True Friendship – A Reason, A Season or a Lifetime?

A couple of weeks after I met Wolf, he and I were discussing my faded relationship with a mutual friend, Ellen. Wolf asked some hard questions and pointed out that she really wasn’t holding up her end of the friendship. He was right. She wasn’t. I had to admit that we weren’t really being friends in a true sense of that word.

Wolf said, “A friend is someone who will go out to help you in the middle of the night in a snowstorm.”

Well, that may be his definition.

Several weeks later, as we were discussing what it means to be FWB’s (Friends With Benefits), I told him that for a couple of weeks he had been more of an acquaintance. He self-righteously told me that he most certainly would get out to help me in the middle of the night in a snowstorm. I admitted that I knew he would, but friendship for me implies some kind of consistency in our contact with each other.

Years ago in a session with author and teacher, Tama Kieves, I was bemoaning the reactions of some people I called friends to me and to my lifestyle. Tama said, “Those people are not your tribe.” Her words went deep. I thought they were my friends, but when I looked at what I was saying to Tama, and how I was relating to this group of people, I realized she was absolutely right. Sure, some of them would get out in a snowstorm in the middle of the night to help me in a crisis, but these were not the people I called when I wanted to talk through thorny emotions or difficult decisions. I would not call most of them at 2 am if I just needed a friend.

A few months ago, when Paul reappeared in my life, I thought I would write a blog on friendship. I vaguely remembered something about “a reason, a season or a lifetime.” I didn’t get around to writing about this back then, but now I’ve checked for those words and found that a Drew Chalker wrote a piece with this title.

You can find the writing that inspired the title of this blog at:

http://www.steeldog.com/reasonseasonlifetime.htm

A few days ago, Judith Gayle wrote a piece in Eric Francis’ Planet Waves (www.planetwaves.net) newsletter & site about her “Big 8” for 2008. She gave a lot of really good thoughts about living well, beginning with “Tell the truth.” She also suggested we “Buddy Up.” Get a process partner, she said.

I’d love to.

Eric mentioned that it would be good to find someone we are not emotionally involved with. That could be. I’ve tried both. I would dearly love to have a husband type process partner. I’m one of those people who doesn’t know what she thinks until she says it out loud (or blogs it, which is nearly the same thing, except it’s a monologue for the most part.)

All of this has me back to thinking about friendship.

What is a “true friend?”

Well, you know, it varies. At least for me it does.

I have friends that I haven’t seen in years, some of them, and if they walked in this door right now and sat down for tea and chat, it would be as if we had never missed a day. A more common group includes friends who show up once every few weeks for a little deep talk (or more) and then disappear again until the next inner prompting brings us together. Come to think of it, we may have one of those bell curves here. The fringes: people I haven’t seen in years, but remain close with, and people I see intimately all the time, possibly have maybe 2 to 4% of those I call friends. Probably 20% of my friends take up 80% of my friendship time and energy.

I’ve had almost-tribes, too, or tribes that were around for a reason or a season, but I have had precious few individuals and no tribes that have clicked yet for a lifetime.

I’m reminded of the U2 song, “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For.” Lyrics below, and here’s a YouTube of it:

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2fBj2wsimvQ

I know how he feels. 

I’ve been close to a tribe when I worked a few weeks in a bookstore. I find kindred spirits in classrooms. I once lived in an ashram and I still keep in touch with people from those days, including one of them I married and divorced. My mother is the best process partner I’ve had so far, and while there is still much value in that relationship, I often need someone else, someone who isn’t my mother.  The more I’ve learned and experienced, the harder it has been to find a therapist who can meet me where I live.

I have friends, good ones, all over the country, even a few in other countries. I like my own company. I enjoy the hell out of blogging, but that’s pretty much solo work except for the rare comment.  

I think I agree with the author of that catchy piece about “a reason, a season, or a lifetime.” There are different types of friendships, some more lasting than others. I am a tenacious friend. I pretty much only lose touch with a friend when there’s a reason like a shift in our reasons for being in touch or some lack of boundaries or something. Sometimes we’re not interested in the same things anymore. Sometimes there is a difference we just can’t work out at the time. 

There are people on this planet with whom I’m out of touch, for one reason or another, that if they walked in the door tomorrow (or called or wrote), and there was common ground again, I’d welcome them back to my life.

I appreciate those who can show up for a crisis, and yet I really think friendship, for me, is best with some kind of continuity of contact.

Love, Ann 

“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For”  U2

I have climbed highest mountains
I have run through the fields
Only to be with you
Only to be with you
I have run
I have crawled
I have scaled these city walls
These city walls
Only to be with you

But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for
But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for

I have kissed honey lips
Felt the healing fingertips
It burned like a fire
This burning desire

I have spoke with the tongues of angels
I have held the hand of a devil
It was warm in the night
I was cold as a stone

But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for
But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for

I believe in the Kingdom Come
When all the colors will bleed into one
Bleed into one
Well, yes I’m still running

You broke the bonds
And you loosened the chains
Carried the cross
Of all my shame
all my shame
You know I believe it

But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for
But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for
But I still haven’t found what I’m looking for