Reality’s Kindness - Part II

I have so much churning and changing again.

I know some people wonder if it’s stressful to go through as much as I do. It can be. It depends on how attached I am to whatever is leaving and how welcoming I am to whatever is showing up now.

Situations themselves aren’t inherently stressful or peaceful.

It is always my thoughts about them that make the difference. As A Course in Miracles asks, “Would you rather be right or happy?” 

It’s funny how people interpret that question.  I used to date a man who was so stoic in his suffering, imagining that somehow suffering was ennobling, that he was dead certain that it was better to be right.

I haven’t blogged much these past several weeks. I’ve devoted my creative energy to Wolf.

There is a reason that the only commitment I will make or ask for is the commitment to do my best. Wolf embraced this very quickly. Like me, he has made commitments only to find that growth moves him past the place he was when he made it, and through no fault, but actually through some improvement, commitments must be changed or broken. 

I still feel married to him, and he to me, and like many of my loves, we don’t quite see living together unless it is in a group setting, and I would welcome that with him and others. I want mostly monogamy. He seems to want mostly polyamory.

Where we landed is that he can be the “middle ground” or FWB that I’ve been looking for until something better shows up. It will be a little poignant, of course, but here’s what we have discovered:

1.  Pacing really does matter.

     His Pace is  about 40. Mine is 65.

Remember, Pacing is the rate at which we take in new information. See the Page on the right about Compatibility Factors for more information.

Even if he knew everything I do about all the spiritual psychological studies I’ve been doing for 40 years, Pacing would still be an issue. It is in every conversation. I think so much faster that I don’t need (or want) him to finisih his sentences. This frustrates me and I get exhausted waiting on him, losing track of anything I wanted to share.

Conversely, he struggles to keep up with my pace, which exhausts him - not to mention that he wishes he could finish his sentences even when I know what he’s going to say (and sure, about 20% of the time, I was wrong.)

2. At our very best, defenses down, each of our visions about how we want our lives to look don’t line up.  He likes learning, but due to Pacing and having no Scholar, he doesn’t put a priority on going to classes like I do. He may wear a Hogwart’s t-shirt, but I want to live there and teach!

3.  He doesn’t want to live in the type of community I want.

    While we both see the downsides of spiritual communities and cities with health food stores on every corner, here is a man who eats fast food and drinks Cokes. He can see the benefit of healthier choices, but he wasn’t making those choices on his own before he met me

Why did I title this “Reality’s Kindness?”

Because, to be trite, the Truth sets us free.

Wolf kinda bashed me over the head twice telling me he was “breaking up,” so it took me a few days to get my bearings after each one and even think to look for Reality. I was busy trying to fit a round peg into a square hole. In my idealism, admitting where I was wrong, I was trying to show how we could work with the differences.

e would tell me what it was he couldn’t deal with, I would see that he was right, agree to make a change, make the change, and then something else would come up. Finally, after an emotional day last Thursday, I woke up Friday morning clearheaded. I realized that the Truth is that I am exhausted after just a day with him. He’s a Sage Priest. I’m a Priest Scholar. There is much we have in common.

So, finally, we were both on the same page, and able to say to each other, “What can we keep?”

In Reality, we have found quite a lot we can keep. And the stress we were both feeling has dwindled considerably. That shift was immediate. We both have that little wistful part that wishes we could bond for life. He told me that Friday morning, and I agreed.

It is so much easier, though, to let Reality rule, be and do what we can with each other. The only stress comes from trying to do something else.

Love, Ann

“You move totally away from reality when you believe there is a legitimate reason to suffer.”

                 Byron Katie
                 “Loving What Is” page 288

“To empathize does not mean to join in suffering, for that is what you must refuse to understand.” 

                  A Course in Miracles
                  Text, Chapter 16, 1st sentence

                   Page 330