Sorting By ASL

Age, Sex, Location – if you don’t know.

I cannot tell you how often I get a reply on Craig’s List or Match.com or oOKCupid.com or some other dating site reply that says, “I’m X number of years old, but age is just a number,” from men 20 years younger than I am or “I’m X number of years old, but I don’t look it,” from people who look like my grandfather.

I’ll admit that I’m in the middle-aged range. I’m in my mid-40’s. 

I also know there is a thing called the ”cohort effect” in psychology that is also something we find in dating. In psychological studies, you would not run a study on people who were teenagers in the 60’s and people who were teenagers in the 90’s and expect them to have the same values about sex.  One was “free love” time and one was “post AIDS.” They are different groups with different ideas simply because they were born earlier or later and participated in a different decade of events.  

Nothing wrong with either of them. They’re just different.

I get letters from guys who are 28 or 29 telling me how they love older women, we know what we want, we don’t play games, etc. Sure, it might be fun to romp with one of these kids, but they could literally be my kid! So, I don’t.  

I send them a reply that goes something like this:  

“I understand your point of view.  I was way beyond my years, as well. At the same time, have you noticed how you don’t even speak English the same way as someone my age? I find it offensive when someone says “whazzup?”  You think you’re just saying “hello.” 
 
We don’t know the same music, the same TV shows, the same movies, and while I realize those things are shallow in one sense, we take them for granted and don’t notice the deeper bonds they contribute to unless we get with someone 20 years away from us.
 
In a sense, you are totally correct, age doesn’t matter. At the same time, no one I know of who is over 40 says age doesn’t matter. It’s really the younger portion of people who think that because they haven’t been where we are. I’d love to hear what you think about this in 20 years.
 
But the most important thing I notice here is that you didn’t say a thing about the erotic, intuitive, spiritual connection that is the only thing I requested in my ad. That’s okay, the older guys miss that, too.”

Usually, sorting by Sex and Location is a lot simpler.

I’m a woman looking for a man. Simple, right?

Oh, I’ve dated a few transgendered men, and I’ve definitely loved women, but right now, I’m simply a woman looking for a man.

Location?

If you’re more than 50 miles away you are an LDR (Long Distance Relationship) and I’m not interested. You need to be close enough to count, ok?

So, let’s make these dating site emails count. Read what is requested and respond specifically. There may be a lot of variations and details that we’ll figure out as we get to know each other, but c’mon, how hard can ASL be?

Love, Ann

Dating or Polyamory

Back when I was seriously dating Wolf, and we were sorting through his relationship preference for polyamory and mine for monogamy, he asked me, “Why do you say you’re just poly when you’re dating?  Aren’t polyamory and dating the same thing?”

Not to me.

Dating generally stops at least at third base, ie heavy petting, in high school terms. If I’m dating, I’ve made no committment beyond that date. When I’m dating, I’m still checking you out, not sure whether I’m staying or going until I know you better.

Polyamory implies a relationship, sex in any form, and some kind of commitment to the continuance of the relationship. It implies we know each other well enough to be planning to be around for a while.

Yes, yes, I’ve done the sex-on-the-first-date thing and no-sex-till-the-third-date thing and the let’s-wait-till-we’re-married thing (got married in 11 days once on account of that.) I can find all kinds of variations in sex and the plans or expectations of a continued relationships. At the same time, I notice that there is this phenomenon I experience that I call, “One orgasm and I want to get married.” 

Apparently, it isn’t like that for everyone.

Eric Francis just wrote this in-depth series on sex and love (www.planetwaves.net) and in the last installment he compared what astrology calls 5th house love, creativity and children and 8th house love, marriage, and transformation. One of the first questions he posed in this series was “would you rather have sex in an art studio or a bank?”

A bank!  There’s soft cushy furniture, maybe dark wood paneling and desks to bend over. Elevators can be fun, too.

An art studio, to me, is too messy, no place to sit, stand or lie down comfortably – all bar stools and hardwood – probably pine and light stained or worse – concrete! Too many colors, too little order. Yuck!

Different strokes for different folks.

I’m all for having love and creativity, of course. I just prefer it in the crucible of monogamy and the transformational awareness that I find in that.

I will date more than one person at a time, with or without sex, depending on what is there between us. But when I find a good fit, I much prefer to find the many in the one.

Love, Ann
 

Is it Courage? Or is it Trust?

I was telling a friend how puzzled I get when someone tells me I have courage. For me, I am just doing the next thing I want to do. He said, “Are you afraid of moving?” I checked inside. “No. Are you kidding?” So, he told me, “No fear? Then it’s not courage.”

How obvious! Why didn’t I think of that?

So, what is it?

Maybe it’s trust.  Anyone can have trust it if they notice reality, possibly using the 4 questions & turn around of The Work of Byron Katie or any other method that is truth-based. “Reality is kinder than your thinking,” she says.

I know a woman who often tells me I have courage. She is in the habit of locking both the front door locks at night, keeping 3 inch gargoyle statues by the front door and hanging a little carved animal charm in the middle of the house to ward off evil spirits.

The more I question reality, the more I realize how profoundly superstitious the new age culture is.  We can see these superstitions in other cultures because they are not our own. Catholicism’s candle-lighting, rosary beads, statues of Jesus and Mary and crossing oneself to ward off evil, for example, seem as primitive and impotent to a non-Catholic as any medieval custom or tribal ritual. These are not our own.

But please don’t you dare question whether we should Feng Shui our bathrooms! Oh sure, there’s a certain logic in not blocking doorways, having a clear path through the house and making sure that you are not tripping over building timbers in the garage. It’s not because it’s “bad Feng Shui,” though – it’s because someone could trip and get hurt Water is “good Feng Shui” because that’s how the boats brought trade to the city. But putting a water fountain in your living room is not the same thing!

A few years ago, I started saying things like, “A good horoscope is good advice on any day” and “Astrology is a correlation, not a causation.” I was beginning to question the reality of astrology. When I took one of my favorite lines through The Work’s questions, I found the turnaround was just as true, if not truer, that “Astrology disconnects me from my intuition.”

Here’s an example horoscope for last weekend from Jonathan Cainer, www.cainer.com:

“You may be starting to feel like an arrow that is about to be fired by someone else’s bow. You suspect you are being used as a pawn in a greater game. There is a sense of the inevitable about what is happening, yet you are not sure whether you are happy with this. But can you turn back time? Can you stop what has already started? Well then, relax. Ignore criticism and suppress doubt. Go with the flow, even if you are not yet quite sure where that flow is actually going. Happy surprises lie in store. “

Now think about it.

Imagine this is your forecast.

Don’t we all have the feeling of not being in control? Of course we do. That book Blink that shows how our decisions are measurable in our brain before we know we’ve decided might be a clue to that. We don’t seem to control our decisions at all, much less our thoughts.

But don’t tell the new agers that! You’re supposed to control your thinking. Think only positive thoughts. Don’t say “but.” Try to tell them this isn’t possible and whatever story or threat they have not questioned begins to tighten in the belly or in the heart. “You just have to practice more. Don’t talk first thing in the morning. Wait till you have your happy face on. Eventually, you will think only positive thoughts and your life will be better.”

Not bloody likely, as Steven says, I can’t even control a bad hair day!

What about “can you turn back time?”

Of course not. That statement is true no matter what day you write it.  But not everyone realizes that. I know a man who got very upset and shut down a conversation completely one day when I made the misjudgment of  suggesting that he could not possibly know how his life would be now if his father had not died when he was a child. His story is that his life would be better now if his father had lived. My crystal ball just isn’t that clear - especially not about the past.

“Can you stop what has already started?”

Well, sometimes we can. But usually if you’ve decided to move because your discomfort in your home outweighs the convenience of having that particular roof over your head, you’re not so likely to stop everything and stay. Yes, we can turn around our thoughts and be compassionate, but as Marianne Williamson said, “Just because you forgive somebody doesn’t mean you have to have lunch with them.”

I know that I have places where I still blame the past for things that I could have changed years ago and I know I have a mountain of thoughts I have not questioned. It’s just easier to see in someone else’s superstition. For some of us it wasn’t stories about incest, like mine, it was rape or theft or a parent with untrue stories they refused to question (and we believed). Some people’s stories aren’t even about obvious crimes. Maybe we think our life would have been better if our family had stayed in one place and not moved around all the time. Maybe the opposite – we would be happier if our family had moved more and we hadn’t gotten stuck in Arkansas for 18 years.

And I am absolutely certain that whatever the reality is about my friend’s thoughts, habits and behaviors, reality is kinder than my thinking.

“Relax. Ignore criticism and supress doubt.”

Relaxing is good – unless you are running from a saber toothed tiger.

I’m not so sure about “ignore criticism and supress doubt.”

I long for more openness and honesty. That is what would bring more closeness for me. I’d rather listen to criticism and check into it. Hear the doubts and find out if they are real.

If I look, my fears of upsetting my people often keep me from being more open and honest myself. I am afraid I will be too blunt and piss people off. I don’t have fear in the of moving across the country or traveling, but I do have fears. And I don’t always confront them – especially where it hasn’t seemed to help. Then they stack up and I finally do what looks courageous. I think I can’t talk freely; I can’t be honest; I can’t say what I really think.

There are bound to be unquestioned stories in that one!

“If I tell the truth, or say what I think (true or not), I’ll have to leave.”

Is that true? Hmm, not necessarily. That’s a no.

Can I absolutely know that is true? No.

How do I react when I believe that thought?  I stop talking, tense up.

Who would I be without this story?  More clear-headed and relaxed. Able to make choices with less stress.

“Go with the flow even if you are not quite sure where that flow is actually going.”

Are we ever sure? Nope.

Happy surprises lie in store. Always – on any day. You can take that to the bank. Trust that.