“You are what you do when it counts”
-said by the Masao in John Steakley’s book, Armor
I don’t know who the Masao is and I’ve yet to read Armor.
I first heard these words from my fabulously close friend, Kurt, in Texas.
What makes a “fabulously close” friend?
A man whose very life is summed up in this quote: Kurt. Kurt has been my lover, my friend, my confidante, my counselor, my shoulder to cry on and my nemesis, not necessarily in that order. 
There have been a few months in our 12 year friendship when he was not speaking to me. But he announced the decision, explained that it was more for himself than against me, and I respected it until things cleared up and we could be in touch again. I could write an entire book on our friendship. It would make great ”fiction.” Maybe I’ll do that, but right now I have other fish to fry.
Kurt shares my love of words. When I met him, I was in awe of his automatic random signature line generator that attached quotes to the bottom of each of his emails. I still don’t have a random sig line and probably never will. But I did start accumulating quotes in Outlook and choosing a quote for the bottom of my emails. I vary the default to suit my life at the time. On important or emotional emails to friends and family I choose a suitable quote.
Last month my default quote was the towel passage from Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, telling why it is vital for all interstellar travelers to carry a towel. I’ve been carrying a towel since I first read the book in the early 80’s. The same towel, up until this year. It was a big brown bath sheet sized towel. Finally, I decided that green was the way to go and changed towels. I did a lot of hitchhiking the past year, having no car, but I always knew where my towel was at.
If I were to give a eulogy for Kurt, it would begin and end with these words by John Steakley. I would stand up and say, “You are what you do when it counts.” If we remember nothing else about our friend, Kurt, let us remember this. He was there for us when it counted. There isn’t a person in this room who knew him for one day who doesn’t have a story or many stories about how Kurt was what he did when it counted.
When I uprooted myself after a divorce from my home of 37 years and moved out of Tennessee, Kurt phoned me nearly every night and spent 2 or 3 hours keeping me company, listening to my grief and fears and delights in my new home. He inevitably let me speak first, bursting as I was to tell him what was going on, to use him as my sounding board. Then we would slip comfortably into our phone sex and tuck each other in with long distance acts of intimacy.
It’s been days since I wrote here, weeks since I committed to the 40 days of Lenten writing.
This morning, I opened Natalie Goldberg’s book, “Wild Mind,” for inspiration. As usual, I opened to the very thing that was bothering me: the chapter called “Alleviating that Thin Constant Writer’s Anxiety.” Nailed. Just like Natalie was when she realized that Anna had to die in her fictional book, “Banana Rose.” Shit.
Here’s what I read:
“Often, at the moment a student begins to say, “But I have a full-time, demanding job, a family” – I cut her off. “What’s the word?
“She makes a little perplexed face. I spell it out: “S -T – R – U – C – T- U – R- E – We’ve been talking about it all week. Structure your time.“
“Open up those date books that Americans are so fond of and schedule in writing time, and be realistic.”
Thank you, again, Natalie. You know, if I am realistic, I owe Natalie Goldberg and Tama Kieves at least a tithe of anything I ever make from a book. And Kurt.
So, rather than make up a whole schedule for days and weeks just yet, I committed to be writing by 10 am. I nearly made it. I couldn’t decide whether to write at home or in a coffee shop, so, when it was 9:55 and I wasn’t writing yet, I realized that to come anywhere close to my commitment, I would have to sit down and plug in the laptop at home. End of story.
I did. Then AIM came up asking me to update the software. Okay, fine, I did, thinking I could continue working while it updated in the background, but no. AIM’s update took up the whole computer and wouldn’t let me minimize it and do anything else. Phooey.
There’s a pile of books and papers and envelopes to go to the mail and things by the front door. I was trying to decide what to take with me if I went out to write. I just left them there in an awful pile. I organize people’s homes for a living sometimes, and this pile has got to go… but not until I have written.
I realized that starting the 10 am start time wasn’t happening. So what could I do? I did an Amazon search to see what came up on incest. Good to keep my eye on what else is coming out. That supports writing. I picked up that Writing Bible to end all writing bibles, “Writing Down the Bones.” Natalie Goldberg, of course, and read a bit there while AIM chugged away at its little update. *sigh* “The best laid plans of mice and writers.”
Still, I was right here, at the keyboard, doing what I could to be writing the minute AIM let go its monopoly on my laptop.
Finally, it finished around 10:20. Long frickin’ update if you ask me.
I thought I would write 10 to 11:30 because I’m usually hungry at 11:30 am for lunch. Nope. I had wasted, lost 20 minutes. I’m going to make them up. It’s now 11:32. I did call my young lover, Terry, and invite him over for lunch. He’ll pick up kale and I’ll make guacamole so we can have raw guacamole kale tacos when he arrives. I suggested he show up in an hour. With any luck he’ll be a bit late. Quite likely.
I’ve got logistical things to do: get more traffic to this blog, for example. I think I need to mirror it on MySpace.com and on Tribe.net. I like both of those. How can I do that with a minimum of effort? And is that within their policies? I think it is.
But that’s not writing. This is writing time, not organizational time.
I measure myself against this quote, too. It’s not just for Kurt. What do I do when it counts?
Do I run off to a coffee shop, eat chocolate croissants, read other things, write email and fail to blog on this site? Yes, all the time. Kurt does that sort of thing, too. But we both know the value of STRUCTURE.
Hmm. Terry is early for lunch. I’ll be back!
