My Muse asked me, “If you knew your partner liked being spanked during sex, would you do that for them, knowing it turns them on so much?”
Ah, Grasshopper, good question.
Aligning sexual preferences with another person can be very interesting!
I used to think that my fetish was fulfilling other people’s fantasies. Maybe for many years, it was. I have witnesses. I have fulfilled more fantasies than most people have ever heard of. Why? I don’t know. I’m just very willing to try most anything sexual – twice.
Why twice?
Because it might be an acquired taste.
The first question I always asked a new lover was: What is your favorite unfulfilled fantasy?
99% of the time when you ask a man that the answer is “two women.” Well, that’s easy. I am bisexual. It can be arranged. I admit it was kinda cool when I got in with a group of Ds people for whom the two women thing was fulfilled long ago. I tried everything in that arena that I was remotely interested in (see the negotiation forms in Jay Wiseman’s book, SM 101,) and some things I was not remotely interested in. Just to see.
Honestly, though, I finished that exploration stuff about 7 years ago. There is nothing at all wrong with exploring every single fantasy you have with a willing partner in a safe way. I say do it. That’s part of how Siddhartha Gautama, the Buddha, found enlightenment. He tried everything, sexual fulfillment, wealth fulfillment, he did it all. And when none of it brought the illumination he was seeking, legend has it that he sat down under a bodhi tree and found God, and was finally fulfilled. Hermann Hesse tells the story beautifully in his book, Siddhartha.
But the Buddha did not get there just by sitting and letting all his desires go unexplored, not without trying everything else first. So go for it!
Now for me, if someone tells me they want to “explore” sexuality I tell them to find someone else. I know what I like. I know what I don’t like. It takes a lot to surprise me. And I don’t like surprises. I like familiarity and comfort mostly. But most of all I want a man who connects deeply and spiritually with me through his eyes, his words and his touch. Someone whose lead I want to follow.
I used to identify as a bisexual polyamorous switch.
That means that I enjoyed sex with men and women, had open relationships with more than one partner at a time, and I had sex as both the Dominant and submissive partner.
The height of all of that was two male-to-female submissive crossdressers I dated, right in a row. Yes, men who liked dressing as women and being submissive. Well, I wanted to give men their fantasies, and it is hard for those men to find women who are interested. So, why not? I was open to it. For about 3 or 4 years, I tried.
When does doing something for your partner go against some kind of boundary of your own? When does it cause you more stress? How do you decide what to do?
Those are the details hidden in my Muse’s question above. He couldn’t see any harm in doing something your partner wants if it really turns them on. He’s Dominant in bed. Very. One of the best. But for someone else? Is there anything wrong with spanking your partner? Well, yes and no.
What if giving a spanking feels harsh, rough or simply unnatural to the person being asked to do that? Many people feel that way about spankings. Some people were spanked as children and hated it. They don’t want to make it part of their sex lives. Or maybe they just aren’t interested. Maybe they are more the submissive type.
I was cuddling with my friend, Terry, a couple of weekends ago.
He was objecting to the way women find him feminine. He said that wasn’t true. He is a man and he can prove it. I can vouch for that. All the parts are there. He has his masculine traits, definitely. But I also see why women say he is feminine.
His first alternate idea was “giver” for the stereotypical masculine role, and “taker” or maybe “receiver,” for the stereotypical feminine role. I am good with that. It’s very much like Deida’s active/receptive polarity that I love so much.
But Terry went one better. Giver and taker both have negative connotations in some ways. Terry and I both like to dance. He switched to a dance analogy and came up with “leader” and “follower.” I can go with those, too. Those terms also have some baggage, but if you’re thinking of dancing, well, you can’t both lead and you can’t both follow. You have to have one of each or it simply doesn’t work.
Polarity is true “chemistry.” But for most people, chemistry occurs when they meet someone who is the same creative energy as their opposite gender parent.
Try this: get a picture of your opposite gender parent and put it side by side with a picture of the people you’ve had long term relationships with. See if you can get a sense of whether they are energetically similar. Look beyond the physical. Do look at the eyes. That’s where you really find the Creative Energy.
Most people never get beyond finding partners who are a bit of an improvement on either their mother or father, but very much the same. People who will relate to them in the familiar ways their mother or father did. Rarely do we go for someone outside this box, and more rarely still do we go for someone who is our same Creative Energy, unless of course, one of our parents was that. That’s not chemistry. That’s not a healthy attraction of magnetic polar opposites. That’s Imprinting. If you want to know more about Imprinting, read the April 24 blog.
So what about the woman who said that her husband would never consider spanking her, even if she really wanted it? She may have had several reasons for thinking so. Here are some of the possibilities:
1. Her husband considers spanking abusive, and even in the face of his wife’s moans of delight cannot get past the idea that he is hurting her.
2. Her husband was spanked as a child and swore never to do that to anyone, and cannot rethink it in a sexual context.
3. Maybe her husband thinks it is weird or unnatural, repulsive even.
4. Or maybe, her husband is not a leader. Leaders spank. Followers generally don’t. Or, put another way, Dominants spank, submissives generally don’t. It is totally contrary to their sexual preferences and sexual desires.
I came face to face with that in myself.
I am submissive, feminine, responsive, receptive and more of a follower than a leader in my romantic relationships.
I can just barely manage to do a tenuous, remotely acceptable impersonation of someone who will spank and dominate if I am told to do so. Then I’m following and I can almost do a credible job of it. Nearly. But I’m not fooling anyone. Not me, not the person who wants to be Dominated and spanked, not nobody.
It is worth noting that some people distinguish between Dominant/submissive and Top/bottom relationships. Dom/sub relationships tend toward more emotional mental, even spiritual roles. Not necessarily role playing, because I fail miserably at acting, but at fulfilling the need to take and be taken sexually. Top/bottom relationships, so I understand, are more about the physical. They aren’t needing the kinds of mental/emotional/spiritual input. They simply want to spank and be spanked (or other activities appropriate to such play).
I’m a submissive. I am not remotely a bottom. Not at all. Not interested. Doesn’t do a thing for me. I am neither a sadist nor a masochist. I am a hedonist. Well, was. I’m not sure what you would call me now. A deeply spiritual lover, maybe. Hedonism isn’t enough. I did that one with Cricket, and it quickly amounted to nothing with Russ.
For a psychological player, like myself, it ruins the whole experience to try to play at something I am not, and most of my partners have been psychological players, too. And now I can’t even “play” unless I mean it. There is something beyond the duality even of the active/receptive or leader/follower duality. There is a place where we are Love loving.
What I really desire most now is someone who wants to be intimate. Intimate in conversation, in time together, in email, in friendship, in companionship, in sharing music together, in dancing, in cuddling, in sharing meals, and yes, in sex. Deeply, spiritually, present and intimate in all areas of our lives. Someone who can be Love loving with me, who can help lead me to surrender totally, through him, but not so much to him, as to God, All That Is, that Life that lives through us.
What about Creative Energy and Imprinting?
My first husband was the same Creative Energy as my father. He was the last Sage Artisan that I know of, except for one man I had sex with once, because we were just very attracted to each other and wanted to know what it would be like. I considered that healing that I was not repulsed by my father’s type.
From then until about 2 years ago, I dated Artisan Scholars like my mother. That often happens. We switch to desiring the same gender parental archetype.
However, beginning about 2 years ago, all of the men I attracted were Artisan Priests. They are the quirkiest! I could find a Priest type of inspirational sharing with them that I enjoyed, but none of the three turned out to be more than temporary partners. I dated two Priest Artisans, as well; again, short term things where we both quickly decided this wasn’t what we wanted.
Do I think I have to have a Priest Scholar like myself? No, not necessarily. I might enjoy that, and yet I also know that I have come far enough to let another person be themselves without requiring that they be just like me. It’s still challenging, yes, but I’m ready for the challenge of deep intimacy with a man “who can fuck me straight to God,” as David Deida says in Dear Lover.
I want someone who wants to give time and energy to this, to go as deep as we can with one another. Nothing less.
And for anyone who is interested, I’m still in sexual abstinence. This is my 40th day.
After today, I don’t care one way or the other. I would love to have someone to break my abstinence with, someone capable of connecting deeply who is interested in doing that with me. I considered finding a surrogate, someone who wanted to ceremonially break my abstinence with me whether or not we became long term partners. That isn’t totally out of the question, but it may be unlikely. Or, I may wait a while longer just to see who shows up. Nature does abhor a vacuum, she wrote, grinning mischeivously. Why do you think I went into the abstinence in the first place?
I may also spend an entire day Saturday, maybe this weekend, maybe next weekend, playing by myself sexually, fantasizing about the partner who can meet me here and go to sleep dreaming of him. Then when I wake up Sunday morning (I am a Morning Person, remember? Although sex is good at any or many times of the day!) so, possibly what I may do is when I wake up Sunday morning, I will bring myself to orgasm, over and over again, invoking that energy to bring the man who desires me as much as I desire him to me.
It has worked for me twice before. Both times I got even more than what I imagined.
Cricket was amazing, but lacked the verbal and spiritual components. Russ was closer still. He is my Muse. I have written every single day since 2 days after we met. His first Love Language is words, just like mine. He has inspired more and better writing than I’ve done in my entire life. But he did not want a full time or romantic relationship of any sort. Nothing wrong with either of them. That choice is theirs to make. They are who they are. I love them both and always will. I simply wasn’t completely clear on wanting just one man to share the rest of my life with me. I was still holding back.
Let’s see how I’m doing now, shall we?
Love, Ann
“Romance can be a holy place, dedicated to the experience of Heaven on Earth. But that can only occur if the perception of our mutual innocence is a sacred commitment.”
– Marianne Williamson, Enchanted Love
Ann's Tale 