Rise Again

I could honestly title this whole blog, “Rise Again.”

That is what it’s about, my rebirth. It’s an ongoing process, not a one time event, although I do mark the significant shifts I made in 1985 as a beginning.

I love the name “Anastacia.”

It means “one who shall rise again” or “resurrection.”

It’s a theme for my life. I am constantly in the rebirth of rising again. Yes, like a phoenix from the ashes. I have an American Indian name that, when I use the whole name, means the same thing. The part I share is Deer Song.

It feels like I am in the middle of another deeply transformative time. One of my astrologers, Topaz Weis, in Vermont, tells me that in a couple of years I will be a very different person . . . again. She was with me the last time this happened. She has been good guidance for almost 11 years. Look her up. I’ll post a link when I have one.

I’ve been thinking of writing this blog for months now. I knew I wanted to call it “Rise Again.” But then I stopped. There is so much to say about this. For me, it is everything.

So many hundreds and thousands of people have had a rebirth experience and everyone else is looking for it.

I think that the culture and understandings of your own worldview do a lot to color these experiences when they happen. A Christian will say they are “born again.” A Buddhist will speak of “satori” and “samadhi.” In English, we might say “englightenment.”

A science fiction writer, Spider Robinson, talked about it as the rising again of the entire race, and he called it “homo caelestis,” or heavenly human, humans who have reborn into a life among the stars. Arjuna Ardagh calls it “homo lucidus,” or in English, translucent humans.

I really liked what Ardagh had to say about it in “Translucent Revolution.” The initial experience is more of a beginning than and ending. We may think we can just stop there. We’re done. We can die.

Well, we do die in a way. Who we were is gone. Forever. I’ve never met anyone who could “go back.” Once we are at all awake, it is very difficult to pretend we do not know the truth.

What truth?

Well, that depends partly on the culture and understanding in which you interpret the truth you have experienced.

But basically, to me, the truth is that we are One. We are not separate. Not from ourselves and not from God. This Presence is always with us. Emmanuel, God With Us. We can ignore it, but once we know where it is, we cannot pretend we don’t know.

To me, I am now responsible to what I know. It changes my whole life.

Love, Ann

Christmas Eve

I went to my normal Sunday morning brunch. Most of it was great. Then Becky (remember Becky? She’s the one that stopped speaking to me when I moved to Atlanta. She’s starting to make peace again, little by little.) Anyway, Becky asked me how my birthday was and I burst into tears. I told her my goal for my birthday was to make it to bedtime without crying, and I did. She said, “You were alone on your birthday, weren’t you?”

*sigh*

She and Jared can make me cry faster than anyone I know.

It’s not mean. They just know me. They ask intimate questions and when it’s a sore spot, they really hit the mark.

Tomorrow will be like that, too. My goal will be to make it till bedtime without crying.

Love, Ann

Inspiration for the New Year

Good morning,

I am sitting on a very comfortable couch in a luxurious home on the side of a mountain watching the Sun rise over Boulder in the East. (Thank you!) Both my new car and a loaned Subaru Forester (I want my own, in a darker green and standard by the end of the year.) sit outside. I feel SO very blessed and supported on my birthday. I’m getting Holy Daze emails, e-cards and phone calls from people I love.

Since I was 5 years old I have known that I want to teach. I had some … hmm… childhood complications.

Incest. Really, my thoughts *about* incest, and that’s what I’ve learned. That is very different.

The experiences I have had in the life that followed are the very soil in which my teaching and my learning are planted. Sometimes it’s manure, but it matures.

I’ve had some trepidation about speaking in front of large groups of people I do not know. At the same time, I suddenly felt connected and high.  a few years ago, when I was talking on sexual surrogacy to a class at the university and someone said, “How did you get started doing this?”

I took a deep breath and looked around me. I decided that in a college class it was pretty much guaranteed most if not all of them were adult enough to hear my answer. I told them that my response to incest was to explore sexuality long and hard. (All my puns are intentional. I didn’t say it quite that way to them. I wasn’t that quick.) Oh, and I no longer do sexual surrogacy. I’m way too monogamous for it.

I’ve trained in Rebirthing/Vivation Breathwork, NLP, Institute for Spiritual Partnerships, Work of Byron Katie, Quantum Wealth, astrology, psychology (master’s), ministry (working on a doctorate), and more. I’ve led support groups and counseled and coached privately on spirituality, relationships, sexuality, career, meditation, goals, gosh everything. Yet somehow, I often stop at merely being a contributing student in the front of the class (or writing long blogs and emails to lists, yes.)

What I am doing this year, is stepping up to the front and speaking to groups, in person.

Actually, I’d just as soon sit in a circle and talk, as often as that format is possible. I don’t know any more or any less than anyone else, so I don’t have to stand at the front of a room to establish some kind of authority. Either I know what I’m talking about or I don’t. In which case, I’d love to be enlightened.

This New Year, I am coming out of the closet as a teacher. I am also coming out of the closet as a writer and a counselor.

I could use some tech support. I have 2 dormant web domains and one that needs updating and need to establish some others for other purposes, like soon. I can trade for my services, especially Clutter Clearing, Work of Byron Katie, and Quantum Wealth. I would also be happy to share, in person, a couple of tastes of Steven’s IAM meditations, which will soon be available to the public.

If any of you know of any teaching positions or groups I could speak to or have any ideas at all about this, I am soliciting support here, now, from you. I would appreciate any and all suggestions, not limited to positive ones, either. I need support and people, large groups of people I don’t know, to do this. 

I posted the above to a few of the email lists I’m on. They are most patient with me when I run on like that. Maybe I do have something to say that someone wants to hear. Writing to email lists has been a “safe” way to say things. So, has writing this blog.  

I am really enjoying the day. I feel very, very good about the coming year. I really appreciate my readers. You’ve given me a place to practice. Last year I came out of the closet to write about myself here. I started on February 13th, 2006. I blogged every day for the 40 days of Lent.

Writing has the advantage of giving me time to think and edit. At the same time, when I first started, it was hard. I was sending my little heart out in print with no way of knowing how it would be received. This year I’ve spent some time on Katie’s question, “Whose business are you in when you think that thought?” Now it doesn’t matter so much how this is received. That’s completely none of my business.

It’s time to take this out into the world in person again. I’ve gone from doing mostly individual work and small support groups, to writing, and now I am going public to large groups of people I do not (yet) know. Katie teaches that “reality is kinder than your thinking.” I know it is. I’m ready to experience that in teaching.
Thank you for listening. 

I love reading your Comments. You may make them anonymously on this site.

Happy Holy Daze! 

Love, Ann

5 Things Tag

I got a very interesting Comment on a post. Mona ”tagged” me in a friendly game of Blog Tag. Now that I’m “it” I’m to write 5 things about myself that most people wouldn’t know…and then tag 5 other bloggers so that they can do the same.

Mona wrote: “Given that I recognize the tendency to share things that I think will make people continue their love, approval, and appreciation towards me, my list of 5 things about myself will not focus only on the happy, exciting, funny things I could share. “

To see her list, go to http://www.questionthemind.com  She’s a fellow student of The Work of Byron Katie. It’s a great blog.

http://letsdothework.blogs.com/letsdothework/2006/12/the_truth_about.html

Let’s see if I can be just as honest.

This entire blog is full of things about myself that most people wouldn’t know.

1. I lie, cheat and steal. I say things are okay with me when they aren’t. I’ve cheated on boyfriends and husbands in the past without telling them. I got on a train last week without paying the fare. They told me I could do it at the next stop and I didn’t.

2. I’m a pervert. In some circles this is a compliment. What I mean by pervert is that I have odd sexual preferences. While my love of long hair on men isn’t exactly the kinkiest fetish on the planet, I also enjoy being spanked and called names in bed. Talking dirty to me in bed drives me crazy. Almost can’t orgasm without it.

3. I’m more afraid of tenderness in bed than roughness. I’ll cry if someone is really tender and loving.

4. I’ll trust my luck before I’ll work for something. Often. It is less stressful. While I’ve been jobless, carless and homeless, people have given me money, cars and homes. Sometimes I feel guilty and other times I feel this is somehow just how I receive best.

5. I’ve lost good friends by saying too much. More than once. I went ballistic twice when my ex started dating another friend of mine before they had even broken up with me. I was a bitch. I told a lesbian friend that I felt her sexual orientation (like mine at the time) might have more to do with her family’s sexual abuse issues than her preferences. I moved in with a girlfriend’s ex-boyfriend, as  a friend, and she lost it and stopped speaking to me.

I don’t know if I know 5 bloggers to tag. I know a few, but I don’t know if they’ll do this. We’ll see.

1.  Steven Sashen, the Anti-Guru Blog   www.sashen.com/blog

2.  Eric Francis, Astrologer, Political Writer & More  

     www.ericfrancis.com

3.  Forever KC, fascinating older woman in California  www.foreverkc.blogspot.com

4.  Byron Katie, The Work   www.byronkatie.com

5.  Err…. are you a blogger? Do you want to play tag?

Love, Ann

Being Supported Creatively

I’ve posted a few personals ads this year, which gives me some great experience in trying to verbalize who I am and what I’m about. No one can summarize who they are, what their lifestyle is like, what their worldviews include and how they want to live in companionship in just a few words. Just like spirituality, it’s experiential. You have to live it to really get it.

However, the more awake and aware I become, and the more I am available to the Truth, the faster I can both present myself and receive the gestalt of another person, it seems.

I was writing some replies last night and found myself saying some things better than I have before, so I decided to think on “paper” some more.

What I wrote to one fellow was:

I have dated male to female submissive crossdressers whom I loved dearly, but it didn’t work for me. I get off on giving others their fantasy, but that one really slammed me into what *I* need in a big way and I had to change course. *I* am the submissive and the woman!

I’m also very spiritual, caring about little else, and they were Renaissance men/women who had twenty odd other interests we didn’t share. I’m looking for someone to share the journey, not someone to have dinner with at the end of the day.

One gentleman, who does seem to share my idea of spirituality, asked if I am really seeking a communal life. Yes, I believe I am… with a husband who shares it. Spirituality comes before sexuality, and that pun works just fine.

I am being supported to do what I do best.

My life is more about service than doing “jobs” and in exchange people support me in various ways. I’d like to follow tht flow.

I have written a book and am working on at least three more.

Here’s an idea of the gifts I have received from people who appreciate me, my work and/or my friendship. I’ve been really, really lucky and blessed.

I spent Thanksgiving at Indian Hot Springs with friends.

I was given buddy passes to fly to Santa Fe to see my roommate and Swami Vishwananda.

Next I fly to Texas unless I need to use both the passes to go to CA.

I live in a 3 bedroom condo that my roommate is selling.

My former roommate is giving me his old car… not great esthetically, but it runs.

This is the 2nd free car I’ve been given. I sold the first one and traveled to Ireland for a class toward my doctorate in ministry.

What I want to do now is notice and acknowledge the reality of how my life seems to be working *for* me in these ways and acknowledge that I *am* doing my work and *do* want to be supported in clear ways to do that.