Do You Want to Know the Truth?

People often write me to ask if I know a good book on how to heal X.

The answer is yes. I do.  Here is my reply to the most recent request.

Good morning, dear,

 

Kitties are good. I’m good. Roommate good. Etc. Thanks for asking. Hope you get to 100% again soon.

 

Last week I asked a good friend for books on healing sex addiction, that might have stories with examples of those who have made it through that, for another friend of mine. I searched the bookstores and online.  When my other friend replied, he said, “Nothing is going to be as good as Katie’s books.”

 

I realized after doing the literature search that he was right.

 

This is certainly true of the abandonment issues, as well. In fact, just about any “issues” will become much clearer if you want to know the truth and do “The Work.”

 

You can go read all kinds of books that will analyze and over-analyze and come up with theories and methods, and basically commit the error that Einstein pointed out decades ago, which is that we cannot solve problems at the level of thinking that created them.

 

The specific quote is this:

 

“The world we have made, as a result of the level of thinking we have done thus far, creates problems we cannot solve at the same level of thinking at which we created them.”

                 Quoted in Des MacHale, Wisdom (London, 2002).

 

 

However, if you want a level of thinking at which you *CAN* solve problems, write Worksheets and ask the 4 questions and do the Turn Arounds. 

 

You will probably need help to begin. There is a free hotline on Katie’s site.

 

   Do The Work Helpline:

 

http://www.instituteforthework.com/community/index.php?name=nd_user_hotline&view=yes

 

 

Or, I can help you through, but that’s my business and I’d have to ask you to pay me, and if you use the free hotline you can save that money.

 

 

Before you even get the books, ask yourself one question:  Do you want to know the truth?

 

If you do, go for it. If you find you do not, don’t bother trying to read these books or ask these questions. You will just go around in circles.

 

Links to the books below. You can get used ones for cheap on Amazon.

 

Love, Ann

Paperback from $6.98
 
http://www.amazon.com/gp/offer-listing/0307345300/ref=sr_1_olp_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1256559568&sr=8-1
 
Hardcover from $4.20
 
http://www.amazon.com/gp/offer-listing/1400045371/ref=sr_1_olp_3?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1256559568&sr=8-3

Dollhouse by Joss Whedon & Eliza Dushku

www.whyiwatch.com

www.fox.com/dollhouse

www.whedonesque.com

Is Eliza Dushku coming from anger and wanting justice?

What is her history?

What does she think or know about forgiveness?

And gratitude?

I would really like to know. She has our attention. What will she do with it?

Truth IS

 

Offer Truth not Persecution

 

“Before I tell my story, before I sing my song,
Better you know where I’m comin’ from.”
Miten

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wBoMY0C_A9I

My name is Ann and I have incest in my history.

I say it that way for a very specific reason:

Incest is something that happened in my past.

I am not a victim.

I am not a survivor.

I am a whole, healthy human being and I have found peace and joy that no one can ever take away from me. Not in spite of incest, and not really because of it.

Peace and joy just are.

 

Peace in our minds and in our lives is a cause-effect relationship.

(me)

 

“You move totally away from reality

when you believe there is a legitimate reason to suffer.”

Byron Katie, Loving What Is, page 288

 

“To empathize does not mean to join in suffering,

for that is what you must refuse to understand.”

A Course in Miracles , Text, Chapter 16, 1st sentence, Page 330

 

You know all of this.

If you don’t know that you know, I cannot tell you.

Why?

Because we humans lie to ourselves. Then we hang on tight to those lies.

We think we don’t want to know the truth. And when we feel that way, no one can convince us otherwise. We are “true believers” of our own lies.

Logic is useless. Appeals to emotion are useless.

The only thing that works is for us to notice that we are suffering and to decide there has to be a better way.

The only thing that works is looking for a better way.

When we look, we find it. And only then.

Sometimes we find it alone. Sometimes others point us to it.

The X-Files slogan was amusing to me: “The truth is out there.”

Well, yes, it’s everywhere.

“The truth is in here” is equally true.

Love, Ann

“You are not trapped in the world you see, because its cause can be changed. This change requires, first, that the cause be identified and then [second] let go, so that [third] it can be replaced. The first two steps in this process require your cooperation. The final one does not.”

                  A Course in Miracles Workbook, W-p1.23.5:1-4

I must have decided wrongly, because I am not at peace.
I made the decision myself, but I can also decide otherwise.
I want to decide otherwise, because I want to be at peace.
I do not feel guilty, because the Holy Spirit*** will undo all the
consequences of my wrong decision if I will let Him.
I choose to let Him, by allowing Him to decide for God*** for me.

                   A Course in Miracles,  (T-5.VII.6:7-1 1)

*** The concept of “God” or “Holy Spirit” is totally optional, and for me best replaced with “truth.” See prior posts for my transitions on this topic.

13 Women in a Hot Tub

Yeah, every man’s fantasy, I’m sure.

But this story will wig that sort of guy completely out.

Here is what happened:

My friend, Joy and I were at Ten Thousand Waves in Santa Fe. We and a few other women over 40 were comfortably lounging naked in the hot mineral water when in come 8 bikini-clad 20-somethings. Turns out they were a bride & bridesmaids getting ready for a wedding.

We all chatted a while. They were very sweet. Then one of their group asked the others if anyone would mind her taking a picture to remember the afternoon by. Several declined, and she said, “oh, right. I guess I shouldn’t take your pic in the bathing suits and all. Okay. I’m sorry.”

Now, these are 20-somethings, and all but one had model-perfect figures.

So, I couldn’t help it, especially since I had been noticing how beautiful I found these women – all of us. I turned to the 40-somethings, (actually, at least 2 were over 60) and asked if any of them would mind if I took a photo of the group of us there in the hot spring?

Nah, that’s fine… every single dang one of us… 7 mostly overweight, post-baby, far from our youth and still beautiful women could have cared less if a total stranger took a digital photo of us all naked in the pool.

Go figure.

I prefer to think that we were far more comfortable in our bodies than these lovely ladies half our age, and I think that was just it. We were *comfortable* with ourselves.

Love,  Ann

Some Thoughts on Truth and Congruence

“The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off.” 

- Gloria Steinem

I’ve been getting more and more truthful for some years now. I find that lack of truth is the strongest and most prevalent stressor in my life, maybe the only one, I’m not sure.

“If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.”  

- Mark Twain

Marvin, my ex-husband, had a rule. He said keeping track of what he could say and what he could not say was just too hard. Therefore, he advised people not to tell him anything he could not repeat. I respected that about him. We both had a similar experience of and desire for honesty and truth. I think it’s the strongest part of our bond, and it remains until this day.

I’ve been working on bringing some congruence to some of my relationships and choices.

I found that I was working too hard in some friendships that weren’t giving anything back. But in the process, my penchant for truth-telling came up – the how and when of it, not to mention the whether. I literally wrote a couple of girlfriends and asked “are we friends?” I couldn’t figure it out. They didn’t call, didn’t invite me over, never saw me unless Iooked for them. There were reasons for this, too. I once spoke a truth about one of them that she considers to have caused her much stress. And given that to do over, I would not.

Forgiveness recognizes what you thought your brother did to you has not occurred.  It does not pardon sins and make them real.  It sees there was no sin.  And in that view are all your sins forgiven.  What is sin, except a false idea about Truth?

- Helen Schucman

She doesn’t really know how to forgive, but she keeps calling me lately, not even sure why she is doing so, even asking me whether there is any reason she may be calling.

Finally, I used Marvin’s rule. I told her, “Look, if you’re worried about what I may say to others, don’t tell me.”  I put the ball back in her court. It’s not up to me to police my words for her comfort or sense of safety and security.

Now I can rest about it.

What she does with that is up to her. I am out of her business. I am not constantly trying to figure out what she does and does not want me to say. And I should mention that she *has* told me some things that she asked me not to repeat, and I have not, ever, not to anyone, not even her closest friend who I am pretty sure knows more than I do about her preferences.

Truth is really important to me – I’m pretty sure it is the most important thing there is for me.

Truth is not only violated by falsehood; it may be equally outraged by silence.
- Henri Frederic Amiel

I once kept a truth to myself that I would suggest *anyone* tell rather than keep to themselves. I did not tell anyone I was having sex with my father. It was true. And now, I’d rather speak the truth and let chips fall where they  may, rather than withhold something true.

 

Still,  I don’t need to be losing friends over saying something that bothers them, either. I tried the 12 Step thing about “Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?”  That doesn’t work for me. I think sometimes unkind things are useful. And how the hell would I know what is necessary? Don’t get me trying to run the universe. I don’t have the brain cells for it. Or, maybe I do, and we are them, but nevermind. That’s a whole discussion on consciousness that doesn’t really fit here.

Katie’s question works really well here, “Whose business am I in when I think that thought?”

The other piece that surfaced (again) this weekend was how I say things as if I am right and the other person is just wrong. I can see how off-putting that has been to some people. And it feels patently false to me to say “In my opinion.” I don’t consider some of this to be opinion at all.

How-some-ever, I can say, “as far as I know…” 

Lord (whoever that is – a case in point) knows that I’ve found that some things I used to be dead certain of are not remotely true (astrology, numerology, feng shui, Louise Hay’s body correlations, reincarnation, the existence of a god,  to name a few).

So, as far as I know, that’s true.

Love, Ann

We know the truth, not only by the reason, but by the heart.
Blaise Pascal

 

“In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes a revolutionary act.” 

 - George Orwell

Is There Life After Death?

Yes, I know Psychics Unlimited. I even got a reading with one of the teachers, Mary, I think, back in maybe 1999. I wasn’t impressed, really.  Jake, the guy I lived with a couple of months in Georgia, did their courses and he loved them. Jake *loves* stories.

 

Two things to consider:

 

1.  Is it true?

 

2.  Is it useful?

 

I’ve found “no” on both counts. Most of it can be disproven so fast it will make your head spin.

 

It’s the “useful” part that is more interesting. (Aside from the question about “if it’s not true, how useful can it be? Except for entertainment value, and truth is *still* more fun than any story I ever heard.)

 

Remember how I used to say that I found it helpful, or comforting to believe in: God, astrology, reincarnation and more?

 

I had never done The Work on that. When I did, I found that thinking there was a “god” blocked my intuition at least as often as it gave me any insight, probably ( ! )  more. Same with astrology. If I read some horoscope and believe it, I get focused in that direction and am just as likely to miss some more tangible inner awareness. 

 

Now… souls, reincarnation, etc. 

 

*deep breath*

 

We can’t prove it doesn’t happen .You cannot prove any negative. There will always be some possibility that some day some thing will prove it. Somebody will show up, some ghost or something and tell us all about some afterlife.  Fine. Lemme know when that happens.

 

But what do we want from these ideas & beliefs?

 

You’re quick. You’ve already answered this in your mind.

 

We want it to comfort us about some lie or story we are telling ourselves. The problem is, that it takes a TON of effort to keep the story going. It is stressful. We can spend money on psychics and all kinds of things and what we really want is to be comforted in our story. Truth be damned.

 

Should someone dare to ask us to look at reality, the first thing we’ll do is defend the story. Especially, these pervasive (read: insidious) ones that nearly everyone believes, no matter what country or culture, like god and life after death. Most people get angry. They *think* they don’t want to know the truth.

 

But if we *really* look, if we  s – l – o – w    d – o – w – n that movie we are playing, the truth we find is far sweeter than the story. So, do it. Find and slow down your story. (Now this is the part where the back and forth in real time in person is really helpful. But you do better on your own than most people, (read: you are far more interested in the truth and much less afraid of it)  so I’ll give it a shot now (and publish this without names as a great blog later 

 

Just before you get that feeling, which has started to fade and is no longer as gut-wrenching as it was when your dad first died, just before that tape kicks in, check, what’s there?

 

Grief is a second thought. I guarantee it is not the first thing you experience. Guaran – damn – tee it.

 

What is? 

 

What if you noticed that?

 

Which way would you be more effective, happier? 

Stressful (trying to keep and prove the un-provable story) or Peaceful (letting go and noticing reality)?

 

Love, Ann

PS – One of the IAM Meditations is “Zooming in on Death.” 

I Can Respect Your Right to Believe In

 

the Easter Bunny, but that doesn’t make him real.

I know people who believe in “the power of intention” or “the secret” or whatever the latest “I can control the uncontrollable” pop phrase is these days.

To put it very simply, control is an illusion – always. 
 
That scares people.

Apparently we don’t know enough to know that this is the only safety. We cannot know all that is needed to have control. It is actually best for us not to have control. We could not do that job. We can’t even calm our minds for 5 minutes, much less keep up with every heartbeat, breath and organ function in our own bodies, let alone other people, institutions, situations or the world.
 
To explain in detail, you will find that for every time someone made an attempt to control some person or situation where they got what they thought they wanted, you can find at least as many times that attempt did not work, usually *more* times that it did not work.
 
These failures to control get explained away with various things from “you didn’t hold your mouth right” to ” someone else’s control was more powerful” to “you had to do it on Tuesday in a blue dress” or “Jesus did not will it,” etc.  The worst one is “oh, for that you have to pay me $1000 for the Advanced Control the World Workshop… “
 
Reality is much simpler than all of these inadequate explanations: we have no control. There is no “power of intent,” and “the secret” is a lie. There is no secret.
 
That may sound like bad news if someone fears something.
 
But it’s actually good news.
 
We don’t need control.

What we *have* is something far more beautiful, and that “something more beautiful” is what I teach through The Work, The Sedona Method, Quantum Wealth, IAM Meditations, etc.
 
I give people an experience of the beauty & mystery, so that gradually, we lose the lie that there is anything we can (or need to) control.
 
It is clear in the Sedona Method’s simple question ”Is this about wanting safety, control or approval?”  That is The Sedona Method, or the crux of it.
 
The next step is to release wanting.
 
Only through releasing wanting can we actually have.
 
It seems paradoxical when we are stuck in all that wanting, wanting, wanting.
 
When we are wanting, we are not having.
 
That sounds obvious, but that is a large part of what anything that we try to follow that imagines we can have control is teaching. It’s teaching wanting, not having.
 
It’s the letting go that contains the “magic.”
 
That’s why I say that:

“Peace in our minds and in our lives is a cause-effect relationship.”
 
We cannot control anything, not even our minds, but if we investigate and observe, we find the peace that is already there. 
 
Love, Ann

Weight and Safety

You know, our grandmothers and great grandmothers knew things that we have forgotten. Ancestors farther back than that may have been in tune with their surroundings so much that they didn’t even have the questions we have.

Like what?

Fat, for example. Farmers and those who raised animals knew what caused fat. So do we, but we ignore it.

Diet products and exercises and diet food, books & programs have got to be a multi-billion dollar business.

And why?

Because we have forgotten (or ignored) what our ancestors took for granted, and in so many ways. But I’m only going to mention one:

Safety.

Every time I have lost significant weight I have been between office jobs, had a solid lover that helped me feel safe and/or was doing Flow Chiropractic which restore a sense of safety to the central nervous system (www.flowwith.com)

What does an animal do when it is afraid besides fight, flight & freeze?

It stores food and provisions in case there isn’t any more on the way for a while.  We produce hormones that tell our bodies to hold fat. Insulin does that.

This is one of the answers to the fat dilemma, not just in my own body, but lots of us. We are scared.

Are our fears rational? Most of the time, no. We fear a lot of things that just aren’t a problem. We terrorize ourselves with “what if’s” that never come to pass. We act like our boss, our spouse or the government is “out to get us.”

And in our fear?  Our bodies start holding onto food and fat like there is no tomorrow. We have convinced ourselves there won’t be.

I have noticed that I always gain weight in an office job. Is it the office? Is it some kind of trauma response because I worked for my father when I was a child?

Oh, I can make up those stories.

But really, all I want to do is to notice that I am in no danger. I am safe. Now and always. With or without a partner, or a chiropractor or constant outside reassurance that I am safe.

Lately, I have forgotten to remember. I am surrounded by people who are maybe even more frightened than I am, both the customers and my co-workers. A few weeks ago there was a death in the office, a suicide. A few weeks before that, an ex-lover was contemplating ending his life.

But I know what to practice when fears come up.

I question my thoughts:

1.  Is it true?

2. Can I absolutely know that this thought is true?

3. How do I react when I believe this thought?

4. Who would I be without this thought?

Turn it around (to self, other or an opposite). Is that Turn Around at least as true (or truer?) than the original thought?

Find another Turn around.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Thank you, Steven. Thank you, Katie.

Love, Ann

“I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.”
 

                     – Frank Herbert, Dune

Shampoo Series – Definition of Reality

Reality is things you can prove that don’t require a philosophy or intangibles or assumptions.
 
While I could tell my incest story with all kinds of drama and assumptions about what happened and how I may (or may not) have responded, the truest thing is “Man and girl in room.” 
 
And even “man” and “girl” are stories.
 
That’s one of our most freeing excercises on this. But we don’t do it until we’ve done a whole weekend of the work. It’s saved for Sunday because otherwise, our minds would waste a lot of time arguing with reality. 

I wrote this in reply to a girlfriend a few weeks ago, and decided it made a good post.

Questions?

Love, Ann

Cowgirl Interlude: Filthy Gorgeous Things dot com

I just added this to my Links over there on the right. I want to call attention to one of the articles, which refers to one of the best passages in one of my favorite author’s books.

Kim Anami writes:

http://filthygorgeousthings.com/modern-love/how-to-make-love-stay 

In Tom Robbins’ book, Still Life with Woodpecker he asks, “Who know how to make love stay?” It’s an excellent question. He answers it:

“Love is the ultimate outlaw. It just won’t adhere to any rules. The most any of us can do is to sign on as its accomplice. Instead of vowing to honor and obey, maybe we should swear to aid and abet. That would mean that security is out of the question. The words “make” and “stay” become inappropriate. My love for you has no strings attached. I love you for free.”

She goes on to give examples from her life coaching practice.

Sometimes it has felt lonely to be kinky, poly, intellectual, philosophical, mystical and kinky like me, and then I find others who are like me in some of those ways. I even followed the link to Sigmund Fuller’s page off of this article. I clicked on “Books to Read,” and was stunned and surprised to find the first book on the list was “Stumbling on Happiness,” by Daniel Gilbert.

Realistically, other people must have read this book, but it isn’t as if I meet those people every day. Oh, maybe I do. In some of these ways. And I’m not meeting the actual people. Chances are that in person some of them are full of new age fru fru. But the articles are beautiful and sexy and thought-provoking.

Go look:

http://www.filthygorgeousthings.com

Love, Ann