enlightenment,” depended on having exactly those things in your life?

We have this idea that if we achieve these concepts of happiness, peace and spiritual enlightenment everything will be some kind of “All Bliss, All the Time.”

Well, check.

I was at the Gathering for the Work of Byron Katie, when someone said that she couldn’t follow her spiritual calling unless she had the freedom to move out of state, something she cannot do with her child, by divorce decree.

Steven looked at her and asked, “Nelson Mandela was in prison for how long?”

We all laughed.

“And the Christian saints and martyrs? They were free to move and travel about all the time, right?”

Er…

I added, “and Ghandi got around really well while he was fasting.”

No, he could barely lay on his pallet sometimes he was so weak from fasting from what I have heard.

For myself, incest in my childhood, the exciting and exhilarating journey from grief to gratitude, were all part of following my spiritual calling. The story is in this blog.

So, the next time you have a complaint or some stress you think is keeping you from . . . anything . . . check. It might be merely the next step in following your spiritual calling.

Love, Ann